mediocrity

Aah. In light of my previous post on ambition, and several posts before that on not being a half-and-half person, a forwarded email from Kyle 'The Man' Johnston was particularly timely.

Few people aspire to mediocrity. But they often drift into it because the temptation to cut corners and take the easy route is often not recognized. It’s not recognized because it’s often veiled in the advice to “be reasonable.”

But if you are going to be effective — that is, if you are going to truly serve people well (which is what effectiveness is about), then you can’t settle for being reasonable. You have to go the extra mile.

Read more here

significant others and ambition

the groom (an overachiever of note) told of how he nearly broke things off with my friend because he felt she wasn't ambitious enough. intense! but understandable given the incredible business and personal achievements the groom had racked up in his short life. but then the groom told of how his wife-to-be-then responded, she said "No, you're wrong. I am ambitious. My ambition is to love my neighbour as myself".
BOOM. game over.

- from the lovely Lauren's blog

Confession: if there's anyone who I am more like in the story, it's the groom. Not that I'm that much of an overachiever, but because I'm starting to struggle increasingly more with pride, status anxiety etc...

For a long time, I've thought about who I might possibly end up with one day (if marriage is on the cards), and I've come to realize now that the characteristics I'd listed were along the line of the world's definition of success. Some of my preferences are definitely wisdom choices, but some of them were just.. unimportant, really.

Reading La's friends' story was such a helpful antidote because of the way that the girl so gently and firmly reminds the guy of what priorities are in life.

Here's to ambition, hoorah hoorah. I'm rewriting my list so that it has one thing on it: Main ambition in life must be to be more like Jesus Christ every day.

hate: a thought

So many people think that the commands to Love the Lord your God and Love your neighbour means that the Bible thinks that hate is bad.

Not so.

There are many things we are called to hate. Sin, injustice, prejudice, murder, evil, wickedness, dishonesty, corruption...

Remember this.

an orphan heart versus heart of a son

I had lunch with a friend the other day, and we were talking about our struggles as Children of God. She shared that because of her fractured relationship with her parents, one of her biggest challenges was accepting God was a loving Father, Someone who cared for her deeply, Someone she could rely on in times of trouble and need.

Unfortunately, this is a truth for many of the believers in the world - even more so as families are increasingly falling apart, and the family unit as pictured in the Bible (a happy, loving, godly family unit) is become harder to find.

At this point, I want to point you to my friend Lauren's blog, and a post she recently put up about the Heart of an Orphan versus the Heart of Sonship.

What I love about it is that it compares and contrasts what it's like being a Fatherless child, and a child with a Father. It's not a prescriptive list, but just something useful to think through. e.g., in the category of "Image of God", it has 'See God as Master' for an Orphan, and 'See God as a loving Father' as Son. In the category of 'Self-image', the Orphan has 'Self-rejection from comparing yourself to others' to the Son 'Positive and affirmed because you know you have such value to God.

I think I'm going to print it out and put it up somewhere :) That way, when I fall into the habit of thinking like an Orphan, I can say to myself, No, think like a Daughter!

24 April 2011: The night I decided not to be a Christian anymore - Part 2

I'd never seriously contemplated giving up - I'm no quitter. Especially if someone tells me I can't do something. But something was saying in me, Walk away, you are not good enough, you can't ever please God, you're going to carry on hurting Him, and carry on failing. You're an adultress, an idolater. Against that, another voice was whispering, quieter, stiller, weaker, Just hold on, don't believe the lies, God's grace is sufficient for you. Don't listen to the lies. Hold on.

The song ended, and I left the hall with everyone else. I wanted to tell someone, anyone, and ask them to pray with me, but at the same time, I suddenly realized that this was a battle I had to fight for myself. I felt like Jacob, wrestling with the Lord in the middle of the night. No-one else could be Jacob in my place.

It was a long night in many ways, but a good one. As I sat by the window, looking out at the lights sparkling in the city, I realized two very big things:

1). One of the biggest problems illuminated by this situation was that I make everything about myself. I felt unable to trust my own faithfulness, unable to trust in my own my own power in keeping focused on God. Meanwhile, it's only through God's power that I have come to know Him, and only through His power I will remain in Him. He is the one who provides the power with which I live daily for His glory. No matter how much I mess up, it's not up to me to call the shots - the only one who can ever tell me to quit is God. And He never will.

