irrational fears...

N and I, oddly enough, both starting struggling with Christianity at around roughly the same time, and for similar reasons. Well, I'm mis-representing. We both still love Jesus and convinced it's the one and only way to God... We're just a little tired.

N smses me today: "I'm scared that God will make me be in a near-fatal accident so that I have to turn/ trust in Him."

I've never told anyone before, but this is an irrational fear that's been lurking deep in the darkness. But as I'm typing, I realized something even scarier

Me: "Me too. But I'm even more scared that God doesn't do anything and I remain in this unsteady insecure state for ever..."

I can't live in this one-foot-in-the-one-camp-and-the-other-foot-dangling-who-knows-where state forever. I'm going to have to decide sooner or later; I've never been good at half-hearted attempts.

a thought on suffering...

What I don't understand about suffering is why non-Christians have to go through it. This might appear random, but it's one of those thoughts that have appeared increasingly more in my mind as I'm hugging a friend who is crying, or holding someone else's hand. How often have I not had words that comfort when asked, WHY?

We, as Christians, have hope and God and community and eternity to get us through suffering. We understand that suffering is a natural consequence of a fallen world, and we have the love of Jesus Christ to sustain us and comfort us. But where do non-Christians turn to? Yes, suffering presents moments where God calls to non-Christians that I AM LORD, but... umm... aah. I just hit the real point of my post: I think what I'm really tired of is seeing people suffer without this drawing them closer to God but further away.

it's a true word, a hopeful word

A best friend, a good friend, a sibling, a loved one is allowed to say things that other people may not, dare not. J tells me the other day that I've been moaning a lot lately. This is unusual for J - she rarely says anything that touches on the emotional. And I realize she's right. I have, because I'm struggling (with everything, it would seem). My world has shrunk to (my world), and I'm struggling to see God for the brackets around my eyes. I say, 'Sorry'. She says 'It's okay. You don't always have to be the strong, positive one.'

A best friend, a good friend, a sibling, a loved one, is allowed to hold out hope in ways that other people shy away from, are slow to. She sends me this song after:

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

- Tenth Avenue North 'You are more'

Beyond mourning

There's nothing quite like starting a morning with a memorial service.

Somewhere over the rainbow

As I'm typing this, Ingrid Michaelson's busy singing Somewhere over the rainbow, and as I listen to the words, I think back to the last time I saw a rainbow. It was a giant of a stunner, stretching from the bottom of a mountain range to end up plonk in the sea.

What a beautiful day that'd been. I'd left the house at 7:00, no easy feat in the autumn days that are slowly turning into winter. Even worse - it'd started raining just as I hopped into the car. But as I drove along the winding road that would eventually lead me alongside a beautiful beach and a wind-swept sea, the rain gradually came to a halt, and the sun peeked out its shy head. And then, right in front of me, stretched the rainbow.

I'd had to slow down, lest I accidentally crash into the truck in front of me as I looked here and there, trying to see the rainbow in all its glory. Yay for God's reminders of His goodness and faithfulness :)

Then God said to Noah and to his sons with him: "I now establish my covenant with you and with your descendants after you and with every living creature that was with you—the birds, the livestock and all the wild animals, all those that came out of the ark with you—every living creature on earth. I establish my covenant with you: Never again will all life be cut off by the waters of a flood; never again will there be a flood to destroy the earth."

And God said, "This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind.

- Genesis 9:8-15

Jesus is King

Toilet doors the world over have the unique curse of being besmirched with graffiti. Sometimes it's nonsensical sayings, sometimes heartbreaking confessions, and mostly humourous one-liners - either way I've always been surprised at the number of people who seem to be carrying permanent markers around with them.

Today, I saw a new scribble on my favourite toilet door:

Jesus
is
King.

written in thick black coki.

Over that, however, someone had taken their pen and scribbled a horizontal line through Jesus, another through King, and a vertical line through is connecting the two horizontal ones. The result: A Big Fat I covering the truth underneath it.

Somehow, the author had (unintentionally, I presume) ended up creating a striking visual representation of what sin is - it is when we do not regard Jesus as King, but intentionally and rebelliously put ourselves at the center.

I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I.

Who knew that we'd find truths on toilet doors?

*Yes. I have a favourite toilet door. I actually have a number! These are the ones that have the most interactive conversations, that develop over time.

Surprised at suffering

I've been thinking about suffering a lot lately, what with the world-at-large falling to pieces around me, my friends going through their own trials, and me mine. Just yesterday, as I was flying home after a wonderful holiday, I overheard a conversation between two ladies sitting behind me: the one was coming down from Joburg specially to visit a friend who had been rushed to hospital that morning. It seems that if you're alive, you just can't escape suffering.

