As we head into 2010....

I was at my physio earlier today, waiting, as people tend to do in aptly named waiting rooms, for the last checkup of 2009. Emotional state: a little demoralized and frustrated. The foot hadn't improved much since the last time I'd seen her, and it still pained quite a bit. What was I going to do in the new year, I wondered grumpily.

The answer came not in a booming voice, but on the wall that I found myself facing while doing some exercises later in my session. While leaning against the walls with my legs bent at a ninety degree angle, and squeezing the plastic ball between my knees, there was nothing else to do but stare at the wall straight in front of me (especially as my physico makes me do keep that stance for a few minutes.. She's sadistic like that.)(No seriously, you give it a go.)

Then I saw this poster that had undoubtedly been there the whole year, but which hadn't caught my eye previously. It was one of those cheesey cliches, with capital letters in some sort of serif font emblazoned across a poetic scene of water and mountain. But as I read it again and again, I thought, heck, that's a much better way to end off my blog for the year than my previous post:

There is no need to fear an unknown future, when you serve a known God.

2010, bring it on!

It's been a long year, I realized,

when I walked out of the video store empty-handed, because I suddenly realized I didn't have the emotional capacity to commit to someone's troubles and turmoils for two hours, albeit fictional.

Time for a holiday, methinks.

On that note, I'm going AWOL for a while, so I'll see you on the fresh side of 2010.

Famous last words: Just love Jesus!

Ciao

Epiphany!

I just had an epiphany about where I currently am in my walk with Jesus.

I have been a Christian now since December 2003, and for about 5/6 years my big struggle every year has been (somewhat inevitably, considering that I'm studying a BA) whether what the Bible says about God was a random made-up theory, or really the real deal.

In the last few years, I realized even as I was going through the annual existential crisis, somewhere I had a deep assurance that I had gone through these questions before, and that the answers were ones that convinced me again and again that Jesus is God.

Without knowing it, the name of the game has changed slightly. My epiphany is that from this point on, the questions surrounding the truthfulness of Christianity will be of lesser importance and create lesser turmoil inside me - instead, the question of satisfaction and meaning and joy will be where my biggest struggles will take place.

Rejoice in the Lord, ALWAYS!

I've blogged about joy before (see 'I've got joy joy joy joy down in my heart'), but I have to again tonight.

I just came back from a heartfelt and lank encouraging sermon on Philippians 4:4-7 and the speaker, John S was a great example of someone who is himself joyful in the Lord. It was so great to hear a reminder that we are the people of a happy God, and that we are commanded to be joyful, because I feel that I've lost that joy in Jesus over the past few months, and that my Christian walk has become a bit of an ambivalent experience- neither here, nor there.

But, John S said, maybe it's because we've lost our focus. Maybe it's because we've stopped looking at God, and instead have turned our gaze to the mirror- to ourselves. Highly plausible, I thought to myself. If so, I need to turn my vision again to God.



PS Blogspot tells me that this is my 200th post! Yeehah :) I feel like I won something, even though I don't know if this really counts as an achievement :)

PPS On the other hand, Google Analytics keeps me humble. Apparently I've had a 100% decrease in visitors in the last month, and I've had zippo, zilch, null, nada visitors to this site. heehee :)

Snapshots from an art exhibition and a chance encounter

Snapshot 1: The art exhibition

Princess Sarah and I went to an art exhibition opening tonight. Lots of fun. Different, crazy shocking, cute, interesting art pieces. Could use the same adjectives to describe the people. Anyway. While we were there, she asked how my QTs were going. It was a relief to confess to someone that they weren't, and they hadn't been for a while.

'Oh', she said.

Oh well, I thought.

She didn't say anything further, 'cause she knows when to rebuke and when not to.

We carried on walking for a bit, then I asked her what she was thinking. 'Well', she answered, 'I was thinking that God wants me to tell you to just talk to Him 'cause He misses you. But then I thought it might sound a bit lame'.

Sarah's great like that.


Snapshot 2: A chance encounter

We left after a while, as we felt like escaping into town and seeing what was happening there. After finally parking (after circling more than a few times), we got out and started walking. Then we got stopped by someone asking for money. And lo and behold, it was E and his wife Z from the night shelter, hiding out from the wind in a doorway. Obviously, I couldn't just walk past as I know them reasonably well, so I asked them how things were going, and what they'd been up to... And their story was heartbreaking. Not knowing what to say at the end of all this, I feebly said 'I hope eveerything works out for you', at which point Z said 'But it will. It always does. 'Cause He [pointing upwards] always looks out for us. Even when.. There was a stage where I didn't want to listen to Him, 'cause I got so tired of messing up the whole time. I got so tired of saying sorry to Him, 'cause there was so much to say sorry for.'

After greeting, Sarah and I decided to leave our plans and just head home. This encounter was just a little bit too much on top of a very full day. And as we were walking back, Sarah asked me what Z had meant - and for some reason I understood perfectly.

BFF - Best Friend Forever

I like the simple life, but simple life evidently doesn't like me, and the last few days have been like scenes out of a soap opera: Misunderstandings, childhood friends, phonecalls, farewells, BFFs, quarrels, breakthroughs, smses sent to the wrong person, mascara, boyfriends, gmail chats, grouchy sisters, fiances, tears, pregnancies, new friends, and sushi.

Sushi is the only thing that kept me sane. Raw fish does that.

Jokes :) But in a wonderfully peaceful and uneventful day yesterday, I came to a remarkable epiphany: Relationships are complicated.

Let me repeat that for those of you who struggle with long sentences: Relationships. Are. Complicated.

On that thought, I visited Princess Sarah yesterday, and needing some advice, I told her about just one little dilemma that had been resolved amongst me and two very close friends, but used Person A/B/C etc instead of their names (which in itself got rather complicated, 'cause at one point, up to Person F was involved!). At the end, she just looked at me, and said "This just shows how the world needs Jesus. He's the only one who can be the Best Friend you need, because He's always constant, always there, never changes.

And I thought 'Wow.'

But we were both tired after my long verbal ramblings, so we carried on sitting on the Woolworths crate thing we'd found inside Woolworths.

The end.

The Non-Christian Significant Other

We are always all to ready to judge, and all too slow to love and to try understand. I can claim this, for I am the same as you. And so it is, that I'd always been quick to judge (albeit silently) Christian girls and guys who ended up with Significant Others who didn't love Jesus. But God is a patient Teacher, and I've been taught to have compassion in this particular regard, so when a friend of mine was telling me about his sister who's currently with a non-Christian, I didn't respond as I might have a few years ago: 'She shouldn't be with him; what is she thinking?; if she'd acted properly in the first place, it wouldn't have gotten this far'.

Instead, I told him about how an older friend had recently told a group of us that his best friend doesn't love Jesus, but he married a Christian woman. 'But', our friend had cautioned as he [perhaps] saw the looks on everyone's face, 'before you are the first to throw a stone at her, just wait a few years until your own body clock is ticking and you're looking for someone to marry'.

This is not an exercise in looking for excuses- the Bible is quite clear that we are not to end up with non-Christians as marriage partners, but I told my friend this story as I think that our friend was saying this to caution us against being too quick to judge - for even if things are black-and-white, as people on the outside of the situation, we forget how hard it can be for the person inside.

So let's be more compassionate in the way we implement the black and white in our lives..

Talk once, think twice

I was flicking through Proverbs earlier in an Oooh-I-can-quote-more-out-of-context-Bible-verses-than-you-can-right-now-game with a friend earlier, and I was really struck by the amount of sayings about talking, words etc.

Here's a tiny little sample:

10:8 The wise in heart accept commands,
but a chattering fool comes to ruin.
10:19 When words are many, sin is not absent,
but he who holds his tongue is wise.
11:9 With his mouth the godless destroys his neighbor,
but through knowledge the righteous escape.
12:6 The words of the wicked lie in wait for blood,
but the speech of the upright rescues them.
13:3 He who guards his lips guards his life,
but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.

It reminds me of a post I blogged two years ago: Did you hear? (heehee, look at me referencing myself).

More importantly it reminded me of two big relational issues I'd dealt with lately: a work colleague who didn't fulfill his part of a project requirement with the result that the other team members had to do much much more, and a friend who hasn't been as honest with me as I thought she was. In both these contexts, I didn't trust my own judgement of the situation as I was more affected by both situations than I thought, and turned to others for rational, logical advice (e.g. somehow I didn't think that ninja-chopping him and chucking him into a dark storeroom was a good idea).

Now, I have always been wary of anger and being angry as I have seen the ugly consequences of indulging in unnecessary anger in the lives of people close to me. But as I started talking to other people, I realized that I was still so angry about these things, instead of just calmly recounting the facts, I was in danger of crucifying The Offenders (what a cool band name, eh). I also tend to be quite dramatic at times, so even as I was asking my friends for advice, I realized I was making everything seem so much worse. Yuck. Yucky, yuck. Hmm. It's true what the Bible says:

12:18 Reckless words pierce like a sword,
but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Let's be careful in how we talk...

