"Girls just wanna have funnnn"

Just got back from a lovely evening with some of the girls who attend my local church. The two main organisers, E and K, went to a lot of effort, preparing food for about 15 girls, which is always a win, but what I really appreciated was the thought that went into preparing the conversations for that evening, as a Facebook message from K can attest:

Oh also E and i have been thinking how we could really make the night worthwhile. Cause as much fun as it is just sociallising girls often get into gossiping easily and we want to avoid that. So were thinking that often dinner we could have some cool chats and hear everyones opinions on some intresting subjects, such as modesty, guys, contentment, how should we as women act ect. gonna put all topics in a hat and pull out randomly to discuss. we wanting to make this very relaxed and chilled tho. just cool to hear peoples opinions about some subjects and what maybe people stuggle with ect.

And what a great night of encouragement, talking, sharing, wisdomising it was :) What a blessing it is to be in such a community where you can talk about similar struggles, identify with others, and really build each other up.

Yes, I think more of this must be done!

Listening

- just because I love this quote, and believe that skills in listening is going to go a long way in establishing healthy, growing communities -

"When I ask you to listen and you start giving advice, you have not done what I have asked. When I ask you to listen and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel the way I do, you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as it may seem. Listen. All I asked you to do was listen, not talk or do. Just hear me. I am not helpless. Perhaps discouraged for faltering, but not helpless. When you do something for me that I need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness. But when you accept as fact that I feel what I feel no matter how irrational, then I can stop trying to convince you and get on with understanding what's behind that irrational feeling and when that's clear, the answer will be obvious and I won't need advice." - Anonymous

PS - a thought on living in community

Discovered these wise words today, which are a useful illumination into my thoughts of yesterday:

The Gospel can only be witnessed to by a plurality of persons, because the witness to the gospel is something that happens between and among persons, not simply within them. One Christian can talk about the Gospel, but two or more Christians can enact its truth and power, namely in the way they treat one another. Individual righteousness is inconceivable in the New Testament apart from its expression in relation to others within the body.
- Tommy Givens

Helping.Helped - a thought on living within community

Yesterday, I bumped into a friend I hadn't seen in ages. We quickly caught up about a number of things, including my prep for England. Very excitedly, I shared with her how I was feeling so much more at ease about going over ever since some people there had gotten hold of me and expressed a warm welcome. She thoughtfully said, looking at me: "That's so great, especially 'cause it must be such a different experience for you. I mean, you're the type who prefers helping out, not being helped."

Her honest words made me pause. Sheesh, I'm as readable as a Jane and Dick grade 1 reader. I am very much a I-can-do-things-by-myself-yes-sure-I-can-help-you-but-no-I-don't-really-need-any-help-from-you-okay-maybe-I-need-some-help-carrying-this-1-ton-elephant-by-myself. It's something I've always struggled with, with manifestation in a prominent so-called Saviour/ Superman complex.

But I realized then that over the last few years God has slowly been changing me, and I'm much better than I used to be. I've come to realize that being so stubborn about not allowing others to help me is actually a barrier to forming community and to creating open, transparent, equal relationships. Mutuality depends on a give and take; not just a take - and by selfishly saying that I was beyond other people's help, I closed down their power to make rightful contributions to our relationship or to our broader community.

This is a lesson that had many iterations, many episodes, and a number of people contribute to its articulation, but here's one situation to illustrate:
Every week during Thursday night Bible studies, a different cell group is on duty, which means that they help serve up dinner, do the dishes after, serve coffee/hot chocolate. Sometimes I'd be standing with friends on duty, and would end up helping them instead of letting the groups serve. However, I was struck by the fact that me helping out every now and then robbed the group members of serving the church family, something which we were trying to encourage by creating this very opportunity. Fail? Yes, much. Rectifiable? Of course. And so it goes.

I now try to stop my first instincts to be like Me, Me, I can help, especially if there's someone else who's just as capable and can use the opportunity to serve. I also try to tell people when I need their help, instead of doing everything by myself.