It's apt then, that the following verse popped up at Bible study:

Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you.
- 1 Peter 4:12

I wonder why Peter thought to write do not be surprised to his audience. Anyone in this day and age would be well aware that no-one escapes suffering. But even in this age of interconnectedness and hyperlinkedness, we as a people, as humankind, ARE surprised.

I've reached one general conclusion: The world's natural state is NOT to be one of suffering, and we recognise this in our responses of surprise to suffering. In being surprised at suffering, we recognise that there is another ideal that we subconsciously aspire to.

I've also reached another conclusion, however. Having been a Christian for a while, and having known the above truth for a while, I still find myself angry and surprised when people I know, friends, family, loved ones, find themselves suffering. And, I've come to realize that in some ways, as a Christian, I'm more surprised than before that we do suffer. My logic is as follows:
I know the almighty, loving Creator of the universe;
I am now His Child;
Why does He let me suffer like this?

I suppose my response is a natural one - after all, aren't we more hurt when loved ones, trusted ones, close ones disappoint us or let us down? Many times we forgive strangers far more easily than those who should've known better. I suppose at the root of my response is a selfish, sinful desire that God do what I want for MY life, not what He has ordained is best. I suppose it's a comfort that the One who is letting us go through suffering is the Only One who can see what the future holds and has deemed me able to go through what I need to go through. But for now, for good reasons, and selfish, I remain to be surprised at suffering.

Loving God isn't always easy

but sometimes Pop Songs speak Truth...

Cheryl Cole's song 'Fight for this love' is currently playing on the airwaves, and every time I hear it, I am reminded that...

We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for

Not that it's meant to be a Christian song, as such. God just knows that I sometimes need to be reminded of the truth through cultural means :)

[BTB, before I looked up the lyrics, I had heard the last line quoted above as "It's like heaven; it's worth fighting for"... So actually, my version really was tailor-made for me o.O]

Future factors?

I've been thinking about my future a lot (as always), as even though I seem to know what I'm doing within the next few days/ weeks/ (sometimes) months, I don't have a five year plan. Or a two year plan. Last year's one year plan was to finish my thesis, which should be happening at the end of this year... So it means panic stations again.

Having said that, I know I'm not alone in my 'ooh, aah, future, eek, what do i do'-ness. Recently I got an email from a friend asking for advice with regards to what he should be doing in the near future, or what his gifts were so that he could use that to guide his decisions.

After much thought (okay, a few minutes), I replied:

gosh, I have no idea. But what I can say that we've been given gifts, yes, but we've also been given heart. And I think that God gives us heart (passion, drive) to help us decide what gifts we're to use for his glory.

So what do you LOVE doing?

I was reminded of this again last night, when a friend related the following scene from the movie Chariots of Fire. Eric Liddell, the main character, is a Christian athlete, and is asked in frustration by his sister when he's ever going to do something for God instead of running the whole time. He responds:

I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure.

In the film, he ends up using this passion and the opportunities it brings into his life to further God's purpose- he ends up as an Olympic athletics coach in China where he also works as a missionary.

I'm not saying we should be dictated by what we love doing - I might love playing golf, but it might be an absolutely daft thing for me to be doing if I e.g. particularly suck at it. [BTB, I dislike golf. Intensely.] However, I think there's wisdom in not only assessing what you're good at/ gifted at, but also what you enjoy doing :).

Good. Now if someone could only tell me what I should be doing!! ....

Disclaimer: Now I know this post is potentially controversial, and it won't be helpful for everyone, so use it if you like, but don't use it if you don't want to.

Fear is for those who forget who God is

1 Samuel 17:48

As the Philistine moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him.

I recently saw this verse written out and stuck up on someone's wall. It struck me - in the midst of the Israelites fear of Goliath, it was David, God's chosen one, who ran not away from battle, but towards it.

"Foolish boy", was my first thought.

"Actually, no wait" was my second. What David was doing wasn't foolish at all because he knew that God was with him and for Israel.

I'm not saying that we should run towards troubles and crises - the Bible very clearly says that we are to FLEE from all temptation etc. But I was particularly challenged by the difference that knowing God made in David's response to this situation - he had no fear because he knew God and what He was capable of.

Do we have the same attitude? Me, not really. I forget how powerful God is and end up fearing people more than I do Him. You?

Cracked glasses, no change

Some people are meant to wear glasses. They put on a pair, and immediately they becoem ever so dignified, cool, smart, intellectual. I recently met one of these people - a guy who had the coolest geek glass frames ever. Disturbingly, however, his one lense had a noticeable crack right down the middle.

I didn't know whether I should say something or not- I myself had been an owner of a pair of glasses that been cracked across the top, and over the last year or so [yes, I'm that lazy and yes, it took me that long to get new glasses] had gotten oh-so-tired of people telling me Grace! Your glasses are cracked! Did you know?!?!!