PS Bill Watterson (cartoonist of Calvin & Hobbes says: “Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.” :)

Something that's been irking me lately

is the way that we as Christians tend to fall into the habit of talking about our non-Christian friends as projects, or objects of conversion instead of people who are all uniquely diverse, crazy, wonderful, different. I'm not immune from this danger, and I use the word danger, because if we see them as goals-to-be, we lose sight of their uniqueness as humans created in God's image and as beings with the right of free will, and we see our relationships with them as duties, and not as choice. And then the way we interact with them becomes guided by rules and not by love.

Oooooooooh baby...

This isn't a lesson that I've learnt, this is more something I need advice about.. In the last while, two people I know have discovered that they're pregnant outside of marriage. How am I to respond in a way that is loving and supportive, yet also in a way that shows I don't condone their behaviour?

December pinks

'Tis the season to be jolly, lalalalalala.. Yes, it's almost December :) Another year, gone, schwiiiing (that's supposed to be the noise of a car zooooooooooooming past), and somehow all the BIG things that bugged me through the year seem miniscule now.. And looking back, I can see that yeehah, I've come a long way. So let us clap our hands, dance for joy and give thanks to the Lord! Because He has been faithful and because we can :)


PS The original title of this post was December blues, but I changed it- I need to stop moping about getting older and losing time :)

Legalism or disciplinism.. ooh, I mean discipline.

I've been thinking about legalism and discipline a lot lately. Christianity is about a relationship with Jesus, not about doing things to get onto God's right side. However, as a people who like controlling our futures, we inevitably all have to wean ourselves out of this mindset that we can do things to make God happy, or that we can behave a certain way to make God like us more e.g. I've heard of a few churches where there's a strict dress code on what can and cannot be worn if you're a Christian. Isn't that a bit legalistic, I wonder, acting as if there's legal requirements you need to enter into to be a Christian?

On the other hand, I've also come to realize that there's value into setting standards/ certain measures for yourself. Because of my foot injury, I should be doing these foot and leg muscles regularly. But every now and then when I've reached a point of being able to stand on my sore foot for more than 2 minutes, or able to do 30 reps of another exercise, I decide that I'm fixed and healed and then stop doing my exercises. Much to the ire of my physio, because at my next session with her, I discover (once again) that my muscles kinda don't grow on their own, and that I can't stand for more than a minute. This is where discipline comes in - me having to do my exercises the set number of times a week despite whether I think I'm fully better or not, whether I like it or not.

Now let's see how this would work out in the Christian walk. Suzy Q (a pseudonym for me) (ooh, I obviously don't get how this pseudonym thing works) decides that she's not going to push herself to read her bible every day, lest it become a matter of legalism. But, before you know it, soon she ain't reading anymore, and slowly she's not really listening to God's voice throughout the day anymore. Whereas, say Suzy Q had decided that the daily reading would be a matter of discipline, and that she'll do it whether she likes it or not.. And she keeps at it, and grows in more and more understanding of God's character.

I suppose it's a matter of your attitude - one man's legalism can be someone else's discipline, and vice versa. I think the challenge for us is to question which things we've been avoiding because we manage to convince ourselves that to be disciplined about it would be legalistic?

yummy yummy eat eat eat eat.. KABOOOM!: Food, Jesus, and me

I'm one of those people who's able to tell how their relationship with God is going by the amount or the type of food she's eating.

Strange, but true. It's not that the signs happen over a day or so- it's more a pattern that emerges over the period of a week or more. Bad signs are if I'm eating waaaaaaaay too much in general (I don't mean this as in ooh-I-usually-only-eat-a-carrot-stick-and-a-bran-muffin-every-day-and-this-week-I-actually-ate-five-potatoes-eek; I mean it in the I-usually-eat-three-or-four-solid-meals-a-day-and-lately-I've-been-eating-so-much-more-than-that), or if I'm eating way more junk food than usual. I say that this is a bad sign, because for me this is usually correlated with other behaviours that show I'm not trusting in Jesus as I should or that I'm succumbing to the tyranny of my body's unhelpful desires. (I like to eat healthily, you see, and I usually can't stand copious amounts of junk food.)

As it is, this week has been a baaaaaaad week eating wise, both in amount and in quality. And lo and behold, I haven't done any of my QTS in ages (not that this is a sin, but again, this is also one of the things God uses to draw my attention to how my relationship with Him is going). This has made me realize a couple of things:

1) Quite often as people, we get taken in by appearances.
e.g. If I were to go around telling people that I am a glutton (which I have already) people tend not to believe me because I'm not showing the evidence of my sin and I'm not 20 kgs overweight. I'm a hyperenergetic bunny with a reasonably fast metabolism, and so it is that the signs of my bad eating don't really show on my frame (unless I indulge in it for quite a while). But that's a false correlation, that people who weigh more are not self-controlled when it comes to food, and that those who weigh less, are. My gluttony stems from a heart condition - I'm just fortunate in that it hasn't become a physical burden as of yet.

2) As my friend Simon said, I should be feeding my needs, not my wants.
Why, you ask? Because otherwise I'm going to become fat? NOPE!! Wrong reason! (Well, that's a good reason for various health reasons, but that shouldn't be the motivating reason.) It's because the Bible says we should practice self-control. Because God has said that He will provide all our needs, so we don't need to overfill ourselves in fear of not knowing where our next meal is coming from (like as in the Bushman diet, as my one friend says). Another friend told me that he overeats when he's bored, but I suppose that's also a sign of discontent, something we should also not be?

3) Self-control is a valuable discipline.
Greed is not nice.
My belly says No!


I'm not saying that everyone's eating habits reflect my own patterns, but I've realized that God definitely uses this in my life to draw attention to Him. Perhaps it's a good time now, before the festive season begins to think about your own eating habits. Let me know what you think.

SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

The Tale of Grace and the Sandwich

There I was, innocently sitting in front of the biggest, fattest, bad-assest sandwich I'd seen in a long time: a triple-decker of lettuce, bacon and tomato. Madness. It was all Terribly Exciting considering that I'd spent about 20 minutes indecisively scanning through the menu for a sign that would help me decide which item to pick [such as an arrow, or a little speech bubble with the words: "Grace, pick me!"] [if you're wondering, that Sign from Heaven never appeared]. It was also all Terribly Daunting considering that I suddenly had a feeling that the width of the sandwich wouldn't fit into my mouth.

However, I've never been one to shirk away from challenges, so I courageously picked up my knife and fork and started hacking, I mean, slicing away at the stacker. It took me only a few seconds to realize that I was getting nowhere. The various layers of my sandwich were all in disarray, the lettuce escaping from the sides, and on my fork, only a thin little piece of bread and bacon had been unable to avoid capture. I looked sadly at my fork, glared at the lettuce, and sighed at the huge sandwich still to be finished. This Would Not Do.

But was I Defeated? No. God had in His wisdom had created us with our own sets of hands and knives. Picking up the sandwich with my hands (which wasn't as easy as typing out this sentence was), I took a huge bite - almost to gag it out. In my hunger, I'd overeagerly miscalculated the angle at which I'd shoved the sandwich into my mouth, and its triangular point had brutely shoved its way to the back of my throat, tickling what should never be tickled. Hurridly, I grabbed my serviette, so that my companion wouldn't be faced with the sight of the previous two seconds going through a rapid rewind. It would be this moment, that the waiter would come past to ask: "Is everything okay?"

"No, I'm busy choking to death behind this serviette while my friend's dying of laughter next to me" I would've said if I hadn't had a mouthful of BLT in my mouth. Instead, I waved my serviette weakly at him, and gave him a thumbs up. Luckily, he moved on to trap his next victim mid-chew, allowing me to desperately do some Room Control in my mouth.

Fortunately, by the age of 22, I'd had much practice in the practice of gross motor movements, even ones as complicated as the ones I was going to have to engage in to ensure that the contents of my mouth weren't about to become familiar to the rest of the restaurant. After some intense chewing and eye rolling and vigorous movements, I'd managed to find enough space for everything comfortably. Bit by bit, bite by bite, and then: gone. Encouraged by my success, I looked again at my sandwich, by this time looking less and less like a indefatigable mountain, and more like a overarrogant molehill. "I can do this!", I thought. And by the end of the evening, only the plate lived to tell the tale: a sad little site of crumbs, lettuce sheds, and the occasional smear of sauce.

Moral of the story:
1) Man does not live on bread alone, but I bet you it'd be easier to eat politely if he did.
2) Persevere, for the goal is worthy.
3) Only eat out with those who are good friends, or those who are on their way to becoming so.
4) There's no reason to act like a Philistine when eating out, but neither is there no need to be a Pharisee.

quick fads, common sense, and Jesus Christ

While I was visiting a friend the other day, I noticed that she had the latest Runner's World on her desk. She was finishing off some work, so I started paging through it, looking for some tips or suggestions about what-to-do-when-you-want-to-start-running-again-but-you're-not-patient-or-smart-enough-to-see-through-the-healing-of-an-injured-foot.