2). I had cheapened grace. My eyes had turned inwards, towards my sinfulness, away from Jesus and His sacrifice in making me white like bleach before Him. Yes, there are very few human partners who are able to deal with unfaithfulness, but our God is a loving and compassionate God, slow to anger. He is bigger than anything I can thow at Him, and His love for me through Jesus surpasses any of my iniquities, future, past and present.

The decision to walk away from God, as short as it had lasted in 5 minutes, was the best thing that could've happened to me. It's not something that would've worked so well for everyone as a shock into thinking and assessing their lifestyles, but it really opened my eyes to my tiredness of living a half-and-half life. I have realized that as much as I felt that I wanted to live a life without God, I cannot. He is all I have, and all I am. I also was rudely awakened into how at my utmost core, my foundational understandings were shaky, and how I had lost the plot a little.

So, where to now? What have I taken from my experience of seeing a future without God?

If anything, I have a renewed conviction that I must carry on as a Christian, but with a much realistic assessment of my struggles and the temptations I face. I am not completely re-energized - in fact, my sinful desires still have a firm grasp on me, and I am far more drained emotionally after this camp than encouraged. But I feel like I have finally looked at myself in the mirror - it's ugly, but at least now I know what I am dealing with. There are many things I need to work through. And no, I will not be sinfree and faithful the whole time, but God will do immeasurably more than I ask, and He is bigger than I've ever dreamt Him to be. And that is more than sufficient for me.

So, I carry on. Trusting, one step at a time, one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. Back to reading His Word and praying. Back to trying. I'm tired of having a non-relationship relationship with the God of the Universe. It's time for the real thing.

24 April 2011: The night I decided not to be a Christian anymore - Part 1

As you can see from a few of my preceding posts, Equip was a really profound time. So how was it that I found myself on the last night, seriously contemplating giving up my walk with Jesus Christ? This is the story. [please read post 1 and 2.]

--

As Andrew's talks on Exodus continued, I started re-realizing the awesomeness, the intenseness, the power, the majesty of the Lord God Almighty. I had forgotten this in the last few months (if I'm honest, it's probably more like last year, or last two years). I'd fallen into the trap of making my God tiny, small enough to do my bidding when I wanted to, small enough to do my plans. But as Andrew worked clearly and faithfully through God's relationship with Exodus, my eyes were re-opened. I came to see that there was so much I'd been failing in, and little by little, I became more and more shaken at how I'd drifted away in pursuing a relationship with God.

Two particular points of his talks stand out:

The first, when we reached the Ten Commandments.
Andrew recontextualized these commandments within the framework of a typical human relationship. It's a given that when you enter into relationship with someone, you both spend time figuring out what you both do and do not like (if you don't tell each other directly from the start). For God, it's simple: You don't cheat on me with others, and you don't mess around with my name. Further, with commandments like 'do not murder', God's also saying, Don't mess around with those I have created. With these ten black and white commandments placed in such an everyday, familiar relational context, no longer did they seem unreasonable, illogical, or perplexing, but rather, obvious, a natural consequence, a perfectly reasonable expectation stemming from the objectives of a relationship.

The second, when we reached the part about the golden calf.
Andrew used the example of human relationships again to articulate how ridiculous it is when WE tell God what He is like, instead of letting Him tell us what He is like. Imagine a friend tells you that he only likes milk stout, not beer, not wine, not coffee. Just milk stout. How would he feel if you kept on buying him everything else except for milk stout? And you kept on telling him it was because he liked it? He'd be mad, right? Then why on earth did the Israelites think that God would be happy with their way of worshipping him (the golden calf), when He'd told them how, when, what, how He preferred??? Moreover, as I sat there listening to Andrew, I suddenly realized I'd made a golden calf out of God. I'd told Him to be satisfied with whatever scraps I had left of my heart and time.

As someone who regards her friendships and relationships highly, these two illustrations made a huge impact on me. And so, as I stood up with the others, ready to sing in response to Andrew's talk on the golden calf, I didn't start singing when everyone else did. Instead, I took a long hard internal look at my progress over the last few years. And, I realized that I wasn't going to make it. If I'm honest, I'm already living less convictedly, less passionately, than I was when I first became a Christian. I thought I could see the future, and my future revealed that I am going to be one of those people who twenty years from now will no longer be a Christian - someone who quietly, ever so quietly, just managed to drift off and slip away. Being a Christian was hard, was becoming harder the older I became, and perhaps, was too hard.