But then I thought, heck, I'm going to tell him anyway. So I did. And ironically enough, he responded in the same way that I had to everyone: "Thanks. But I can't see it when I have my glasses on, so it doesn't bother me." Hearing this come out from someone else's mouth made me pause.. Then I wondered aloud: "So, it's actually just me that's affected by it? Not you?" "Exactly", he said. "I'll get new glasses eventually, but it's no problem now."

This incident made me think about how we so easily become frustrated when people don't change after hearing the gospel. They who can't see the crack in the glasses, will see no need to change the glasses. Us who can see the crack won't understand how they can't see it and why they're so reluctant to do anything about it.

Sometimes, they do take off the glasses and see the crack for themselves. Most of the time, however, even after having warned them numerous times, they won't - and that's just something we're going to have to accept.

Adoption- a thought

When I grow up, I want to adopt.

There're many good reasons to that I won't go into here, but something that's particuarly pertinent to us as Christians is because we too have been adopted- into a most holy and loving Family.

This is for you [if your name is Goat* or Eloff*]

I don't often dedicate whole posts to people, but I thought I would today. Just because I've been thinking about hospitality recently and because today I was particuarly thinking of two people :)

So number 1: Goat*.

Goat has had to put up with so much - nonsensical SMSs, random existential crises, bad guy decisions and the consequences thereof, failed baking bread projects and mad, crazy, laughter-punctuated international phonecalls where neither of us really knew what we were talking about. Most recently, she had me stay with her for a week and a half where she played my driver and PA [which doesn't sound like much unless you know me personally and have an idea of the crazy itineraries I can come up with :)]

Her generosity and hospitality overwhelmed me, as I'm baaaaad at playing hostess and can only put up with treating people like guests for a short bit before I tell them to do what they want themselves. I'm especially amazed as I'm the morning type. And she's not. And sometimes my own chirpiness irks me in the morning, so I have no idea how it must be for others around me! But she very gamely tried to come up with complete sentence responses to my overthetopramblingseversoexcitedlyohyesisitonlynowsevenoclockinthemorningohwhoopsshallimakeyousomecoffeegoat? and more importantly, didn't behead me once! Yay for Goat and Grace...



Number 2: Eloff*

Every now and then, Eloff will get a random SMS from me going "Hey, I'm in the area, can I come over?" Fair enough, you might think. This is what friends are for, aren't they? True. I should probably tell you now that inevitably, most of the SMSs continue in this fashion: "Oh, I haven't eaten yet."/ "I'm staaarving"/ "Ummm." Eloff has very kindly let me raid his fridge every time I come over. This is why I keep on coming over. [Jokes :)]. But yay. Thanks :)
[Yes, you're right. I raided it today and that's why I'm writing this post right now.]


And to all you other wonderful people who are my friends.. thanks :)


G

*For privacy's sake, the names of the people concerned have been changed.

Art, Jesus and Me

So. I write. And people tell me I write nice. Creatively, that is. And that I must continue.

Me, I'm not too convinced. You see, I live life pretty intensely, and while this is a wonderful thing when I am happy (which I am the majority of the time), it is a most dark thing when I am down. My highs are HIGH
and my lows are
LOW.

Existential Crisis Number 1: The Angst of an Artistic Approach

Writing intensified these extremes even more, because listening to other people's stories and creating of my own induced in me so much Mitgefuhl and despair at hearing the stories of the lost,broken and hurt in the world that after a while I decided to stop producing anything of my own. (Not in terms of this blog, but in other things).

Enter Existential Crisis Number 2: The Crisis of a Creative not Creating.

Sigh.

I certainly can't win: Even more angst followed when I stopped creating. I needed some sort of outlet, and I was holding myself in very, very tightly.

"What do I do?", I asked a fellow Christian Creative a few days ago. "I can't bear to create 'cause I feel so much of everyone else's suffering! But then I feel this need in me to create something!!" [I'm dramatic. If you haven't noticed by now.]

"Grace", she said sweetly, "don't take this the wrong way, but no matter how much you feel you're suffering when you're creating, Jesus suffered so much more for us. And He gave you the gift of writing and creating, so just do."

Amen.

Existential Crises: Pretty Much Over.

"Have you always been this outgoing?"

a friend asked, the other day.

"Well, I've always loved people", I said, while struggling to think whether this was actually the case or not. I think I also said something about how I'd made an effort to work on my people skills throughout the years - but either way, that conversation died a natural death after a while.