Lo, and behold, I found myself on the food page (a lot of my day revolves around food, so this was no real surprise), looking at an article entitled: 8 New Rules for Healthy Eating. Always one to be interested in eating tips and nutrition, I decided to give it a read.

Informative? Yes. New? Not so much. It was pretty much the same advice I'd been reading or hearing about for the last few years: Fad diets are stupid. Eat moderately. Eat fruits and veg and whole grains. No refined processed products. Eat breakfast etc.etc

"They keep on saying the same thing, but packaging it in different ways," I remarked to my friend, before chucking the mag to one side without bothering to finish the article. I dislike reading about things that I already know about, and I was pretty sure I could tell you how to eat healthily without having to read yet another article. But then, my memory kicked in and flashed before me a picture from the previous night, where in typically ironic timing, I'd ended up chowing Tennis biscuits and Swiss roll for supper instead of my usual healthy offerings. Obviously, what I was reading wasn't acting itself out in practice. Sighing, I picked up the mag again, and starting reading the article properly.

Coming out of church a few days later, I wondered if I didn't approach my Christian walk in the same way I'd approached the article. We know that Jesus is the only way, and we know that reading the Bible, praying, meeting with fellow Christians etc. are all to our benefit, but for some reason we're still on the lookout for a simpler, shorter way to do things. But, just like you can't replace wise food sense with quick-fad diets, we can't replace Jesus with other things, 'cause Jesus is the only way. And so it is, we will find ourselves listening to the same idea over and over again in our churches, in our bible studies, in our circles of Christian friends: Love Jesus, and show this love in the way you treat others. Sometimes, I wonder, is this really all there is to it? And the answer is yes.

my finger or the moon?

"When a finger points to the moon, the imbecile looks at the finger"
- Chinese Proverb

D'uh.

Why is it then, that we so often idolize created things that point us towards God instead of the Creator?

The things we learn from bubbly

I really like pretty things, which is going to be a problem one day when I'm older. But right now, I really just love this place.

The last few weeks, the following quote has popped into my head at random times. I remember saying it to a friend of mine at a 21st party last year, where we'd ended up at the restaurant of a farm that specializes in bubbly. Nice, nice. They'd decorated the interior with bubble and champagne bottle motifs, as well as in vibrant colours, with lots of wonderful and unusual couches, lounges, chairs, paintings, vases etc. scattered around. Stuff that didn't shout cool - but only because it didn't need to when it was so obvious.

I've now realized in the last few weeks, that this 'when I'm older' temptation doesn't need to wait for the time when I'm in the position to buy lounges, couches, tables, you know, like bulky kinda 'adult' stuff. It's already arrived. In the last few weeks I've realized that I spent more money this year on pretty clothing, driven further to visit friends and cool places, spent more when we do go out, gone to classier/ more extravagant places than I ever used to*.

And I'm falling into the trap of the Illusion of Bubbly. Perhaps its apt that the comment I'd made came as it did as a bubbly farm, 'cause doesn't the world appear like that? Oh-so-nice, fun, pleasurable, sweet, sparkly, but deceptively so, for it's fleeting and transitory.

I'm not saying pretty (fun/cool/nice etc.) things are wrong. God has given us many things for our pleasure, and He also knows how he's created us. I'm someone who's stimulated by touching, smelling, tasting, hearing, but most of all seeing, and He definitely gives me ample opportunity to indulge my senses throughout the day. But, at the same time, I'm going to have to make sure (and I think this will be a continual struggle) that I don't end up idolizing this instead of God.



* I could defend this, by saying that I never really used to buy that much clothing anyway, I've only started driving in the last two/three years, I work part-time now so I have more money to spend, and that the places we used to hang out predominantly were cheap little student holes. But that's beside the point.

PS Check this out for a previous blog on play

Sometimes I'm the student, not the teacher...

"Would you like to explain this?"
"You mean my absenteeism in the past few days? My family's having some personal issues and I've had to go with to the hospital on some occasions. Sorry, I was planning to tell you at some point."
"No, I mean your essay. It matched an internet source, almost word-for-word."

I tutor English first years, and one of the yuckiest things I've had to do this year is to confront one of my students about plagarism. What made it even worse was that the student in question is really bright - one of those students who show real insight into the work, and give great input in class. But this is nothing new - as a tutor and a student myself, I've heard a million stories about students copying here and there, just adding a little bit on here, even those that are exceptionally intelligent. What particuarly crushed me about this discovery, because I knew that she loved Jesus too.

My first instinct was of disappointment. Why on earth was she 'letting the team' down? Why did she, one of the few Christians in my class, have to be the one who'd messed up like this? Why on earth, was she acting like someone who didn't care about God's commands?

My second instinct was of shame. No, not about her behaviour, but about mine. Yes, she is the daughter of a Father who does not condone cheating, but I too am the daughter of a Father who loves me and others like me, despite our sinfulness and multiple falls into temptation. I'd somehow forgotten that Christians aren't better than anyone else- we are not perfect, and we are not exempt from temptation. I'd forgotten that the only thing different about us is that we had accepted grace and forgiveness.

What a great reminder that with God, I am always the student, and not the teacher.

So I've been feeling a bit 'out' the past while... musings...

I've never been the typical girl, or even, a person that falls too easily into categories. Not that any of us really are, if we are to believe the PoMos, but sometimes I wonder if I'm not unusual even for unusualities. I'm loud and sociable, the typical extrovert, but at the same time I can't live without my personal, reflective time like any other introvert. I can go for days joking about anything and everything, but at the switch of a tone, I can slip into serious existential discussions. I'm the tomboy who likes to climb things and knows how to punch boys, but I also like wearing dresses and dressing up. I read and think like a BA, but I also really like exercise and sport. [And I miss maths and science.]

Versatile, the Sister calls it. Fair enough. Except that sometimes getting along with everyone means that you don't fit in with anyone at all.

I know that I've presented a lot of stereotypes in the first paragraph, but I think I just wanted to say that sometimes I feel out of sync with whichever group of friends I'm hanging out with. Even with my church friends, who are more than friends - they have the (un)fortunate position of being family, muhahahahhahaha ... Sometimes, especially with my church friends. Umm.. I don't know where I'm actually going with this post. It's not as though I'd like all my readers who are also my friends to suddenly develop an interest in Google Wave (google's latest offering), Ruth Stone (amazing American poet), my gym schedule, and what-happened-when-I-went-wine-tasting-on-Saturday all at the same time, 'cause I have different friends that cater for different types of conversations and friendships. It's not that I want your sympathy or sudden attention either - that's definitely not going to make things better. I think, I just wanted to say that it's okay if you don't fit in either. In fact, how much more amazing is what God has done in unifying for himself a body that doesn't quite always move like an Olympic athlete's but rather like a gangly pre-teen boy.

No, wait. That's not quite the conclusion I was going for either. Let's try this again:

It's okay if you don't fit in, because you shouldn't be defined by the company we keep, nor by the company we slot into. It's okay - 'cause God has made you to be a crazy cool unique individual who doesn't need to feel as though you fit in with a specific group to be a person.

Yes, that's it. Much better.

PS PoMos -Po[st]Mo[dern]s

PPS I don't get along with everyone in the whole world. A lot of people, though ;).

bitter bitter bitter

I was sitting in church the other day, when Lee (our morning minister) asked the congregation if they (me) were in danger of becoming Christians who were embittered by their trials and disappointments. In previous years I would've been quick to say 'No' (and it would've been an honest No). This time round, I realized that I could not truthfully say No - in the past year or so, I've definitely notched up one or two experiences which I have not (yet) fully handed over to God. If I am honest with myself, I am still struggling to obey God's decision about how they played out, and I'm still struggling to trust that He is Infintitely Wise.

What had changed?, I wondered when I felt the No struggle inside me. Was it that I'd become less godly, and that things had somehow become harder? Was it that I'd become a 'weaker' Christian?

I realized later it wasn't that I'd become less godly - the simple fact of the matter is that when I was younger I hadn't had the opportunity to face half the trials and issues that I was dealing with now. That particular area of my godliness hadn't been tested at all! And this is something I'm blogging about now so that in 30 years from now when I am stuck with a sulky teenybopper, a broken-down motorbike and an awful purple haircut, I will be reminded that the longer life goes on, the more resentments and bitternesses I will be tempted to lug around with me. And Dear Grace of the Future, it is not that you are less godly than the Grace of the Right Now, it is just that God has seen fit to test you through more.

What then? Lee then carried on with some amazing words said by the one-time Bishop of Tanzania:

There is no future in Frustration.

Remember that, Grace of the Future. There is no glory in bitterness, there is no hope in a dead end. Trust and Obey.

Party party, rock on.

Never fear, dear reader, I am still alive and well. The recurring sinusitis has not done me in yet! (Hallelujah!) Neither have I, as one of my friends suggested, learnt everything I possibly could ever learn, therefore rendering my blog redundant. I have just been traveling the streets of the world, searching for whispers of truth tucked away in corners, doorways, and hearts. I have been watching people at parties, watching how they drown themselves in drink, dance, and each other. I have sat in parks, listening to the pleasant chatter of mothers and the exuberant laughter of children. I have gone to dinners at fancy restaurants, wining and dining in luxuriantly wooded and beautifully styled rooms. 