Moreover, it wasn't only myself I was worried about for once. Suddenly, considering things from God's side, I came to understand the ugliness of my disobedient sinfulness, of my half-hearted service and love, as well as my adultery in running after things of this world, and my increasing hesitation about letting others know that I am a Christian. What a pathetic life I've been offering to a most amazing King. I felt sickened to the core, as I imagined how it must feel if I loved someone so much to send my son to die for them, only to have them spit in my face. Shame. Guilt. Sorrow. My fault. All, my fault. And I 'm tired of hurting God with my idolatry.

In a spate of seeming logic, two thoughts came together: 1. I hate adultery. I have seen the effects it has on individuals and families, and I made a promise to myself I would never be unfaithful. 2. I am an all-or-nothing person. Therefore, the solution appeared so simple: if I can't guarantee myself that I won't hurt God with my adultery (and I will, for I am sinful and weak every single day), then I must leave God now before I hurt Him anymore. So this is it - it was time for the goodbye. Rather than wasting my time and His, I decided it was time to walk away.

It sounds like foolishness, like madness, like a rash of insanity. But as I stood there, I convinced myself that this was the only honourable thing to do. And as the song ended and the session ended, I walked out of the hall, almost in tears. This was it - my last night ever as a Christian.

Struggling with pride

When I was younger, I used to be far more wotevva about what people thought of me. Now I've come to realize that I struggle with status. As I may have mentioned before, I really like people, which is both a blessing and a curse. The blessing is that life is far more interesting because people are so fascinating and I enjoy making friends. The curse is that I get far too worried about what people think of me.

Why I bring this up is because I'm going over to England at the end of the year because of a prestigious scholarship. Ever since people have started hearing the news, they look at me slightly differently, and treat me slightly differently.. as though I'm a big deal.

Not helpful, no no. And I've started noticing that in my thoughts and deeds, I'm starting to drink the Kool-aid of their praise.

I told Sophie I'm concerned I'm becoming arrogant and proud. That I'm starting to believe that I am all that.

Sophie, again, was very helpful in this regard: "Do you know the antidote to arrogance and pride? Keep humble by engaging in small acts of menial service for others. Are you washing the dishes? Are you packing out chairs?"

And if I have to be honest, I've stopped helping so much with that. My attitude at church has become one of 'oh I'm too busy doing this, or talking to this person, or sitting on this chair, keeping it warm' or 'someone else should have the opportunity to serve'. These are all valid points in themselves in certain contexts, but in my situation, I use them over and over again to get out of everyday drudge work. If I'm honest, sometimes my attitude has become: 'I've served enough already; it's time for other people to serve me'.

Ooh. When did church become about me, me, me. When did my response to Jesus' sacrifice become 'what more can I get for myself out of this?'

Back to washing dishes then :)

Some further thoughts on future plans

Every now and then [read: frequently] I worry about my life, and where I'm heading. Part of my concern comes from my interest in pretty much everything. What am I to do with my gifts and talents when most future careers seem like a possibility (or, at least interesting? I doubt I'll ever make it as a neuroscientist, though that sounds pretty cool!)

Had the opportunity to talk through some things with a number of people on camp, including the lovely Sophie. She had some useful things to say to me:

- firstly, prioritize God first and foremost in whatever you're doing. grow your relationship and just draw near to Him.
- don't think so much about it - just relax. She laughed at this point and said it's probably a good thing that I think so much about it, but women (moreso than men) tend to analyse and second-guess and overthink and then analyse again through motives, assumptions, thoughts, acts etc. Her husband's been particularly helpful in this regard by pointing out the times she does it unnecessarily.
- don't rush into making decisions now - I'm still young, and I should trust God to work things out for me.
- pray and ask God to make it clear to you if you are missing any opportunities, and if there are any things you can do which are preventing you from growing.

I think what particularly helped with Sophie's words were the frank recognition of my overthinking, and just the humble kind way she basically told me to chill out by prioritizing more important things like putting God first. After all, God's in control, and wherever I will end up is where He wants me to be. Amen.