But because I'm a slow processor, later that day, I suddenly remembered this: I'd become a Christian late in my high school career, and had become a welcomed part of the church family. But, in the years before that, in my travellings and wanderings with my family to many different types of churches, I'd rarely felt genuinely welcomed. Many a church service, my siblings and I had sat there, a bit awkwardly, while wondering what I was doing there. [I mean 'we'. They had better things to do with their time than to think about what I was doing there specifically.] And who wants to join a church where you feel like a squirrel in a group of rabbits? We never had a real desire to come back, nor a real desire to participate with whatever church group we were interacting.

After I became a Christian then, I've made a conscious decision to be friendly and welcoming to people in whatever context I find myself in. This is just made easier by the fact that I can talk a donkey out of its ears, and that I do really find people oh-so-amusing and interesting. But my resolution was (and still is) never again, as much as it was in my power to, would newcomers and people around me feel as lost/unwelcomed/unconsidered as I did.

Sleepy time, wakey time

I sleep. A lot. One of my favourite things to do in the world. However, because I sleep a lot, I'm not always too stoked about having to factor in so much 'dead' time. How much more could I do with my life with so many more hours!!

True that.

But as I was driving home last night, listening to Sia Furler's Soon we'll be found, I was suddenly reminded of another beautiful reason why God in His graciousness has created us to be sleeping beings:

Come along, it is the break of day
Surely now, you’ll have some things to say
It’s not the time for telling tales on me

So come along, it won't be long
‘Til we return happy
Shut your eyes, there are no lies
In this world we call sleep
Let’s desert this day of hurt
Tomorrow we’ll be free

Let’s not fight, I’m tired - Can’t we just sleep tonight
Turn away, it’s just there’s nothing left here to say
Turn around, I know we’re lost but soon we’ll be found

On waking up after sleeping, I always feel as though the day's been given to me as a fresh start, as if I've been given a second chance. The hurts, mistakes, and errors from the previous day seem to, just like in the song, be something of the past, something that might still be a painful factor, but not half as powerful and potent as the day before. Now, imagine a sinful world like ours, free of any opportunities to start again, free of any opportunities to (in some way) wipe the slate free and try once more...

PS previous post on why we sleep: Talking about Sleepy Time

Happy Valentine's Day to me :)

So The Brother had told me about this band last year that I HAD to go listen to, and seeing as he doesn't often rave about local bands, I was intrigued. Then we found out that they were having a select pre-CD launch gig on 14 February, and he'd get arrange for five tickets, so that I could invite someone, and that he could invite two. Who else to invite than Princess Sarah? We decided to all meet up at church and head to the concert all together.

There'd been Miscommunications. But this only became clear on the evening. Princess Sarah arrived at church with her Lovely Joe who she thought she'd mentioned would be down here this weekend. I'd misunderstood completely, and thought he wasn't coming down at all. Oh dear. Scanning through the options, I decided to tell her to take my ticket for him, 'cause it would be easier for me to hang around church afterwards with all the other friends (whereas poor Joe would be kinda homeless as he'd driven through with Sarah), and it'd be lovely for them to be able to spend time together. [I'm sounding rather blase about me having to give my ticket away, but I wasn't as unaffected as I sound. I was quite disappointed 'cause I'd been really looking forward to finally spending time with Princess, and was quite curious about the band.]

Anyway. At least I'd come to a solution. I go inside, and head to the back of the church where The Brother is sorting out power point slides. Explaining that he's to give the extra ticket to Joe, I did not expect what he said next. "No, you go. Take my ticket."

My heart is undone by human kindness, and it broke a little (in the best way) at my brother's generosity. He'd really been amped to see them play, and he was the driving force behind us going to see them. Now, here he was, giving his ticket away to me. "Are you sure?" I asked. "Yeah, no sure. You go watch them, I've seen them before."

Wow.

And the most wonderful thing is, as I was singing with the congregation during the service, I realized again that my brother isn't just generous 'cause he was born like that. He has become like that because of his love for and obedience to Christ. Having said that, he makes being generous seem really easy in a way that is so encouraging.

Happy Valentine's to me. My brother is the coolest guy I know.

When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of glory died,
My richest gain I count but loss,
And pour contempt on all my pride.

See from His head, His hands, His feet,
Sorrow and love flow mingled down:
Did e’er such love and sorrow meet,
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?

Oh the wonderful Cross, oh the wonderful Cross
Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live
Oh the wonderful Cross, oh the wonderful Cross
All who gather here by grace draw near
And bless Your name

Were the whole realm of Nature mine,
That were an offering far too small;
Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my soul, my life, my all!


PS I include the above, because that was the last song of the evening.
PPS When we finally got there and set up blankets and pillows on the venue floor (lovely, hey:) ), another friend mentioned that his one friend wasn't coming through anymore, and he'd just told my Brother to come get that ticket. So he got to come after all :) God is generous like that too.