After all, if the church is a body, the kidney doesn't stand by itself. Neither does the liver. They work together as a conduit of fluids/ particles/ stuff. [Biological knowledge breakdown right here.] And it is in this working together, with each part bringing its own contribution, that the body works so beautifully :)

Adoption Day

Today was Adoption Day - a full-day seminar on adoption with talks by professionals, as well as adoptive parents. I've been thinking about adoption for a few years, so this seminar was timely, as I was really keen on learning about adoption from a Christian perspective. I think it a necessary consideration, because I live in a country where the majority live in poverty, and where there are so many children in need.

The day was well-structured, and the topics chosen gave a thorough overview of adoption and many of its emotional, practical, socio-cultural, legislative factors. We went from the 'Legal Process of Adoption' to parenting adopted children and factors to consider when bringing a child into a family that already had children, understanding grief and loss in adoption, race and culture, and how to encourage adoption communities and engage with adoption within church families.

There were also some great testimonies. It was so heartwarming to hear how the adoptive parents loved and accepted their children, and how so many of their communities supported them in thoughtful, considerate ways. One family shared how their cell group hosted a baby shower for the mom - one of those events that are planned so matter-of-factly for a natural birth mom, but aren't usually thought necessary for adoptive parents.

Another story had me crying softly. The dad shared how they'd adopted a young HIV positive boy at 7 (the dad confessed that he'd first told God he'd adopt, but just not a HIV+ kid, as he felt that there'd be too many risks involved - little did he know God's plan for his life). Just before their first visit to the grandparents, he told the little boy that they were going to visit Nana and Oupa. "Nana and Oupa?" the little boy asked. "I have a Nana and Oupa?" "Yes, of course," the dad replied. "You've joined our family, now they're yours too." Now, what Nana had done was to download all the photos of the little boy she could find on Facebook, and had them printed, framed, and placed all around the house, just as if the little boy had always been part of the family. When the little boy walked into the house, he stared at all his photos showing that he too belonged, and turned to the dad and said: "She DOES know me!" What an amazing display of welcome :)

What laid the foundation for the whole day was a great opening talk on how we, as Christians, have been adopted by God into His family - one of the main reasons that have shaped my own desires to adopt. As a adoptive couple said: "We adopt, because we were adopted ourselves".

A few points from the talk: "Humanity abandoned its creator, but our Creator did not abandon us. In this context of voluntary orphanage, our Creator came down and offered to adopt us. Adoption is a picture of grace. Once we rejected God, His duty and responsibility to us ceased. But his love did not."

14 For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. 15 The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” 16 The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. 17 Now if we are children, then we are heirs— heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.
- Romans 8:14-17

Alun, the speaker, also reminded us of how we are to go about adopting: "Whatever you do, do it not from guilt or pride, but out of gratitude for your own membership in the greatest of families by what the greatest of Gods has done at the greatest of costs. [...]We need to get away from adoption as a second-best option: adoption is a first-choice option for people who know Jesus Christ first hand."

As someone who has been taken by God into His most amazing worldwide family, as someone who is a temporary stranger on this earth, as someone who now has an eternal inheritance and a Dad who is Creator of the World, I cannot wait to adopt and to similarly take people into my own family :)

The Chronicles of Packing - leaving too early

1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I'm so grateful to God that I didn't leave straight away in January, and that the UK university year only starts in October. I would've arrived burntout, sentimentally and emotionally broken, logistically inept, and would've probably struggled to settle in for months. The lovely thing about only leaving in September, 9 months after I received word that I'd gotten the Scholarship, is that I've had the gift of time. Time to recover from the last few years of madness, time to recover from the intellectual challenges of the last degree, time to spend and treasure moments spent with my friends and family, time to work on resting and exercising my foot and back (oh these persistent injuries), time to prepare myself mentally for the big shift ahead, time to just settle into myself again.

But now in these last weeks, time has become a burden. In my excitement for the adventures lying ahead, I wish I was there NOW. What I've become aware of is a faint drifting away of my heart and head into the future. I find myself in terms of my commitments, my thinking, my future, to have left already for England.