And what can I tell you that I have learnt?

I have learnt that playing is a very serious business. 

Let me repeat this thought: Playing is a very serious business. Never before has the world (i.e. the middleclass/upperclass/people who can afford it) had at its fingertips the type of resources for entertainment and pleasure that it has right now at its present stage. And never before, has the world been so booooooooored before. But still we play. And it is at this point, that the following anecdote falls into mind. It comes from a book called The Salaried Masses by Siegfried Kracauer, which is a sociological account of a study he did amongst the salaried employees in a post-WW Germany. Speaking about an interview he had with a secretary and her work colleagues habits of entertainment, Kracauer writes:

"Then she gives an extremely odd reaons for the fact that the girls generally avoid serious conversations. 'Serious conversations', she said, 'only distract and divert you from surroundings that you'd like to enjoy.' If distracting effects are ascribed to serious talk, distraction must be a deadly serious matter.'

We play for many reasons, primarily because it IS fun, but Kracauer seems to touch on a point made in Ecclesiastes 7:2

It is better to go to a house of mourning

than to go to a house of feasting

for death is the destiny of every man;

the living should take this to heart

Playing becomes a deadly serious matter, when we undertake it to escape thoughts of death and what that might bring, ne-c'est pas? And in a culture where it's becoming increasingly bourgeoise to talk about serious matters, it seems then that play itself has become a serious matter...

Iboohoohoo

I am currently sitting in my bed, just having left an awesome party. I've already spent the last SIX days in bed, and was quite convinced that I was ready to tackle the real world and its people once more. But after a mere two hours, I was already exhausted, and my throat was acting up so instead of speaking louder to compensate from the pumping music, I could only speak softer. Blergh. So I left.

As I got into the house, relieved to walk into a quiet zone, without people around without whom I'd want to exert energy on, I realized that I am not grateful enough. How must it be for people who don't have the blessing of good health? I'd go MENTAL if this was to be my existence for more than a week or two. Shoh. Why is it that it's only when things go wrong or get broken that we are remember to be grateful for the things we have?

Anyway, I'm going to sleep now. My throat and head are still kinda wooooooozy.

Feeling useless?

The next time you feel like GOD can't use you, just remember . . .

Noah was a drunk

Abraham was too old

Isaac was a daydreamer

Jacob was a liar

Leah was ugly

Joseph was abused

Moses had a stuttering problem

Gideon was afraid

Samson was a womanizer

Rahab was a prostitute

Jeremiah and Timothy were too young

David had an affair and was a murderer

Elijah was suicidal

Isaiah preached naked

Jonah ran from God

Naomi was a widow

Job went bankrupt

John the Baptist ate bugs

Peter denied Christ

The Disciples fell asleep while praying

Martha worried about everything

The Samaritan woman was divorced - more than once

Zaccheus was too small

Paul was too religious

Timothy had an ulcer . . . AND

Lazarus was dead!

No more excuses now. God can use you to your full potential.

Besides, you aren't the message -- you are the messenger.

Let's see how far we can go

Princess Sarah smsed me today, telling me that she'd heard this newish Matchbox Twenty song called 'Let's see how far we've come.' Only, she'd been a little confused and heard it as 'Let's see how far we can go'!

Quite frankly, I'm not quite sure how she managed to fit in that extra syllable in, but I'm sure it's plausible that it slipped in under Rob Thomas' tongue.

But in light of the other posts I've written today, it was a good reminder to me to stop staring transfixed into the past, but to see instead the future and what could be done there. Let us carry to future glory.

It's time to carry on soldiering on.

God is bigger than...

I'm not usually the overly emotional or sensitive type. Sure, I'm overdramatic and happychappyluckygodippy but I've never cried in a movie before, and I doubt very few people have seen me burst into tears. Ice Queen. That's me.

But we age, and along with everything else, our tear ducts also wear out and hence we sometimes find that emotionality starts to take over. (This is the Ice Queen trying to defend the alarming position of finding herself a bit more emotional in the previous years.) 

I could, at this point, explain a bit more, but I'd prefer not to. Suffice it to say, that there are good reasons for these tears. Suffice it also to say that this last month has also been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster due to the potential burnout and reconfiguring of system and some other unexpected twists and turns (albeit no tears! AHAH! Ice Queen is back!). And I've been dipping and rolling and swimming in a weighty marsh of emotion. Then I heard the voice of sanity say to me: "God is bigger than your emotions."

Hallelujah! I don't need to feel as if my emotions are in control of me. 'Cause they're not. God is King over me and King over them, and I need not bow no longer to feelings that 'I can't seem to control'. BAH! AHAH!

Almost-anniversary!

I realized today that it's almost my anniversary. Yes, three more months, and we shall have reached a full year since I first bunged up the wretched foot.

[Actually, to be fair, it's not the foot's fault. It's the fault of its wretched owner.]

But why so long?, might be the question on your lips. Why on earth aren't I back in full form, jumping from trees, and climbing over gates as I was wont to in my prime.

Because I am a fool. Stupid. Stubborn, some nicer people might say. In other words: unlike sensible-minded people who usually go to the doctor as soon as they feel a twinge where there should be nary such a feeling, I felt it necessary to reach an point of limp-age and extreme pain before I decided that it would be a good idea to see someone with a medical degree. And now, 9 months after the fact, I'm still having to go to my physio, as the injury had gradually affected many other parts of my system, e.g. my calf and thigh muscles (quite possibly a nerve).

In a similar way, I've also come to realize over the past few months that I've been stupid about my spiritual health. Like I blogged a few times earlier, (see Born Again... Lazy?!?!, Soul idols, or Sole idols) I'd lost sight of the plot, and in fact needed to reconfigure my emotional stability on God. But months later, I'm discovering more and more how this had affected my system, and how it isn't easy to just make things right again. There's a lot I've been challenged in and had to rethink through, but praise God He is with me.

Dear God

Dear God

Thank you for being patient and for giving us another day in which we can tell others about you. Thank you that you have given us another day to learn what it means to be your child and to walk in faith. However, there are many things we still struggle with (me especially). I'm struggling to see why you can't just make everyone I love a part of your family RIGHT NOW, 'cause Father, I know you can if you want to. But you know what, with you it's more than just a case of 'if you want to'. 'Cause if my heart is breaking to see how confused and alone some of my loved ones are, how much more compassion do you feel for a whole earth of your creations. You know far more than me when it comes to these matters.

So, Father, instead I pray for more patience on my part and trust and willingness to be obedience. I also pray for more patience on your part, and for mercy. Father, I know there is nothing I can do to twist your arm, but I also know that you hear my prayers and know my heart, so please have mercy on my friends and family that don't know you yet.

In Jesus' name,

Amen.

Temptation

C.S. Lewis on temptation:

"A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is.... A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in."

four and a half

it's the toughest thing having size four and a half feet

(Princess Sarah told me the other day)

'cause size five is too big, and size four just a wee bit too small,

so no matter what size you end up wearing, they always fit just a little bit not right...

and that (she mused) is sometimes how it feels like not being a Christian: not of this world, but not of the next either.

Putting the Amazing back into Grace

I climbed into the car this morning and put on my favourite CD of the moment... yes, you're right: The one and only Miss Regina Spektor. And as I was driving, her song 'Eet' started playing...

 

"It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song.
You can't believe it; you were always singing along.
It was so easy and the words so sweet.
You can't remember; you try to feel the beat.."

 

And that made me think about the way that we sometimes simply forget about grace. Or rather: how easy it is to forget about what God has done for us through his grace, and what a truly amazing gift it is. We're so aware of this key Christian word and concept that sometimes, just like the person in the song, overexposure to the idea of grace perhaps dulls our consciousness of its magnitude. We forget the words, even though it's our favourite song. I know that I definitely forget at times what it means to be someone who has received grace and still continuously receives grace, and then fall into the trap of thinking that I'm not good enough for God. Or that I'm too good for God. Or that I can do enough to be with God. But that's not true. God's grace is the only way, and all we need.

 

Let's go relearn the words to our favourite song....

 

Back to burnout, back to basics

So ladies and gentlemen, let us return to the topic of burnout. I have finally realized that I might not have had a full blown-out case of it, but I was definitely was on the verge. And a lot of the reasons for this came from my need to take on more and more things because of proud arrogance. I realized this when my friend, let's call him G-Dawg, was talking to me and said: "I think it's probably best for you to not do so much, 'cause I'm sure that some people could cope easily with the amount of things you were doing, but you couldn't". At that point, the proud voice inside me shouted: "WHAT?!?!? Do you have ANY idea how much I was actually doing?!?! Do you know that mere mortals would've succumbed to yellow fever and depression and scurvy all at the same time because of the pressure from all the things I had to struggle with?!?!" And then my rational voice kicked in, and I sheepishly laughed (still only mentally, as a burst of sheepish laughter at this point would've probably alarmed my poor friend, who would've probably thought that this was a true indicator of insanity and burnout). Not only did this voice reveal my overinflated sense of self, but I also laughed at God being so wise to give me friends who didn't treat me like the Be-all, End-all, and All-Capable-Superwoman.