A little musical interlude

One of my favourite songs from Equip: 'You are the Everlasting God' - Chris Tomlin

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord (repeat)

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer

You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint, You won't grow weary

You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

Social justice ministry vs Word ministry: What about work

In my previous post, I dealt with my (pretty lame) reasons for prioritizing my involvement in social justice ministry over word ministry.

Which brings me to the question of work. Like I explained earlier, I've been encouraged to consider full-time paid ministry. So far, I've been hesitant about this - also explained earlier.

I hadn't reckoned for God's firm hand upon His plans for me. Richard Coekin did a great interview on ministry (it's entitled 'Maximising your gospel ministry - check out the Equip website for the MP3). At one point, he was asked: "What would you say to those people who've been encouraged to go into full-time ministry but don't have the desire?"

Wham, bam,boom.

I paraphrase his response now, but it was something like this: "Try explaining that to Jesus". The interviewer asked him for more, but Richard left it black and white - we will be accountable to Jesus one day for the way we've lived.

Wham, bam, double boom boom.

With the reminder of the power of God's word, the necessity for spreading the truth in the gospel, the love and wrath of God, and this key segment from Richard's talk, I've now reopened my future work in word ministry as a choice (not that I really a choice - God is far too powerful to need my acquiescence. He's just gracious in giving me time to come to realize that He is right.)

A number of further thoughts on choosing work:
- as Christians, our first and foremost priority should be sharing the word with others
- when considering work, this priority should also take into consideration other factors like ability, financial needs. e.g. If you don't have the ability to teach the Bible, then full-time ministry's probably not for you. e.g. If you don't have the money to go into full-time ministry and can't raise support, perhaps it's best if you work for a few years.
- if, you choose not to go into full-time paid ministry, then make sure that your work does give you time to engage in your local community and serve there as well.

Having said all that:
- Richard seemed to have a very black and white view of what to do with your gifts - if you have the gifts, use them. If you don't, go work to raise money to support others to use their Bible-teaching gifts.
- At the same time, I think it's helpful to remember, as I've been reminded, that every industry needs Christians in it - the film, the engineering, the sciences. Just keep in mind, it's only worth being at the top, if you're using your position to influence. If you're not, why are you really there?

Fortunately, I still have three/four years before I have to make any hard and fast decisions about work, but as a slow thinker, it's best I start thinking now ;)

Social justice ministry vs Word ministry: Not a vs

One of my bugbears is how so many Christians do not care about what's happening in the world. As someone who tries to keep up-to-date with what's happening, it frustrates me when others have no heart for what's going on in Egypt, Liberia, Japan. Not that everyone needs to know everything, but when people know even less about what's happening in their own country? This makes me REALLY worried.

I have become more and more convicted that part of our calling as Christians is to be invested in our world and understanding what's happening here. I remember sending an email to someone on this matter, pressing upon the urgency and necessity of doing so:

How can we be stewards if we do not understand the contexts and the times we live in? How can we minister, when we do not understand the issues and the people we minister to? Particularly in South Africa, where we have such a hectic past that still is a huge influence in the way that people interact and engage with each other today. Particularly in South Africa, where God has chosen to show such beautiful diversity, which is being used to keep separate, instead of together. Particularly in South Africa, when there is SUCH a need for godly leadership, for leaders in all sectors who actually care for their people, as opposed to the examples of many in government. Particularly in South Africa, for God in his infinite wisdom has placed each one of your classmates here and said "Here. This is the place you will make a difference."

It all sounds good, doesn't it, my passion for social justice? Over the years, I've felt increasingly convinced that I want to spend the rest of my life working in social justice projects and initiatives.

I hadn't realized though how I'd made my passion for social justice oppositional to and exclusionary of gospel ministry. I remember, when I was told to consider going into full-time paid ministry, responding: no, no, I don't have the desire for it. I think God's telling me to go into social justice ministry. Wise people advised me that these two things weren't oppositional, but I made them so in my thinking. Even worse, I placed social justice ministry over and above word ministry.

I've come to recognise a number of stupid reasons were shaping my thinking. [I'm first going to go into the reasons, before heading into a next post with thoughts about work.]