I remember saying to D at the end of last year, very honestly, that I'd probably not do much this year and in all probability, retreat from many of my friendships in an attempt to protect myself from losing people I love. Whack psychological thinking, eh. He just as honestly told me he thought that was quite cold-hearted. Fair, enough.

Fortunately, God has planned everything according to His schedule, not mine, and despite intention to withdraw, He knew that my time was still in South Africa, and that I still had to make contributions here to life here. He brought into my life many wonderful people and opportunities, to the point where in the last few months instead of cutting down on my friends, I have made more. [Even, random friends like the wonderful Miss L, who I met via Twitter. Kid you not. She's now one of my closest friends :)] I have been all the more richly blessed for following through on the doors God has opened up for me.

Through this all, in retrospect, God was reminding me that I am in a specific place at a specific time with specific people in a specific context. And if I am not wholly present in that space, then I am robbing people around me of my interaction, I am uncommitted to God's plan for me, I am not using opportunities to be a light to the world, and I am just wasting my time. I learnt this lesson in the broader change of a bit move overseas, but I wonder to myself how often I've done this in smaller contexts: at parties, at bible studies, during conversations.. where I have left already before my body leaves. If I am in one place, then I should be fully in one place :)

I mean this post to be an encouragement to think through your own 'spaces' that you're involved in, to investigate your attitudes to your commitments and your responsibilities, to see whether you are truly living out the belief that where you are right now is exactly where God wants you to be.

For me, I'd like to add the following to Ecclesiaste's list: there is a time to leave, and a time to stay.

And right now, I am still here.

The Chronicles of Packing - Worry #1: Friends

Unfortunately, all of my friends have experienced normal physical development so no-one I know weighs less than 30kgs. Which is actually rather good for them as they might have been stuffed into a suitcase, and chucked unto a plane for a 18hr flight. But this is rather sad for me, because I'm leaving behind many, many beloved people.

This brings me to worry #1 about leaving: friends. My concern is not so much about making friends - I enjoy meeting people and get along with most people, so I've rarely lacked a friendly face or conversationalist when I've wanted to chat to someone. Rather, my concern is those friendships that take longer to evolve; a relationship of trust between two people who've decided to walk along life together for a while. Despite my seeming openness and transparency in my blog, I am a very very (private) person, and there are few people in the world I really trust to share most things with. Hence the problem. If I can't pack these people into a bag with me, then the first few months, maybe even year, is going to be quite difficult, particularly because I will be in a new space, which I expect to challenge me in any ways, and I won't have deep, solid friendships to encourage, rebuke, hold me accountable, and to ask me the hard questions.

But I should've factored in God's hand over my life. Lo and behold, today, three people got hold of me in pretty much the space of 5 minutes, all of them in the UK, all of them members of God's family, and all of them saying 'Hello, we are here to welcome you, don't worry :)'. It's such a privilege to be part of a world-wide family :)

Reversing

So yesterday, after church, I hopped into my car, switched it on, put the gear into reverse, foot on accelerator... and my car went forward.

Not thinking twice about it, I put the gear into neutral, and then into reverse again. Again, the car rocked forward.

Now, really confused, I put it into neutral again and even more carefully into reverse. To no avail. Again, the car rocked forward. Every single gear that I put it in, reverse, first, second, third, made the car accelerate forward. My reverse gear had been eaten! [Which, I would like to point out, is a non-technical way of saying that my gearbox had obviously broken.]

At this point, C and M walked out of church, and seeing my car shift forward almost into a giant rock, motioned 'Reverse, reverse!'. Little did they know that a minute later, they'd be pushing my car sloooowly backwards, out of the parking lot, so that I could zoom off forward, ever forward!

As I was driving home, careful to stop with sufficient distance before all the stop streets and robots so as to avoid reversing, I suddenly realized what a great picture the car incident displayed of the necessity and power of community.

Sometimes, in our Christian walk, we get stuck. No matter what we do, it just seems as if we can't go anywhere. No matter how much vooma we have, the direction is all wrong. 'Stuck in a moment', as U2 sings. And it's only with the help of others that we are able to reverse/ repent/ get out of said tight spot. Without C and M, I wouldda sat there the whole morning long. There's much to be said about meeting with each other regularly, and being open and honest with our struggles, joys, and fears!