On that note, I was recounting the number of people I know who recently was struggling with burnout to a friend of mine. Now, many of the people I told him about are highly involved in ministry at my church, so he understandably picked up on this: "Woah. Your church sounds like a Church of Works," he mused aloud. 'Agh, don't be silly', I thought, but later as I was driving home, I thought about it. Something I'd realized from this whole situation, was that I'd perhaps fallen into the trap of thinking that 'do do do' was the answer, and that if i 'did did did', I didn't really need to spend that much time with God, or work on my relationship with him. For as much as serving is a reflection of what Jesus' death means for you, it can also be turned into a bad thing of becoming a reflection of your misunderstanding of Jesus' death for you. In other words, serving changes from being a way of saying thanks to God for Jesus' death, into a way of working your way into heaven.

So, I'm now rethinking through a lot. Please pray for me every now and then :)

Despaireth not, oh little AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH-er

I wanted to start on a new set of posts for September, but suddenly realized it might seem a bit raggedy-jaggedy-out-of-place considering that the last post seemed to have been a cliffhanger of sorts.. And like a cliffhanger, there was nary a word from her for 3 weeks: What had happened? Was Grace still holding onto the cliff edges by the tips of her little fingers, or had she wearily let go, down into the abyss of self-pity?

 

So let's take it from here. No, I'm quite alright, but I have been thinking a lot. Sometimes it's very easy to fall into despair as Christians, for we see how sinfully and dirtyly and blemishedly we still behave, even though we know we are new creations. But, it's important to keep this in mind:

 

As we grow more in godliness, we will become more and more awear of our sinfulness. As we grow more and more Christlike, we will grow in hatred of our sinful natures. And in this way, the despair we feel at being wretched sinners is sometimes an indicator of how far we've come along. So we don't need to be kicking ourselves in the kidneys when we're down, for the standards by which we're comparing our acts to are getting higher the more and more we are changed by the Holy Spirit (we hope and pray :) ).

 

So remember.. We're not the men/women we want to be. But we're not the boys/girls we used to be.

 

Amen to that.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I don't get angered easily. I'm one of those genuinely happy-go-lucky Dopey kids (as in one of the Seven Dwarves, not as in one of the Rehab Kids), who finds a genuine smile on her face pretty much all the time. But when I get angry or frustrated, I can be oh-so-very-nasty. 'Cause, underneath all my 'sugar and spice, and all things nice', I know how to hurt people, and I have the vocabulary to make it sting. And so it was last night, that in a destructive mood of complete frustration, I said some intentionally hurtful and spiteful things to someone I cared for deeply.

And this, after I'd blogged for the first time in ages, sounding all hardcore and mature with all my thoughts about how to be godly in speech and thinking and stuff. Oh, how quickly we can break, how quickly we fall, how easy it is to shatter something good with just a few words.

What a reminder of my wretchedness, a reminder that I am far from perfect.. And even when I have the best intentions, oh how my sinful self shudders to do be truly Christ-like.

God, how truly hard it is to be Your child.

I almost punched someone the other day...

Seriously.

The Guy had said something really stupid and unnecessary about bearing more responsibilities and workloads to a Girl who was already facing a lot of internal pressure, stress and perhaps a bit of burnout. And as he said it, I saw my fist reaching out, and smashing the smug grin off his face. But God kept me calm and gentle, and my fists open and by my side. And I very gently, very kindly, very softly rebuked him about his unhelpful comment and attitude.

Anyway, let's not worry about the fact that I coulda taken him on, but let's rather focus on the issue of thinking through what we say, how we say it, when we say it. Particularly with regards to being rebuked, and rebuking others. I mean, I'm all for it, but I've been reminded of two important things recently:

1) Hebrews 5:2 talks about the responsibilities of the high priest: "He is able to deal gently with those who are ignorant and are going astray, since he himself is subject to weakness". Now if this passage is speaking about the human high priests, how much more gently must Jesus have been in dealing with those going astray? And if Jesus is the one we are to be following, we too should be dealing gently with those going astray.

2) "For moral criticism to be responsible, it must be addressed to an audience belonging to the tradition criticized who can respond to it" (Tala Asad "A comment on Translation, Critique, and Subversion"). This quote is from a reading I'm doing for Translation Theories, and it's actually speaking about the responsibility ethnographers have to the culture and peoples they have written about. But as I read it, I suddenly realized how appropriate it is for our interaction with each other- it's not fair to talk about other people behind their backs. If you're really concerned about rebuking them, say it straight to their face!

So let's make life easier for tired, busy girls and think twice before we just speak. But if you do, and end up getting punched... You have been warned!!

So predictable..

I've been having a MAJOR existential crisis the last few weeks with regards to my future. So this time, I tried to be more adult about it all: I wrote out my options on a piece of paper, I asked my nearest and dearest to do a SWOT analysis of me, I prayed on my metaphorical knees, I bugged the brains of the older and wiser.. and I still don't know what I'm going to do. No magic appendix appeared in the back of my Bible, no dreams of me owning an island, no big billboard popping up in my garden.. Nada.

Obviously, this meant I've been in a bit of a tizz. And the thing with existential crises is that you tend to think that each one is special, unique, and the craziest one you've ever experienced. Ever. All other previous existential crises SO dim in comparison.

So imagine my surprise, when I went to have the Annual Debriefing with the Guy in Charge of the English Tutors, and he asked me what I was planning to do with my future. And as I listed my options, he listened attentively, then laughed and said: "Wow, that's pretty much word for word what you told me last year. I swear, if I hauled out your response in the file on my cupboard, it'd be exactly the same!"

Sheepish grin.

What an idiot! I'd completely forgotten that I'd pretty much been reacting the same way last year! So predictable. At least I'm consistent, right? But at the same time, it proved to be a great reminder about God's faithfulness: I'd gotten through this year pretty awesomely despite massive pre-freaking out, so I can surely trust God to look after me again! Yeehah!

An example of art used to reveal truth

I'm a big fan of Miss Regina Spektor :) Big, big, big, big, beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeg. And I have no idea if she's a Christian or not, but these are the thought-provoking words of her latest single: "Laughing With."

"No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one's laughing at God when they're starving or freezing or so very poor

No one laughs at God when the doctor calls after some routine tests
No one's laughing at God when it's gotten real late and their kid's not back from that party yet

No one laughs at God when their airplane starts to uncontrollably shake
No one's laughing at God when they see the one they love hand in hand with someone else and they hope that they're mistaken
No one laughs at God when the cops knock on their door and they say "We've got some bad new, sir,"
No one's laughing at God when there's a famine, fire or flood

But God can be funny
At a cocktail party while listening to a good God-themed joke or
Or when the crazies say he hates us and they get so red in the head you think that they're about to choke

God can be funny
When told he'll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie
Who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus

God can be so hilarious
Ha ha
Ha ha"

Art, art, art

Every now and then I forget how powerful art is. And when I remember, it kills me, crushes me, overwhelms me, drowns me, surprises me, excites me, thrills me. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Okay, so that wasn't reeeeeeaaaallly necessary. But let's proceed with the story, children.

So, last Monday I was invited to go watch a play with friends. Sadly, I can't even remember the name, but it was a Tennessee Williams play... with his typical touch of portraying scenes of heartbreaking brokenness. And as I was watching, getting drawn in by the lit up actors on the stage, I started getting a little bit scared. For I'd forgotten of the power of stories, of art, and being sucked in to the world of the play was the most troubling/amazing feeling in the world. And it reminded me how the arts are such a clear expression of our imaging after God - for in the arts, for some reason, we show mindblowing ability to create like God Himself created. Who hasn't gone to a rock show, or a trance party, or a movie or a play, and felt utterly sucked into something else you don't quite understand, to the point where you sometimes feel outside yourself?

This made me think about how we're supposed to deal with such a powerful gift, and I came up with two responses:
1) If you're in the practice of creating art, be careful what you use it to do. Be thought through, and don't use it irresponsibly.
2) If you're in the practice of consuming art (as we all are), we need to be careful of what we're taking in. There are many beautiful truths portrayed in art. But there are as just as many insidious lies.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Long time no write

Supplies! Remember me? Yes, I am the writer of this blog.

I know, I know, I've been missing for a while, but there's been much I've had to deal with. Fighting fire-breathing dragons, holding my breath while crossing narrow wooden bridges, jumping over marshmallow mountains, digging for jewels.. You know, all in a day's work for a Champion of Awesomeness

Okay, fine. Work got me down. As well as a whole lot of stuff. Lots to think about and to process, but let's start with this:

"Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so
Little ones to him belong -  they are weak,
 But He is Strong."

Amen.