The first, and most deceptive, was a defeatist opinion of the gospel's power. Discouraged particularly by the lack of response from one specific non-Christian friend who I'd been praying for and sharing the gospel with numerous times (actually, he did respond - he just became bitter about Christianity and rejected it eventually), I'd come to believe that the gospel had no ability to change anyone's life. Why, God, should I do anything, if you're not going to do anything with my efforts? Why, God, should I care about people's eternal lives, if they're not going to get to eternity? Not that I actually articulated this belief in such a way - I just started acting on this in how I prioritized my time and energy. For the last two years, I haven't really been involved in any ministries at church, for lack of time (aah yes, what a convenient excuse) and want. I'd decided subconsciously that the best thing to do, if people weren't going to get to heaven, was to make their lives here on earth as comfortable as possible.

Some whack logic there on my part, right? I had, of course, underestimated, ignored, and completely blown off God's sovereignty, His power, and His priorities.

The second, just as insidious, reason was that I'd become ashamed of being a Christian. Being involved in social justice would still give me the space to make a difference in this world, as I believe I am called to, but without having to wave the Christian flag. It's far cooler to be a I-wanna-save-the-worlder than a I-believe-that-2000-years-ago-someone-died-for-me-one-the-cross-and-in-so-doing-my-sins-were-healed-and-that's-why-I-am-compelled-to-work-for-justice-in-this-world. In fact, I kept on using the word 'ministry' with the phrase 'social justice' to fool myself in thinking that it would be something I did for God's glory and for God's church. In reality, 'ministry' was just a nice little Christian-sounding add-on to comfort myself and my critical listeners.

Equip was illuminating in reminders of God's power, His sovereignty, His perfect control. He is not a crippled, half-powerful god who is unable to do things, but an unbelievably awe-inspiring God whose plans are not mine to question, but mine to trust and obey. I have been put in my place - I recognise now I wanted God to follow MY timing, and MY idea of what the future should be like. I have been reminded of the power of the gospel, not only as I felt myself being corrected, rebuked and encouraged as I listen to the talks, but as I observed others being challenged and grown.

So what does this mean for me, and for my oppositional placing of social justice ministry vs word ministry?

Firstly, I need to let go of my sinfulness and pray for forgiveness for belittling God and His word. The gospel is able to do immeasurably more than I allowed myself to believe. I need to pray also for idolizing my (future) work in social justice, and placing this as a higher priority above sharing the news about Him.

Secondly, I'm going to have to assess a whole lot of thinking and make sure that foundationally I haven't been suckered into further deception about what I want to do with my life, and the reasons and priorities for doing so.

Thirdly, as much as I've been saying no to considering full-time paid ministry, I am reopening that option as an option, and leaving it up to God.

Fourthly, I'm going to get plugged back into serving at my church again - for it's the gospel that will truly change the way people live here on earth, and this has again become a priority, alongside wanting to make a different to people's material lives.

Equip 2011

For the last five days, I've been near a most gorgeous sea-curved stretch of the world, attending a Christian conference (*cough cough* camp, conference sounds so ... larney) called Equip. The conference was split into four main divisions: main talks on Exodus given by a brilliant English guy by Andrew Sach, one short talk by Richard Coekin (he was also brilliant, but for the lack of sounding repetitive, let's call him superduper challenging), one main strand on teaching the Bible (I did a strand on systematic theology), and an elective (called God's Mission and you).

God was really really really gracious in using the time to challenge, rebuke and to call me back to sanity. Already on the first day, I realized that I had succumbed to a number of fallacies in my thinking about my Christian walk, and I had to face a few ugly truths about my sinfulness and things I'd been struggling with (see next few posts). It didn't stop there - every day, I was confronted with another truth. And God in His mercy planned this all to happen at a time where I was surrounded by a number of older, wiser individuals who I could accost and talk to in a matter of hours :). I feel as though Equip 2011 was a minor watershed moment in my Christian walk - I have rarely been so honest with myself about so many things lately, and I just want to praise God for giving me the time and the family members to help me recognise my errors.

So.. here goes... :)

I run to You

This isn't a Christian song (not that I know of), but I'm hijacking it today.