My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins. - James 5:19-20

God continues His work

TheresALotThatNeedsToBeWrittenHereBecauseIveBeenPrivilegedToHaveHadSomeReallyGoodConversationsWithPeopleInTheLastFewDaysAndWithGodAsWellAsSomeReallyIntenseThoughtSessions:

StuffAboutMyself,MyInsecurities,MyDesiresAndAmbitions,MyThoughtsAndEmotions. StuffAboutGod,AboutWhatIThinkOfHim. StuffAboutPeopleAndHowIInteractAndPerceiveThem.

RealizingAllOfThisHasBeenFruitfulButCrushingAndOverwhelmingAndThoughtProvokingAndHumbling.

At the same time, God remains to be praised:

You never abandon what You have begun. Make perfect my imperfections.
- via St_Augustine's Twitter Account

I'm not where I want to be. But, hopefully, I'm not what I used to be.

Sanctuary

Sanctuary: [...] a right to be safe from arrest in the sanctuary of a church or temple, recognized by English law from the fourth to the seventeenth century.
- Wikipedia

"The church is full of weirdos. This shouldn't surprise you. The Rotary club won't have them; the athletics club won't take them. But the church - the church takes them all in."
- Frank Retief

Even though the church no longer legally provides sanctuary, it's good to know that the body of Christ still performs a role as a place of refuge, albeit socially.

What a glorious picture of grace.

"Lie to Me"

I was introduced to the series "Lie to Me" on Friday, and proceeded to watch a number of episodes over the weekend. I tend to get obsessed with series, and this one's particularly thought-provoking. It follows the work of Dr Lightman, who's an expert in reading people through body language, especially micro-expressions. As he says: "the body never lies", and so, case after case, he's able to reveal and unravel the lies of anarchists, murderers, serial rapists, and ordinary citizens.

There was one episode that made a huge impact on me (read: mildly traumatized me). It was about a really good-looking pathological liar who'd trick girls into trusting him. He'd then blind them with acid and rape them. It didn't help my already nervous temperament that a half hour after we stopped watching (read: I actually spent half the episode under a blanket with my fingers in my ears), that the lights went out in the entire neighbourhood. Great irony in retrospect, but it wasn't so funny at the time. Thoughts run wild in the dark - so I started wondering whether I could ever trust anyone ever again. Especially if they were strangers. Good-looking ones. And male.

Fortunately, in the gentle light of the next morning, I was able to laugh a little at myself. Yet, although my slight terror had arisen from my fixation on the one extreme consequence of being lied to, the series as a whole was a sobering reminder of how our interactions daily are so entangled with minor lies and/ or major deceptions. The main message I was left with was that everyone lies - it's just that not everyone gets caught.

Furthermore, the series just confirmed what I'd experienced myself. Human relationships have ruined me. People have betrayed me, intentionally and unintentionally; and now I, like many others, hesitate before I trust someone fully. I no longer trust anyone with the simplicity that I used to when I was 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 years old etc. [In fact, I kept on mistakenly calling the series "Don't Lie to Me" - an unintentional, but revealing, indication of how I feel about lies and truth.]

What a wonderful happenstance it was to walk into church last night, while I was still pondering all these things, to hear the speaker talk about the trustworthiness of God based on Habakkuk's response in Habakkuk 3. In the face of complete poverty and hardship, Habakkuk iterates that it is in the Lord he will carry on having joy:

Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to tread on the heights. (Habakkuk 3:17-19)

How can this be? If you were in the same situation, wouldn't you think that God had betrayed you? I certainly would. I've been mad, angry, confused for less.

But Habakkuk continues to praise God because he remembers who God is, and what He is capable of

LORD, I have heard of your fame;
I stand in awe of your deeds, LORD.
Repeat them in our day,
in our time make them known;
in wrath remember mercy. (Habakkuk 3:2)

God has proven Himself over and over again to be trustworthy. Again and again, Habakkuk is reminded how God has previously rescued them from their enemies - and it is this history that comforts him in this confusing time of turmoil and troubles.