I am happy as a pig stuck in mud at Bible Study

So this year, I decided not to lead Bible study. "Good", I thought. "I'll get a bit of a break.""Not so good", whispered my conscience. "You know that in the past you were under-stimulated and thus got highly distracting in bible studies."

So it was with a little bit of trepidation that I decided to join a Bible study group that was led with two good friends of mine. But last night, I realized it's going to be a WONDERFUL year of growth and learning!

Why? Well. Apart from the two leaders, there are only TWO members! (Actually three, but the one's going to England soon to have her baby there). And so, we have time to work through the passage thoroughly, and also to nut out practical applications. And because we all know each other quite well, it's a very comfortable environment within which to share and encourage and rebuke, if necessary.

Another lovely thing is that because all of us in the group have at one time or another led a group, it's also easier for the leader to lead, because our levels of exposure to the Bible are quite similar - we've all been Christians for a while, and there aren't any new family members etc in our group (which isn't a bad thing, it's just an easier thing in terms of practicalities: there aren't different levels of exposure to the bible in the group). And it's not really that we're being taught by one leader- it's that we're all teaching and leading under the facilitation of one.

So many 'ands'. This is a good thing :) Yay, my heart is happy. It's going to be a great year!

Social reform or word ministry? A thought [yes, just one]

Something I've been worrying about in the last few months is how I ought to choose the projects that I spend my time on. The difficulty comes in choosing between projects which focus on social reform or projects which are word ministries, e.g. Habitat for Humanity versus serving as a Bible Study leader at church.

Not that there is a real divide between things. On one hand, everything we do as Christians is ministry. On another, as people hear the gospel, they are (socially) reformed.

But my concern was about discerning where I'd be most effective. I've been told before that I have gifts that should be used in word ministry. Having dropped nearly all the ministries I was involved with this year, I started doubting if this had been a wise choice. Surely, the only true lasting change one can effect on this earth is to be a part of leading someone to Christ?

So, at this point in time where I find myself with two big social reform projects for the year, I feel slightly guilty. [okay, I know that the phrases 'word ministry' and 'social reform' have been repeated ad nauseum to this point, but I can't think of other ways to describe them.]

Am I doing the wrong thing? Am I 'wasting' my time and gifts? Should I rather drop these projects and go back to my ministries? I wasn't sure, because I believe that God uses our gifts, likes, preferences, passions to guide us in the ministries we should be involved in, and my heart is definitely for projects that focussed more on social reform.

Worried, I talked to Princess Sarah about this, and then she said the most illuminating thing that has eased my guilt-flecked conscience: that knowing Jesus has resulted in my love and passion for people and social reform. If it is Him that has brought about this change, then I should not worry about whether I'm doing the 'right' thing or not.

A little bit of a (sad) confession:

I decided a long time ago to never invite my non-Christian friends to my Christian friends' parties. Instead, I try spend one-on-one time with them, or tag along to their parties.

This isn't a hard and fast rule, but generally, if there's an open invite, I pitch up alone. For one, this allows me to meet and speak to the strangers and friends-of-friends that come along, but for another it's because I've learnt that most people don't really make the effort to get to know my people. [I'm not saying that no-one makes effort. I recognise that at these types of parties there are tons of people around, and that you can't always get through to everyone - I have just observed in the past that we could all do better at meeting others, and developing those friendships.]

Anyway, last night, friends of ours had an open-invite house party, so I pitched up, started chatting, eating other people's chips, you know. The Sister comes in a bit later with some of her non-Christian friends. They stay for a little bit, and then leave. "Did they enjoy it?", I ask her this morning. "No one really made effort with them", she responds, so I was a bit sad."

That too makes me very very sad.

Kings and queens of promise

I don't often do this, but this song's just been running through my head with its intense lyrics speaking of brokenness and futility:

"We were the kings and queens of promise
We were the victims of ourselves
Maybe the children of a lesser God
Between heaven and hell".

Don't get me wrong, this is not a Christian band. [The bit I quoted now makes it seem so, does it not?] It's just a great song, holding so much of the world's pain in it.

I present to you Thirty Seconds to Mars: 'Kings and Queens'

Talking about Sleepy Time

I just read the most interesting post on Why we need sleep and yet don't want it.

The crux of the matter is:

We don’t like sleep because sleep is an admission that we aren’t in control. It’s a physical expression of our spiritual need to lay down and rest in the arms of One who is sovereign and never sleeps.

I think it's time for me to go rest now, so you read the complete post here at Life2getherblog.com

The Year of Manning Up: NOT Taking Responsiblity

On the other hand, leadership/manning up also involves NOT taking responsibility for certain things. How is anyone going to learn if you keep on doing everything for them? How are people going to be grown, stretched, developed, if you don't allow them opportunities to fall, mess up, fail?