Laugh out loud... or not? Thought 6

Oh wow, I thought I'd just written the last thought about this, but I just found the most amazing words from C.S. Lewis.

In his book The Weight of Glory, he writes:

There are no ordinary people... It is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub and exploit - immortal horrors or everlasting splendors. This does not mean we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of that kind... which exists between people who have from the onset taken each other seriously - no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption.

Now THAT's food for thought.

Laugh out loud... or not? Thought 5

The last thought is left to a secular speaker I recently had the privilege of listening to, who spoke on how to give presentations. This speaker was amazing, someone who was able to keep a group of over-tired, partied-out group of students gripped to her every word through her amazing sense of humour.

"When giving presentations", she said, "use humour and not jokes". And what's the difference?

Jokes have someone or a group of people as the target point, humour is contextual and witty. Jokes alienate, humour need not.

Much to think about, eh.

Laugh out loud... or not? Thought 4

The second last bunch of thoughts comes from another friend [cut and pasted here :)] Why I've included his remarks here, is because they're really helpful at pinpointing reasons for indulging in humour, godly or ungodly:

Laughter is very powerful because it releases endomorphins (aka endorphins), pain-killing neurotransmitters that make us feel happy. But I know that often when I joke, I often do so to draw attention to myself or impress others, or, conversely, to take attention away from myself and my own failings by making others the butt end of my jokes.

I think it's useful and important to think of the purpose of our joking, but without being paralysed into mute seriousness -- which no doubt would happen if we were to evaluate whether everything we contemplated saying would build up everyone in earshot. Selfish joking is, I think invariably, sinful -- if not because it injures another, then at least because it is selfish. And when joking demeans another, it's almost certain to be wrong. Why the hesitancy to say it's always wrong? I
think there may be legitimate occasions for good-natured poking fun at people, e.g., at the convenor of a camp or event. This can help to put people at ease, especially those who perhaps feel insecure.

Laugh out loud... or not? Thought 3

And then someone emailed me and said the following about joking: "I also think wisdom is needed, for example if you are wise enough to see that a person will not be badly affected by a "loser" joke and if it is said in a loving spirit, I think it's okay."

But I also had some thoughts on that, as I promptly emailed back. (Of course I had thoughts! This is my blog!)

1) How can a "loser" joke be said in a "loving spirit"? That seems like a paradox?

2) Why do we use loser jokes anyway?

3) And I also wonder about how we can know for sure if the person won't be badly affected. I would say I'm a pretty strong person, and it's pretty okay to joke around with me about anything. But God's recently been using people to make jokes at my expense at times when I've been at a emotional weak point to show me what it's probably like for people who aren't as emotionally strong. And it kinda sucks. And i know that the various people joking with me haven't meant to hurt me. but I'm not going to wear a huge sign around my neck that says: "I'm having a crappy day, don't make jokes at my expense!" How can we ever know for sure that we aren't hitting a sore point with other people's insecurities?

Laugh out loud... or not? Thought 2

Now why I'm titling these posts 'Thought's and not 'Parts', is because I've just been having random thoughts about this, not really parts that build up to a point.

How boring that sentence was.

Anyway.

To move on.

And swiftly.

Here's another thought from my friend DJ B:

It's not that every word that we speak must build each other up, I think it's the attitude that we speak to people in. Like when I ask a friend to pass the tomato sauce when I'm chowing down on a good steak. That doesn't necessarily build him up. But if I'm all rude about it and say like, " yo, you over there, yeah, give me that All Gold now.." then its a problem. I think its the same with our joking.

So basically, he's saying we need to really think through what our attitudes are behind joking in a specific way. Are we really joking because it's meant to be funny, or is it just to make ourselves look better?

Laugh out loud... or not? Thought 1

Q: Why does the bride wear white on her wedding day?
A: So that she can match all the other kitchen appliances.

Laughing is fun, tension-relieving, endorphin-releasing, friendship-building, enjoyable, a gracious gift from God. But at the same time, like all good things in this fallen world, it can also be used so harmfully.

Luckily, God's been teaching me a lot about the way I use my humour over the past year. I'm one of those who appear not to take that much seriously as I'm forever giggling at something or seeing the ridiculous side of something. However, I've been more and more rebuked about how often i use mean humour to get laughs. You all know what I mean: we call it 'ripping off' and under the disguise of it all being 'in good fun', we use words to break others down.

However, why do we distinguish between the way we speak when we joke from the way we usually talk about stuff. What makes it acceptable that we joke about coarse things or that we joke ungraciously when God commands us to be pure and gracious in all things? When we wouldn't even think about being ungracious or impure when we're being serious? I don't think this means the end to all joking. I think this means we must learn to use joking in a way that DOES build up and that perhaps will be much harder work cause it'll need to be more creative and different from the way the world usually works..

With friends like these...

I've become friends with this lovely immigrant from Malawi, who moved to South Africa a few years ago to find work, and more opportunities etcetc. He's doing well for himself, but having said that, he's not earning top mega bucks. And what really amazeso me is that he is so generous with the little he has. This was again displayed to me on Sunday, when he came up shyly to me and called me out of the group of people I was standing with. As I went over, he showed me a collection of books he had with him, a whole stack of books he'd gotten from his employer. "He's given me more than 30!", my friend exclaimed, obviously really excited at this amazing gift. "And now that I am being fed so well with these gospel books, I thought you guys must also have one!" And lo, and behold, he'd picked one book for each of the people that had worked with him at the Night Shelter, How cool :)

And what's even more exciting is how thoughtfully chosen and appropriate the books were for each person! I've been thinking a lot about relationships recently - how much time to give to them, how to conduct healthy relationships, how to be friends in a really meaningful way etc.etc.. I'm a bit of a people's person (even though I swear that deep down inside I'm a repressed introvert at times!), and to be honest, thinking about relationships drives me up the wall and down again. Especially 'cause I've also been thinking a lot about burnout recently as well - am I giving too much, am I too easily focused on other people etc.etc. And believe it or not, the book I'd gotten was one called: "Listening for heaven's sake: Building Healthy Relationships with God, Self and others". My brother got one on the balance between praying and doing, another friend who's about to become a dad got one on leading the family in a godly manner etc.etc. Yay, talk about God stepping in to give us just what we needed!

Burn out or rust out?... Part 3

Part 3: How do we keep ourselves?

We have a duty to keep ourselves and to keep each other.

What is the single best way to keep yourself in ministry?
1) Keep yourself a Christian
2) Keep yourself continuing in what you have learnt

We also have a responsibility to keep each other
- there is no such thing as privatized Christianity.

Umm. Yeah. This is a short one, 'cause I kinda got over taking notes at this point. Heehee.

Hmmm. I found it helpful to reconsider reasons for ministry etc., but I was expecting many more practical tips about burn out. Instead, I found that after these sessions, I felt obligated to get involved with more ministries, instead of trying to cut down on my own current number (which a person containing a measure of sensibility might suggest). So. Burn out, huh. Fortunately, a friend of mine recently went to see a Christian psychologist about this, who was apparently VERY helpful with practical tips, so once she has emailed me the notes, I'll post them up here. Till then, exercise, eat healthy, sleep enough, and laugh.

Burn out or rust out?... Part 2

Part 2: Organized ministry

We need to be emotionally committed to people. Note that apostle Paul never talked about ministry being fun - the Bible makes it clear that while serving in ministry he experienced hardship, emotionally and physically.
e.g. in 2 Timothy 1:15, Paul writes:
"You know that everyone in the province of Asia has deserted me, including Phygelus and Hermogenes".

And so it is, that we will also experience hardship. So how can we be sensible about our ministries?


1) Keep thinking vertically, not just horizontally.
- one of the biggest faults in ministry is pride
- we make the mistake of wanting people's approval to validate our ministry
Why do we fall into this trap? Because people give immediate and visual feedback
BUT it is to God we are accountable

2) Think holy, and not just ministry
- don't compartmentalize areas of your life e.g. church life, work life, leisure life.. being holy should underscore all of these areas

3) Think personally (realistically), not just hypothetically
- acknowledge each other's differences
e.g. genders: girls might need a hour and half for 1-to-1 meetings to have good long catchup chats; guys might only need 45 minutes
- know yourself and who your colleagues are
e.g. find out which times of the day you work best, which times of the year you struggle with being motivated

4) think pastorally, and not just professionally
- it's not a job: we should work hard, love them, and not just be legalistic

Burn out or rust out?... Part 1

So a few weeks ago, I mentioned that I'd gone to a 3-part seminar on Burn out [seeA thought on burnout]. To be more precise, the sessions on ministry-related matters. I've finally found some time to type out some of the notes, so here you go!

Part 1: Motivation for ministry

Our motivation to be involved in Christian ministry is based on a God-centered theology, which can be outlined in 8 reasons. Why it's important to keep these 8 reasons in mind, is because we want to be asking ourselves: are our ministries in line with these things? Are we pushing our ministries in the direction that God is pushing his ministry?