Similarly, how amazing is it for us to be able to be in a relationship with a trustworthy God - One who has proven his ultimate trustworthiness through what He has done for us through Jesus's death on the cross! Where other people might let us down/ have let us down, God will never. As Romans exhorts us to remember:

He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? Who will bring a charge against God’s elect? God is the one who justifies; who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
Just as it is written,
“FOR YOUR SAKE WE ARE BEING PUT TO DEATH ALL DAY LONG;
WE WERE CONSIDERED AS SHEEP TO BE SLAUGHTERED.”
But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:32-39)

Amen.

The Selfless Conversationalist

I quite enjoy talking about myself; not so much listening to other people. I tend to interrupt others in their train of thought, because I get impatient to share my thoughts and my ideas. I fill in other people's thoughts and words when they take too long. In short: I'm quite a selfish conversationalist.

God has recently been teaching me how to be more selfless in paying attention to others, instead of bombarding them with me, me, me. For example, I've become good friends with two stutterers, and now I really try to make an effort to not steal words and fill in gaps because for them completing a word can often be a hard-won victory. Another friend and I have been having chats about what it means to be a good conversationalist (and he's got the most phenomenal listening skills, so I reassured him that he's got the hard part of talking right - the listening) and that's been really helpful in reminding myself about what actions are beneficial and helpful in conversation with others.

But I'm not going to lie. It is heavy going being a selfless conversationalist. Listening properly - with careful attention and consideration of someone else's thoughts, engaging so that you can respond to what they're saying and not what you think they're saying - is draining. With all the effort and concentration to listen to someone properly, no wonder people don't bother doing it too often.

But doing it properly can bring such rewards to yourself and to your conversation partner, there really is no point in not working on it. And I believe that listening properly to others in a world that doesn't listen at all can be such a picture of grace :)

a word to brothers and to love

I look up to and respect the Brother like very few other men, even people. In fact, I've said to Princess S before that I will marry the guy who I respect more than my brother; that I will know this hypothetical guy is a keeper if I turn to him ultimately for help instead of my brother.

Part of the reason for my admiration is because of his love for Jesus. He's been a great witness to me and the Sister, always guiding, correcting, rebuking and looking after us. Not only this, he's a great example in his active service of others - doing thoughtful little servant-hearted things that people quite often take for granted. Jesus has completely shaped and changed his life, which is evident from the way he challenges himself and his thinking when it's not in line with the Bible's teachings.

Sure, he's got his faults. I used to tune him a when we were younger about him not listening to other people's sides of things, and not really being gracious in response to errors - he tends to be quite hard.core-. God is changing him, however, and he is also eager to grow.

You can imagine then, how shattering it would be if one of his beloved sisters were to decide to stop being a Christian. I hadn't really thought of the effect on him when I sent out an email with a link to my post entitled 24 April 2011: The night I decided not to be a Christian anymore - Part 1.

He received the email, but had to dash off without reading my post. What I will never forget, though, are his final words to me before he walked out of the door: "Grace, whatever it is you've decided; remember, I still love you."

Even though the post wasn't what he thought it would be, I was completely overwhelmed by his words of love. And then I realized this was because I'd just experienced first hand how God treats human beings and sin: to hate what we do as sinners, but to love who we are as human beings.

fruit of the Spirit: a thought on mentoring

Am I the only one who reads through the passage about the fruit of the Spirit love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control, and wonders: But what does that all mean? What does it mean to be loving? To be kind? To be gentle? To be faithful?

Theoretically, I've got it all down pat. Practically, I'm not quite sure what I'm doing.

I used to answer myself with the thought that I must be all these things like Jesus. But I soon came to realize that unlike Jesus, I can't show love by producing enough loaves to feed 5000 people, I can't die on the cross for them, I can't spend three years teaching and preaching. Sure, in some ways, I will be caring for others, telling them about cross, and sacrificially giving myself up for people, but my acts of grace, kindness, love, sacrifice, will be far smaller, simpler acts. My acts of grace, kindness, love, sacrifice will also take place in a context far from the Ancient Middle East, and this might call me to do things Jesus never did himself. After all, like Edgar Watson Howe wrote: "A boy doesn't have to go to war to be a hero; he can say he doesn't like pie when he sees there isn't enough to go around".