So what does this mean? This means, for one, that I have to stop acting like everyone's functional Saviour. This means that I need to stop doing everything for everyone. This means that whenever someone phones and needs me, it won't always be the best thing for me to drop what I'm doing to be with them. This is not to say that I shouldn't be dependable, but it is to say that I shouldn't be their one and only.

Not being everyone's functional Saviour also means acknowledging that I too need help. Kirsty recently told us how she and her husband had gone to a friend's house for supper, along with a whole bunch of other people. Being the lovely people they are, they offered to help with the dishes, only to have Lisa [I forget her real name, so this will have to suffice], the woman of the house say, 'No, no, don't worry about that, I'll do it tomorrow morning.'

The next Sunday, Tom [being the equal opportunities activist I am, I've also forgotten his real name], the man of the house, came over and said: "I have Lisa's permission to tell you that she's sorry for not letting you help her wash the dishes, and for allowing you to create this over-idealistic picture of her as the perfect woman. She likes people to think that she's capable of doing everything: for looking after the house perfectly, running around after our children, looking after me, helping with my ministries, but she's not. She can't do it all, and next time you're more than welcome to help with the dishes."

This post seems to have morphed from being about NOT taking responsibility into functional Saviourship, but I suppose that if we look at Christ's example, even though he was the Saviour, the Perfect One, He was never a functional Saviour. Look at the way He was with His disciples: there were no magical shortcuts between towns and villages- those disciples trudged the full distance following Jesus. Yet, the disciples undoubtedly learnt so much from him

So it appears then, that in manning up, I'm going to have to walk a fine line between too much responsibility and too little. Hope this made sense.. my head hurts. Sleepy time..

PS I picked up the term 'functional Saviour' from somewhere, so I hope I'm using it correctly...!!!

The Year of Manning Up: Taking Responsibility

In my previous post, I introduced my new year to y'all. Some of you reading might have wondered: "so what? I'm not in any leadership positions. It's always nice reading about Grace's life [why, thanks, guys], but that post didn't really have anything to do with me".

Think again. Obviously I can't tell you what to do in your own life, but here are two examples of things I can 'man up' to. Hopefully that'll spark some thoughts...

1)How we train and model lives to our younger siblings-in-Christ. [See Titus 2]. [See also: Relationships with my sisters-in-Christ.] Leading is more than being. Leading is being actively involved, training, inspiring, explaining to others who are being led. I've come to the conclusion that although placed in many leadership positions over the years, my leadership has been a very passive sort- by just being, I thought my example would be enough. But it's not. An oak tree has no impact on your life by just being on top of a mountain - it must come and plant itself in your garden. In the same way, I have re-assessed my relationships with many in the church, and realized that I have not become involved enough. This is not to say that I need to be responsible for everyone - it means that when I do choose to be responsible for some sort of leadership, that I must engage with it thoroughly.

2)I have this tendency to talk about my life as if it's not under control. 'Oh my word, it's been such a crazy week, with so much to do.' I seem to blame this crazy incomprehensible thing called 'life' for the madness of my existence. Silly. I need to take responsibility for my decisions- after all, I take the call to do something or not. This is just a minor example of me not taking responsibility for things that I have chosen to take responsibility for.

Oooh.. but now it seems as if I have an over-inflated sense of responsibility... Is Grace going to go around feeling guilty about everything/everyone she comes into contact with?

No. 'Cause part of manning up/ being a leader means NOT taking responsibility at times...

2010: The Year of Manning Up

Since 2008, I've given every year a title. Nothing too serious - just something that gives my year a bit of focus and drive.

2008 was the Year of Discovering What I Wanted to Do with English. That meant that I took on opportunities that I thought would be a natural lead-on from studying English, such as tutoring, working at the Writing Lab, creative writing.

2009 was the Year of Social Involvement, which meant that I joined Night Shelter Bible study for the whole year, got involved with Habitat for Humanity. Halfway during the year, it transformed into the Year of Near-Burnout.

This year, I've realized, is The Year of Manning Up. No, no, this doesn't mean that I'm going to be learning how to spit the furthest, or grow hair on my chest, or punch people really hard [I can already do this last thing quite well, mind you]. What I mean by 'manning up' is simply this: to take responsibility for the things that you are responsible for. And that's something we should all be doing, regardless of whether we are males or females.

So what does this mean for me? I've been recently placed into a really cool leadership position- cool enough to make me have an existential crisis about my leadership style and skills. [BTB, any regular reader of my blog will know by know that I quite enjoy the odd existential crisis here and there, so no biggie. I quite enjoy them 'cause I get to learn a lot from them :) And get to freak out dramatically ::))].