Lady Antebellum's I Run To You

I run from hate, I run from prejudice
I run from pessimists, but I run too late
I run my life or is it running me, run from my past
I run too fast or too slow it seems

When lies become the truth
That's when I run to you

This world keeps spinning faster
Into a new disaster so I run to you, I run to you
When it all starts coming undone
Baby, you're the only one I run to, I run to you

We run on fumes, your life and mine
Like the sands of time slippin' right on through
And our love's the only truth
That's why I run to you

This world keeps spinning faster
Into a new disaster so I run to you, I run to you
When it all starts coming undone
Baby, you're the only one I run to, I run to you

Whoa, oh, I run to you

This world keeps spinning faster
Into a new disaster so I run to you, I run to you
When it all starts coming undone
Baby, you're the only one I run to, I run to you, I run to you, yeah

The homeless, giving, and God

Bergies overwhelm me. Every time they spot me and head my way, my heart starts thudding tightly in my chest, I try to avert my eyes from their gaze, and I turn my head away slightly. Doesn't matter if it's a 50 year old emaciated man, a young 20-something looking mom abba-ing a baby on her back, or teenagers - I try to avoid them all.

My policy with the homeless is consistent: don't give anyone money, no matter what their story is. And you can tell from my response above, that I'm not comfortable with this approach. It breaks my heart to say no to the little baby and her mom, it hurts me to know that I have not helped the refugee immigrant. Yet, I'm even less comfortable with giving money. Who knows what they might do with it? And how do I decide who to give money to? 'Cause surely I can't give to everyone. So yes, it's better if I just have a standard response to everyone.

I've been rethinking this stance though. I read a thought by NY Times Nick Kristoff a few weeks ago that hasn't left me since: "We know we cannot feed all the children in the world. But consistency doesn't require us to feed none". Consistency does not require us to take no action. So maybe I'm wrong in thinking so black and white....

Further, I've been wondering whether I have the right to decide what others are going to do with my money. I am not God. I do not really know if they are going to use the money to pay for a train trip to get their HIV/ AIDS medication, to buy their baby milk, or whether they're going to use it for drugs and alcohol. But surely, it is not my place to 'know' what they are perhaps going to do with it. Isn't it my role to instead be obedient to God? And if so, God has commanded us to be generous, and to love like He has loved.

However, we cannot forget that at the same time, He has also told us to be wise stewards over what He has granted us.

Sigh.

Read some more thoughts at Jon Bloom's blog posts on Desiring God: part 1, part 2.

a bit of a ramble

Another question to ponder:

Isaiah acknowledged, repented, trusted, listened and obeyed. Which of these do you struggle the most?

My initial thought was that my struggle was in obedience. God is perfectly clear on godliness and what that means (in most cases), but his commands tend to hang on the fringes of my life.

But, I wondered if it wasn't a more fundamental issue - that of trusting. Surely, my disobedience came from an inherent distrust of God's plan for my line.

Or, maybe it's something even more fundamental?

I can't stop thinking of Isaiah's response in chapter 6 when he comes before the Lord on His throne:

"Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts!"

I realized, then, that my fault starts at the beginning of the chain. I do not really understand the awesomeness, the greatness, the magnitude of God. I do not acknowledge who He really is. I do not grasp Him in all his grace, mercy, anger, wrath, judgement, love, kindness, consistency. This is partly due to God's grace - so that my tiny little brain is not blown to smithereens while trying to wrap my head around this amazing truth, and so that I am not completely overwhelmed by horrific realizations of how truly sinful I really am - but also partly due to my own stubbornness and refusal to see Someone Else as greater than myself.

Something to work on, eh.

Reactions to God's Word

Isaiah is told that his preaching will not make it easier for Israel to believe and repent. On the contrary, it will make it harder. This is so because humans are independent beings at their core. Preaching about the rule of God often challenges people and hardens them, thus confirming them in their independence and in their fate.

If people are independent at heart and preaching makes them more so, how can anyone turn back to God?

- Two Cities: Isaiah - Andrew Reid and Karen Morris

Makes you think, huh?

I take being rebuked, challenged, encouraged, taught by God's Word as a given (sometimes, a very uncomfortable given with hard truths), but as Reid and Morris point out, it's clear from Isaiah 6 that this isn't the natural, default reaction.

How gracious God is in causing us to react to His Word in ways other than becoming more hardened.