I further came to realize that my past life hadn't prepared me for life as a child of God. If you've spent your life following the god of the air, giving into your sinful desires and commands, to find yourself in the land of the light as a child of God is a complete surprise. How does one act then? If, for instance, you've given in to anger consistently, answering someone gently might not even enter your mind. And what would gentle look like anyway?

This is where God's people can step in to be an example or actively correct you, if needed. [Obviously, it's only God who can change you, but for the purpose of this post, I want to talk about people's responsibilities in modelling that change.]

Sometimes, I do something and people say 'Oh, that was kind' [Hooray, I say, I now have an example of what 'kind' is.] Sometime, I do something and people say 'Oh, that was harsh' [Sorry, I say, I didn't realize - and then I go ponder why it was unkind.]. Sometimes people don't say anything to me, but to each other, and from their reactions to each other I see what kind and gentle etc is.

We are not of night nor of darkness; so then let us not sleep as others do, but let us be alert and sober. For those who sleep do their sleeping at night, and those who get drunk get drunk at night. But since we are of the day, let us be sober, having put on the breastplate of faith and love, and as a helmet, the hope of salvation. For God has not destined us for wrath, but for obtaining salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died for us, so that whether we are awake or asleep, we will live together with Him. Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing.
- 1 Thessalonians 1:5-11

Thank you to those who have been modelling and correcting me :)

I am a rude BB owner

And in the spirit of taking the moral higher ground, which I do quite often, I get quite offended when other people are texting away on their cellphones in front of me, but it's all perfectly okay when I do it. In fact, I think I probably imagine I'm invisible as soon as I turn my attention to my phone - that can only be the real reason why I let myself do it, when I get so irritated when others do it to me ;)

Here's a great, thought-provoking article on how the increase of digital devices is affecting our manners and politeness: Bad Manners Masquerading as Media.

I particularly found this point about 'Digital Courage' helpful...

There are some things we do in life that are just plain difficult. They require courage; they cannot be easily avoided or delegated. A constant temptation we face, especially in an age of pervasive mediated communication, is to do in mediated form what ought to be done face to face (or to do by text message what ought to be done by phone). We can probably all think of times that we have chosen to communicate via email or text message what we should have said directly.

Ultimately, though, I'm not 100% against having cellphones kept out of conversations. Like Ecclesiastes says: There's a time and a place for everything.

Works-based Grace (me)

Lady L tells me last night that she's a bit worried - that my latest posts and emails have been sounding like 'do, do, do, do, do, do, do'. She didn't say it as such, but in a 'do, do, do, do' focus it's very easy to slip into a works-based faith.

I've been going through all of my posts in my recent label-tagging frenzy (sorry for anyone whose RSS feed went crazy), and I realize she's right.

So again, like Sophie said, I'm actually really really going to have to just chill, just love Jesus, and be strong in Him and His faithfulness and grace instead of being anxious and overthinking what I can do to deserve being His child. [not that I was consciously thinking this, but yes, in closer examination of my subconscious, I do kinda think that you must do things for people to like you.. so I might be struggling with the concept of grace. I hate it when people do things for me 'cause then I sorta feel like I need to reciprocate to the same amount to cancel out my debt to them.]

Ummm. Hmmm.

This might be harder than I thought.

Isaiah - First Study

So I finally started on Isaiah, using the study guide lent kindly to me by E.

Oh Lord. I almost wept tears all over my Bible. But I didn't. Because I'm hardcore. And I have no tear ducts. Like Chuck Norris.

2 Hear me, you heavens! Listen, earth!
For the LORD has spoken:
“I reared children and brought them up,
but they have rebelled against me.
3 The ox knows its master,
the donkey its owner’s manger,
but Israel does not know,
my people do not understand.”