Anyway, upon reflection, I've realized that many people have also just assumed I'm a leader type because I keep on placed in leadership positions, and so keep on placing me in more leadership positions. [As my one friend put it, I'm a leader, 'cause I'm loud!]. Hence, a cycle develops, and poor Grace is left in this washing machine, not quite sure of what she's supposed to be doing as a so-called leader. I also try shirk responsibility a lot of the time. [Many of you reading this won't believe me, but it's true.]

This year, it's time to assess what I'm supposed to be doing in my various positions, and to be taking responsibility for my team/s. Hmm. Yes, let's see how this spans out :)

The S word: Submission.... of a sibling sort

The other day, friends and I were sitting at good ol' Maccy D's, when I excitedly shared my goals for the year: 1) to go to a Kurt Darren concert, and 2) to attend a weekend trance party.

"No ways are you going to a weekend trance party", said the Brother firmly, quelling any possible objections from me with a glance. "You are not going, and that's that."

Seeing as I'm not 5 anymore, I don't take too kindly to being told what to do. My hackles especially rise when I'm being told exactly what it is I need to do, instead of having it sugarcoated in friendly suggestions.

So what did I do? Throw my ice-cream in his face (impossible, as I wasn't eating any ice-cream)? Throw a wobbly right there and then, and ask him how dare he treat me like a baby? None of the above, actually.

The Brother gets away with what many of my friends (male or female) don't get away with: telling me what to do. And when he speaks, I do what I don't often do with other people's advice: I take it. My friends have often been surprised at the way the Sister and I 'obey' my brother's orders, but it's really simple, actually:

My brother has proven over again and again, to me and the Younger Sister, that when he tells us to do something (or rather, in my case, not to do something) that he isn't doing it just because he's a spoilsort- it's because he thought through the implications of our decisions, and consequences thereof more thoroughly than we have. Of all the people who come in and out of our lives, it is him who has consistently shown that he wants only the best for us, and that is why we listen. [Most of the time.]

Understanding this has really made me reconsider my inner-feminist's throw-up reaction to the word 'submission' in the context of marriage. After all, don't we submit to other authorities in other fields of life every day: our business leaders/ study leaders/ bosses?

[insert your own cool closing remark here.]

hope/Hope

There's a lot of things I hope for one day: I hope to be happy, I hope to travel, I hope to walk through Siberian fog one day [I'm not joking here; I've wanted to do this ever since I read ... umm... let me get back to you on that one], I hope to end up in deepest darkest Africa and turn on a light switch there.. :). There are many things I'd love to see happen one day, but I don't know if I ever will. During the last two years, I'd especially hoped to see someone I loved as a best friend come to know Jesus, but they didn't, and now our lives are walked on different paths. Anger, frustration and bitterness set in, which I'm still processing now slowly. Why were they brought into my life, and why did they become such a big part of it, if it was only to taunt me, was my thinking, I suppose.

Without knowing it, little by little, my big Hope, the sure and certain truth that because of Jesus I would one day live eternally with God, was being chipped away by the emotions surrounding a little hope, a wish. And I've used a little h and a big H for a reason: the Bible does not talk about our Hope in Jesus in the same way that we speak about our hopes and dreams like I just did: It speaks about this Hope as a given, a definite, an 'of course':
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

It's been very helpful for me to relearn this difference, and so this is why I've written this post. But I also write this, because I have a feeling you might still read my blog every now and then. Hello. :). I miss you. I hope you're well.

Me, me, me, me, ministry : update

I've been thinking about my ministry involvement a lot in the past half-year, especially after my near-bout of burn-out. I've been pretty much involved with most church ministries at one point or another the last few years, and so, as BO (burn-out, not body odour, silly) hit me, I was forced to reflect on the real reason why I was so involved. Was it really 'cause I was wanting to serve the church, or was it just because I'm one of those types that likes helping out/ not being served? [Seriously, I once walked into a restaurant and absentmindedly flipped through the reservation book and would have seated myself if the maitre'd hadn't stopped me!][I think my thinking behind it was that I'd save him some time by doing it myself][Who knows?!!?!?]

As a result, I decided to give up nearly all my ministries, firstly so that I could have a break and allow other people to serve [yes, you reading this, step up to the plate!], and secondly so that I could work on my relationship with God personally, instead of it being mediated by things done for the church. I decided to commit to only music ministry, as I love playing the ol' banjo (I don't really play the ol' banjo; one of my friends just calls it that, and I think it's awesome].

I also knew, though I didn't acknowledge that to myself, that it would be the easiest way out. No real work. I pitch up, play a few tunes, stand on stage looking muso, and then that's done. But I still look involved, 'cause it's a high-profile ministry (in that, we're obviously visible on stage). Easy kapeasy.