1) Because of God's plan

Ephesians 1:3-10

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding. And he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ,to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment—to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ."

2) Because of God's glory

Acts 17:16-17

"While Paul was waiting for them in Athens, he was greatly distressed to see that the city was full of idols. So he reasoned in the synagogue with the Jews and the God-fearing Greeks, as well as in the marketplace day by day with those who happened to be there."

3) Because of God's judgement

Acts 17:29-31

"Therefore since we are God's offspring, we should not think that the divine being is like gold or silver or stone—an image made by man's design and skill. In the past God overlooked such ignorance, but now he commands all people everywhere to repent. For he has set a day when he will judge the world with justice by the man he has appointed. He has given proof of this to all men by raising him from the dead."

4) Because of God's love

1 John 4:7

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God."

2 Corinthians 5:14

"For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died."

5) Because of God's gospel

Romans 1:14-19

"I am obligated both to Greeks and non-Greeks, both to the wise and the foolish. That is why I am so eager to preach the gospel also to you who are at Rome. I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile.For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: "The righteous will live by faith."

6) Because of God's promise of faithfulness

Matthew 28:18

"Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

7) Because of God's patience

2 Peter 3:8-9

"But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."

8) Because of God's reward

1 Thess 2:17

"But, brothers, when we were torn away from you for a short time (in person, not in thought), out of our intense longing we made every effort to see you. For we wanted to come to you—certainly I, Paul, did, again and again—but Satan stopped us. For what is our hope, our joy, or the crown in which we will glory in the presence of our Lord Jesus when he comes? Is it not you? Indeed, you are our glory and joy."

My physio tells me these things...

So I went again to my physio a few days ago. Same old story as the previous sessions. She works on my leg a bit, asks me to show her the biomechanical exercises (to improve leg and foot strength) she gives me for homework, and then does some machine work.

Only thing is, I hadn't really practised any of the exercises in the last few weeks. But I wasn't too worried- I'd worked on them quite hard for the previous session, and surely my muscles would be able to cope.

Yeah, right. Sure, I didn't fall over as I stood one-legged on the Problem Foot, but I could definitely feel that my muscular co-ordination had deteriorated as I stood wobbling like a jelly cake in the wind, with my arms flailing all over the place.

"You should work on those exercises", my physio said. "Especially considering that when you reach the age of 25, you start to lose your ability to balance. Why? Because we don't exercise those muscles necessary, and because we don't practise our ability to balance like we do when we're kids."

!!!!!! Can you imagine! At 22, I'm already so clumsy! And now she was telling me that my ability to fall over at random times was just bound to get worse after 25!

But as I thought more about what she was saying, I reckoned it was a great analogy for where I'd been for the past few months in my Christian walk. I hadn't been reading my Bible or praying as regularly as I had in the beginning, justifying this to myself by saying that I didn't have time, and I kinda knew enough to tide me over for a bit. Just like we don't think to continue working on our balance because it's something we'll always have. Except... this is a misguided presumption. If we don't keep on working on our balance, it will deteriorate. Similarly, if we don't work on our relationship with Jesus, that'll go downhill too. You know how it is with your own friends - you might phone them once a week, it becomes once a month, and before you know it, if you don't see them regularly, it becomes once every few years.

So I suppose it's a question with whether you want to keep your balance/ relationship with Jesus for life, or if you just want to let it go. I can't answer that for you, but I gotta go practise balancing on garden walls now. Ciao!

Yay for naysayers!

So I went and did something stupid the other day.

Actually, by saying it was stupid I make it sound as if it was unintentional, but it wasn't. It was selfish, and (what's more) quite well thought out. I had told myself that I wouldn't do it for such-and-such reasons, and having patted myself nicely on the back for being so mature about the whole situation and coming up with good reasons not to do it, I went and did it.

Stupid, huh.

And the thing is, it was quite easy to justify it to myself and to others afterwards, but when I told one of my very best friends, Princess Sarah, she immediately cut through to the core of my selfishness, and gently and kindly rebuked me. And you know what? I was so so so encouraged by her rebuke, even through the 'ooh, aah, cringe cringe cringe, uuuhh, bbooooh' feeling, that I asked her to repeat it.

Now, I know that makes me sound like a masochist, but her gentle words made me realize how long it had been since I'd last been challenged so clearly. And what I really appreciated, was that she was more concerned about what was best for me - the growth of my godliness - rather than whether I would dislike her for picking up on a seemingly small matter [ahah! Self-justification again!]. That just made me re-realize that I have so many yay-sayers in my life - people who are hesitant to say 'nay' to me or hesitant to rebuke or critique my actions, so that I end up thinking that everything I do is superwonderfulhunkydory, even when it isn't. Furthermore, it really made me realize that I desperately missed having someone saying 'nay' when I needed to hear it: when I had misbehaved badly, when I'd gone too far, when I'd been inconsiderate and selfish.

Like Proverbs reminds us: "Wounds from a friend can be trusted but an enemy multiplies kisses" (27:6)

Hahaha, okay, that's a bit extreme, but you get my point!

Let's hold on to those people in our lives that do say nay, 'cause they are far and few between.

God is everywhere..

Like I just mentioned, I spent last week on this awesome youth summit. Aimed at fostering youth potential in social change, the summit brings together 100 of the brightest young minds around the country for a weeklong conference. (Wow, isn't that nicely phrased. It's almost like they paid me to write that) (Or rather, it's almost like they should pay me to write that) (I hope someone who's reading this feels compelled to give me money) (Yeah, that was a hint).

Aaaannywaaay.. if you've been reading my posts regularly, you'll remember that I'd been going through a reconfiguring of identity recently (resulting in a bit of an unsteady temperament and other emotional issues), and for this reason, I was kinda nervous about attending this conference. Also, because I'd thought that this conference was particularly aimed at corporate business types, and e-ve-ry-one knows that hardcore secular business types don't believe in God.

So imagine my excitement to find out that a number of the attendees and of the organising team were Christians! Isn't that crazy? Well, it is. But it's because I tend to forget the power of God's Word to change and convict people of their sin :). But God does work, and people do repent, and yay, it is all so very exciting :) :)

A thought on burnout...

So I just got back on Sunday from a HECTIC week attending an awesome youth summit, and when I walked into church that evening, Doug (our crazy student minister) promptly invited me to a training day the next on the subject: Burn out or rust out? As he suddenly went into a bout of 'wide-eyed, focussed looking' and 'nodding', I finally clicked that this sudden attack of physical movement wasn't because he was undergoing a minor epileptic fit, but because he was trying to subtly hint that I was a prime candidate for attending this meeting. As if I was in danger of burning out like other minor mortals, pschaw. Puhleeeeaassee. So last year.

But as I thought about it, it's actually something we should be seriously considering as people who live for Jesus. It doesn't matter whether we're in full time ministry or not- we are all called to serve in our own contexts. And because the implications of being in ministry and serving others in the name of Jesus are so huge, wonderful, eternal, and great, we tend to push ourselves more often than not. I'm not going to type out the notes from the 3-part series here now, as I'm actually supposed to be packing for another conference (yeah, yeah, so maybe Doug was right to be hinting so violently), but there's definitely food for thought here about how we're going about in our ministries, and whether we're doing too much or not at all..

Habitat for Humanity devotions... Post-mortem

So how did it go?

Well, quite wonderfully, in fact! God was SOOOOOOO gracious so that when I finally hit the moment of having to deliver them, I wasn't freaking out anymore, but calm and trusting. I don't know if anyone had a 'Ooh, I want to become a Christian right here and now', but I was encouraged by a few individuals' feedback which made it clear that at least some people had been listening. (What made it an awesome opportunity as well, was the fact that the devotions happened just before the volunteer briefs every morning, so nearly everyone was present when I led them.)

Moreover, I was just reminded about the impact of witness. Near the end of the week, one or two people came up to me and said how cool it was that I wasn't pious, religious Grace who just gave devotions in the morning, but that I hung out with them and partied late into the wee hours of the morn' with them. And to be honest, that hadn't been why I'd gone out - I just like to party. But I hope that this was able to reflect that being a Christian isn't about not having fun, and obeying all these rules. It's about loving Jesus. Here's hoping that my actions were able to break some stereotypes they may have had about Christians... But hey, it's all in God's hands.

Fun times.

PS Many thanks to JP and others who gave valuable feedback and ideas :)

Habitat for Humanity devotions... Part 3

Part 3

By now you've had time to do some actual building, and I must say I find it pretty awesome to see how a house is being built together out of all these materials. Now, the Bible says God is actually busy with a huge building project. Listen to what Apostle Paul writes to some Christians about what Jesus has done to the two separate groups: the Jews and the non-Jews.

Ephesians 2:19-22:

Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.

The building project God is busy with is not some kind of material structure like we're building here, but rather, he's building people together into a community. Of course that spiritual reality will manifest itself in all kinds of community building projects like the one we're doing today - and the interesting thing is to think about the analogy of a building. By now, with your work on the site, I think you've pretty much figured out that a brick is just a brick. It's not a wall. To become a wall, it needs other bricks. Furthermore, a wall is just a wall. It's not a house. To be a house, there need to be at least four walls and a roof. In the same way, we're interdependent and all have different gifts/responsibilities in this project. So today, let's think about how we can help each other out, and are all important in the work we're doing.