- Isaiah 1:2-3

Chapter 1 is not the most fun piece of emotional literature I've ever read. I don't know if you've ever spoken to someone, and all of a sudden they just let forth a whole lot of really personal stuff, and you're drawn into empathising with them in an unbelievably vulnerable and 'real' way? Your relationship is never the same afterwards, for you understand so much more about who they are, and why they are the way they are.

Isaiah 1 has always been like that for me. In it, I feel like I really get to see a window of God's emotions and thoughts.

This is not to say that in the NT (or the rest of the Bible), you don't get glimpses of Jesus' realness - you do, e.g. when he cries over Jerusalem, and when he's praying so fiercely in the Garden to have the cup of wrath taken away from him. However, in Isaiah, you get raw chunks of intimate revelations of hurt from a Lover who desperately wants His Beloved to turn back to Him, and Someone who is moved to action to cleanse His City of the corruption that has permeated it. There's a great quote in my study book "human-centeredness has pushed God out of his own city".

But still He loves:

18 “Come now, let us settle the matter,”
says the LORD.
“Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
they shall be like wool.
19 If you are willing and obedient,
you will eat the good things of the land;
20 but if you resist and rebel,
you will be devoured by the sword.”
For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.

- Isaiah 1:18-20

Hallelujah.

Insiders/ Outsiders, Belonging, Church

The number of Bible Studies I've been to this year have been minimal so far, though I'm still a regular Sunday attender. A number of things have come up on a Thursday, cycling things (oh yes, I've started cycling - more about that later), Toastmasters (yip, joined that too this year), so last night was my second time.

It's a bit weird, being so infrequent with my .. for lack of a word... visitations. Every so often at Sunday church, I feel like everyone's growing up without me. Friendships are formed through weekly and daily experiences, and as one of the 'older' ones, bumping into people between classes, or randomly in our food mall is a rare occurrence. It makes me feel a little detached at times, but gratefully so - I feel that I've served my time in many ways and it's good to know that things are functioning fine without me and will carry on like that when I leave.

Back to last night.

We started with some shared experiences about when situation where you'd felt like an outsider. A bit ironic in light of my confession before. The experience I shared, however, was one that never left me: I went to an Afrikaans church when I was younger. I clearly didn't fit in - struggled with the language, came in shorts and T-shirts (my mom heartily tried her best with me) when all the other girls were in pretty lady-like dresses.

No-one befriended me.

I'm sure they tried, but after so many times struggling with linguistic differences, there's only so much you can do. I probably wasn't the happiest of campers then, anyway.

But last night, while we were sitting there sharing our stories, and then studying the Word together, I was reminded that this is what church is about: belonging and acceptance.

Adoption- a thought

When I grow up, I want to adopt.

There're many good reasons to that I won't go into here, but something that's particuarly pertinent to us as Christians is because we too have been adopted- into a most holy and loving Family.

"Have you always been this outgoing?"

a friend asked, the other day.

"Well, I've always loved people", I said, while struggling to think whether this was actually the case or not. I think I also said something about how I'd made an effort to work on my people skills throughout the years - but either way, that conversation died a natural death after a while.

But because I'm a slow processor, later that day, I suddenly remembered this: I'd become a Christian late in my high school career, and had become a welcomed part of the church family. But, in the years before that, in my travellings and wanderings with my family to many different types of churches, I'd rarely felt genuinely welcomed. Many a church service, my siblings and I had sat there, a bit awkwardly, while wondering what I was doing there. [I mean 'we'. They had better things to do with their time than to think about what I was doing there specifically.] And who wants to join a church where you feel like a squirrel in a group of rabbits? We never had a real desire to come back, nor a real desire to participate with whatever church group we were interacting.

After I became a Christian then, I've made a conscious decision to be friendly and welcoming to people in whatever context I find myself in. This is just made easier by the fact that I can talk a donkey out of its ears, and that I do really find people oh-so-amusing and interesting. But my resolution was (and still is) never again, as much as it was in my power to, would newcomers and people around me feel as lost/unwelcomed/unconsidered as I did.