God wasn't having any of that. And He has been gently reminding me that I have gifts that I could use more effectively in the service of the church body (a banjo is a nice-to-have, not a need-to-have), and so, I resigned yesterday so that I can focus on a word-teaching ministry for the year.

To be honest, I'm quite stoked. Sure, I'm going to miss playing with the bands, but at the same time, I've played most mornings and evenings for the last five years. This way I get to sit in the congregation and get to learn the words (and sing!) [I don't know as many titles of the songs as I should... people sometimes have to hum the tune so that I can figure out what they're talking about!]. It also frees me up to welcome newcomers who have the misfortune of sitting next to me, as with music ministry I was always stuck up on stage :)

So yeah, this is me me me me me and ministry for now :)

Fireproof

No, no, no, don't get excited. This isn't really a post about the movie- I haven't watched it and don't intend to any time soon. I just wanted to share with you a quote that Princess Sarah gave to me from the movie:

Don't follow your heart; lead it.

holiday snapshots from a f/Family album

Christmas

Eight children, seven adults, and one granny seated around a table piled high with food. We were three families if you looked at it according to the three key figures: my dad and two of his sisters. We were five families if you counted the number of couples there (two of my cousins had brought their husbands with). But most importantly, we were one family, for even though it had only been five days since my family had landed, it was clear that we all fit together and were accepted despite our idiosyncrasies, eccentricities, differences, similarities.

Halfway during supper, while chatting and laughing with my brother and sister and five of our favourite cousins, I suddenly felt a pang of nostalgia for something I'd never missed at home: the feeling of belonging to something more than just us five. I never missed it though, because I never got to experience family in its broadest, most encompassing sense, in a country where I lived with only my mother, father, brother and sister. It was only every five years when we returned to the Motherland, that we suddenly slotted into a wider picture of cousins, in-laws, uncles, aunts, extensions. And the older I get, the more I appreciate how wonderful the concept of family is - no matter that we have never watched them grow up, and they have no idea what our daily lives exist of - we are family, and that is all that matters. To be greeted with such affection and to be cared for with true emotion by people who, for all intents and purposes, are almost-strangers to us, is the most wonderful feeling in the world.

The New Year
We decided to attend my father's friend's church for the New Year's service. Feeling a bit spare, I watched the members of the church interact with each other. And slowly I started recognising little signs that made it clear that this too was a family: the genuine smiles that members greeted each other with, the care with which a man with muscular degenerative disorder was treated as he struggled down the church aisle, the powerpoint slide of key events that had happened in the year-that-was that was greeted with chuckles at the comical moments caught on camera... This was a church that knew each other and loved each other.

Another precious sight: during communion, one of the elders standing behind the bread dish, suddenly came forward towards the line of church members. Intrigued by this, I glanced forward to see the dignified old man dressed formally in a suit and tie, picking up a piece of bread to place it into the mouth of the man with muscular degenerative disorder. They then proceeded to walk, the old man in a stately manner next to a man who flip-flopped-jerked-in-one-direction-and-then-another because of the failure of his muscles, to the wine glasses. The elder then picked up a tiny tot glass and poured the contents into the man's open mouth, wiping his mouth clean gently with a tissue. This, I realized, was a true picture of the beauty of the church. And afterwards, as my family awkwardly stood up after my father's friend announced that we were visiting from Africa, to have the entire church sing to us a song of greeting, I felt a wave of welcome that only family can offer.

Home
As the plane started its descent into our home airport, I started to feel its presence: the tension that I'd been blessedly free of the whole time we'd been overseas. It wasn't as bad as before I'd left - a few weeks of not being attached to a computer or a phone, and just being told by my parents what to do and where to go, and sleeping and eating plenty, and of course, the thrill of travelling, had made my exhaustion from last year almost completely disappear. But as if the exhaustion had been left behind as a shadow caught in the African sun, I could feel it creeping over me again as I started thinking about all the things I had to do, the people I had to see, the decisions that had to be made..

Praise God, then, that I was given the opportunity to stay at a friend's place near the sea for a few days after I got back, for rest and restoration was just what I needed, and this was just what God provided through my friend. I was the most spoilt guest ever - my host talked to me when I wanted someone to talk to, ignored me when I wanted some quiet, and did all the cooking and washing up. And at some point during the week, I sat on his couch, watching the sea below, and thought back to the snapshot of the elder looking after his charge. It was then that it became clearer that I identified myself almost-always as the elder. But as my friend allowed me to take a proper break by serving me graciously and kindly, and by thinking back to other snapshots which had captured the love shown to me by Family, I realized that I too was the crippled one, the one who could barely move without looking like an oddity, the one who was unable to participate in the body of Christ without help. But, I have also realized that because of the love of Christ and his body, my shortcomings and failures are nothing at all.