Habitat for Humanity devotions... Part 2

hmmm.. I can't actually remember all that clearly what I said. But I know I wanted to include a short Bible verse here, and to make it clear that Christians do what they do because of Jesus's example..

Part 2

So yesterday we touched on one reason why Habitat does what it does: because it is based on the Bible's teaching that all people are created in the image of God. But on the Habitat website, a more important reason is given: Habitat's ministry is based on the conviction that to follow the teachings of Jesus Christ, we must love and care for one another.

Now that's all wishy-washy - What does it mean to love one another? Fortunately, the Bible gives us an answer. In 1 John 3:16, it is written

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.

Now, I've heard before that Christians tend to separate spiritual religion with material reality, and that they don't care about helping others and being involved in social action. But here we see that our beliefs should change the way we act. We are urged to be involved and serve others.

On the other hand, it's also clear here why Habitat calls itself a Christian organization, and not just a 'social change' or 'humanitarian' organization. It's because Habitat's actions have been motivated by Jesus' death on the cross and what He's already done by serving us.

Habitat for Humanity devotions... Part 1

With the first devotion, I used a quote from the founder of Habitat that talked about his motivation for helping others, in order to ease the listeners into the devotions/ Christianity idea, and to make it relevant to them as members of Habitat for Humanity. I also explained a bit first about why we were doing the devotions, so that people wouldn't feel that they'd been tricked into anything.

Part 1:

Habitat has an open-door policy: All who desire to be a part of this work are welcome, regardless of religious preference or background. We have a policy of building with people in need regardless of race or religion. We welcome volunteers and supporters from all backgrounds. However, Habitat for Humanity International is a nonprofit Christian organization, so every morning we're going to start off with a devotion or a reflection time thinking about Habitat and what we’re here to do.

Why are you here this week? Is it out of guilt 'How can I have so much when so many others are struggling?'. Is it to have fun, and make new friends? Or is it simply to help others because its right. If you feel the last way, it's really an expression of the fact that you're made in the image of God and made for community. The founder of Habitat for Humanity, Millard Fuller once said: “I see life as both a gift and a responsibility. My responsibility is to use what God has given me to help his people in need", illustrating the reason why Habitat sought to fill this need. It's because the Bible teaches that all people are created in the image of God, therefore have intrinsic value. that is why we are urged to help and care for others. So as we start building today, it'd be a good idea to just think through for yourself, why you're here and doing what you're doing.

Habitat for Humanity devotions

"Grace, don't you want to do the morning devotions?" the Habitat for Humanity vice-chair looked at me pointedly.

I shake my head vigorously. Noooo way.

For those of you who don't know, Habitat for Humanity International is a "nonprofit, ecumenical Christian organization, [...] dedicated to eliminating substandard housing and homelessness worldwide and to making adequate, affordable shelter a matter of conscience and action". So when the branch at my university recently held its weeklong International Student Build in the holidays, it meant someone had to do the morning devotions.. Me?

Sure, why not? I was someone who genuinely loved Jesus, pretty good at handling groups of people, and had been trained quite well in giving small talks at my church... But inside I was freaking out. No-one really knew it was a Christian organization, so the majority of the people coming probably wouldn't be Christian, and deep down I knew it was mostly 'cause I didn't want to be 'that' Christian girl.

But two weeks later, I find myself volunteering to take them. Despite my hesitation, I realized what an awesome opportunity this was (that is, after sharing my fears and being told to 'suck it up' a few times by my caring siblings and others). I also found it a good rebuke to be shown how much value I placed in human opinion, and not in God's.. Fear the Lord, not people.

So the challenge was this: to prepare five short devotions for a group of people who probably didn't know Jesus, and didn't care about the Christian roots of the organization they were helping on, being clear about Jesus, and also keeping it interesting and relevant. This is what I came up with...

Feelings are a theological nuisance... Or Not. Part 2

Like I've mentioned in earlier posts (see Holiness? How old fashioned or I'm only human or You can change but not...) I'm currently working my way through a book called You can Change that's helping me fight my idols. Dum dum dum.

What I haven't mentioned that one of my idols is that of academic success. Now, for those of you who don't know me, I'm a bit of a geek, a nerd, someone who is very interested in what she studies, and therefore works very hard at it. With relatively good results. So one of the idols I'd created in her head was of getting one of the awesome scholarships or bursaries for overseas studies. So you can imagine the minor existential crisis I had when I found out that I hadn't gotten any calls for follow-up interviews. And coming as it did during a time of idol-smashing, I was already in a fragile state of mind, and even more frustrated and upset than I thought I would have been. There was much wailing. Even more, gnashing of teeth. But the chapter of You can Change that I read later that day put everything into an amusingly ironic light:

Why do we do the things we do? Why do we get angry, frustrated, irritable or depressed or, for that matter, happy, excited or content? Why do we lie, steal, fight and gossip? Why do we dream, fantasize, envy and plot? Why do we overwork and overeat?... (72)

Angry? Frustrated? Irritable? Depressed? Check, check, check, check, check. All of those described me at that moment.

And here's the answer:

According to the Bible, the source of all human behaviour and emotions is the heart (73).

Like Tim Chester points out, our feelings can therefore be used diagnostically to indicate whether our hearts are in the right place. For me, my overthetop reaction showed me clearly that my heart had made too much of this idol, believing that it was what I deserved and what I needed in my future. I should have, instead, been trusting in God's sovereignty, and His plan for my life, no matter how scary it may seem at times. Eek!

So Part 2 on Feelings would conclude: Feelings are a great theological tool for heart-diagnosis :)

What can I say at the end of this two-part thought? I leave you with the challenge of not being overwhelmed by your emotions, but using them to see if God is using them to point back towards Him, or if they can be used to show you about the state of your relationship with Christ.

Which is easy to say now when I'm sitting nice and cosy, happy in my bed, but it's another case when you're actually mad and fuming. Good luck with that ;)

Feelings are a theological nuisance... Or Not. Part 1

setting: a high-ceilinged church hall
occupants: a mix of students, dressed in summer clothes, with the odd jersey or cardigan here and there. Some are seated at long rows of tables, with plates of food in front of many, and empty plates in front of others. A few students are lounging on big couches in the one corner, while others are moving around in the kitchen, serving food to a handful of students that are queueing.

enter, one female student. pan to thoughts (yes, this is a super-awesome camera that can pan to thoughts).

Me: "Gosh, I'm glad I made it. Hmm.. Yeah. Maybe I should go say hi to.. Nah. Flip. Why hasn't anyone noticed that I'm here? Oh. Hmmm. Oh, there's a group of people I know. They seemed to be huddled in a tight conversation. Would be weird if I just barged in. Oh, So-and-so is looking at m.. Oh, no he's not. Oh. Okay. Maybe I should just go stand in the food queue. Okay. Oh, this sucks. Why do I always have to be the one that makes effort? Why can't other people make effort with me (flashbacks to events earlier in the week, to the music of Lord of The Rings, where said student is shown helping, meeting up with, encouraging other students). I've sacrificed so much for these people! Why are they just ignoring me??!?!? Me, me, me, look at me! Boohoo."

CUT!

So there I was. Finding myself unwanted and unloved. My feelings were grotesquely exaggerated after a long week of crazy events happening where I'd felt I'd given much of myself to my friends and fellow brothers and sisters-in-Christ. And having come late to a Bible study already feeling quite tired and weary, I felt particularly disheartened that, when no-one was reaching out to me.

But then! Epiphany! I realized that the way I felt ( i.e. used and betrayed by my friends), was exactly the way that God must have felt that week. He'd been the one sustaining me, making the sun to shine down upon me, blessing me with friends and food and health and shelter, and instead of acknowledging His work, I just ignored Him. I could just imagine God somewhere coming in through the door in my busy life, going "Me, me, me, look at me!" And I steadfastly refused to show any recognition of His presence.

Just in case those that aren't really into emotions or feelings suddenly think that I've been smoking crack, one only needs to read Hosea [in the Bible] to see the extent of the betrayal God feels when his people, Israel, run after other idols.

[Israel] said, 'I will go after my lovers,
who give me my food and my water,
my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink.'

Therefore I, [God] will block her path with thornbushes;
I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.

She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Then she will say,
'I will go back to my husband [God] as at first,
for then I was better off than now.'

She has not acknowledged that I was the one
who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil,
who lavished on her the silver and gold—
which they used for Baal (Hosea 2:5-8).

So what does this show about feelings? Well, what became clear in Part 1 was that feelings are powerful, and God sometimes uses this power to point us back at Him. I think this calls for a certain self-reflexivity, and (NB) this need not always be the case, but it can be.

Now let's turn to Part 2 for another example.

The post which started this all off can be found here: Feelings are a theological nuisance.