in sickness or health...

Since second year at varsity, I've fallen prone to illness a number of times. In fact, in my second year and third year, I had sinusitis about 6/7 times each year (and each time I had to take antibiotics).

I finally figured out it's the dairy that's causing many of such issues, so now Life 2.0 is going a bit better. I still get ill quite regularly though.

In short, as one of my guy friends so earnestly remarked: "It's a good thing you're not living in the wild, 'cause otherwise you'd be dead by now. Survival of the fittest, you know?"

And this constant battle with my health has taken a toll that I didn't fully realize till tonight.

As I was sitting with the usual (headache, dripping nose, dripping post nasal drip, pressure in ears : the joys of sinusitis), waiting for prayer meeting to begin, I wondered why I never brought up my health as something to pray about it. Part of it was that I'm sick so frequently, it'd be a bit of schlep, but more importantly, I realized that although I have no doubt that God has the power to assure my eternal salvation, I'm actually not convinced about His being able to bring my physical body healing. When I get better, it's not 'cause I believe God has healed me, but rather the inevitable progress of the happy little fighter cells in my body.

But no, I told myself, I know that God has enough power! Jesus so clearly demonstrated this in the gospels, where he is shown to have power over illness, death, the elements, and people and spirits.

Then I realized that there's another level of disappointment within me: I feel now as though being sick is inevitable, and it's crippled my heart to the point where I don't think God cares enough to heal my physical being: That eternal life is enough, and so I should be satisfied with that. That I can't ask for more. That even if I were to, He'd say no.

What a feeble, sad, half-God I'm serving in my head, one that is clearly at odds with the loving, omnipotent Father in the Bible.

“Lord, to whom shall we go?"

I've come to realize more and more that there is no-one apart from Jesus Christ.

In my despair, in my fear, in my hopelessness it is to Jesus I cling, desperately reminding myself and the emotion that tries to sinfully wrest me away from Him that there is no-one else who can compare.

Sometimes I do not follow Him willing. Quite often, my sinful self wants to rebel. More often than not, I do. But I cannot turn away completely - because I am helpless without Him.

I cannot turn away - because He is all I have.

I cannot turn away - because without Him, I am nothing.

Why?

Simon Peter says it best.

From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.

“You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.

Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.”

- John 6:66-69

Works-based Grace (me)

Lady L tells me last night that she's a bit worried - that my latest posts and emails have been sounding like 'do, do, do, do, do, do, do'. She didn't say it as such, but in a 'do, do, do, do' focus it's very easy to slip into a works-based faith.

I've been going through all of my posts in my recent label-tagging frenzy (sorry for anyone whose RSS feed went crazy), and I realize she's right.

So again, like Sophie said, I'm actually really really going to have to just chill, just love Jesus, and be strong in Him and His faithfulness and grace instead of being anxious and overthinking what I can do to deserve being His child. [not that I was consciously thinking this, but yes, in closer examination of my subconscious, I do kinda think that you must do things for people to like you.. so I might be struggling with the concept of grace. I hate it when people do things for me 'cause then I sorta feel like I need to reciprocate to the same amount to cancel out my debt to them.]

Ummm. Hmmm.

This might be harder than I thought.

24 April 2011: The night I decided not to be a Christian anymore - Part 2

I'd never seriously contemplated giving up - I'm no quitter. Especially if someone tells me I can't do something. But something was saying in me, Walk away, you are not good enough, you can't ever please God, you're going to carry on hurting Him, and carry on failing. You're an adultress, an idolater. Against that, another voice was whispering, quieter, stiller, weaker, Just hold on, don't believe the lies, God's grace is sufficient for you. Don't listen to the lies. Hold on.

The song ended, and I left the hall with everyone else. I wanted to tell someone, anyone, and ask them to pray with me, but at the same time, I suddenly realized that this was a battle I had to fight for myself. I felt like Jacob, wrestling with the Lord in the middle of the night. No-one else could be Jacob in my place.

It was a long night in many ways, but a good one. As I sat by the window, looking out at the lights sparkling in the city, I realized two very big things:

1). One of the biggest problems illuminated by this situation was that I make everything about myself. I felt unable to trust my own faithfulness, unable to trust in my own my own power in keeping focused on God. Meanwhile, it's only through God's power that I have come to know Him, and only through His power I will remain in Him. He is the one who provides the power with which I live daily for His glory. No matter how much I mess up, it's not up to me to call the shots - the only one who can ever tell me to quit is God. And He never will.

2). I had cheapened grace. My eyes had turned inwards, towards my sinfulness, away from Jesus and His sacrifice in making me white like bleach before Him. Yes, there are very few human partners who are able to deal with unfaithfulness, but our God is a loving and compassionate God, slow to anger. He is bigger than anything I can thow at Him, and His love for me through Jesus surpasses any of my iniquities, future, past and present.

The decision to walk away from God, as short as it had lasted in 5 minutes, was the best thing that could've happened to me. It's not something that would've worked so well for everyone as a shock into thinking and assessing their lifestyles, but it really opened my eyes to my tiredness of living a half-and-half life. I have realized that as much as I felt that I wanted to live a life without God, I cannot. He is all I have, and all I am. I also was rudely awakened into how at my utmost core, my foundational understandings were shaky, and how I had lost the plot a little.

So, where to now? What have I taken from my experience of seeing a future without God?

If anything, I have a renewed conviction that I must carry on as a Christian, but with a much realistic assessment of my struggles and the temptations I face. I am not completely re-energized - in fact, my sinful desires still have a firm grasp on me, and I am far more drained emotionally after this camp than encouraged. But I feel like I have finally looked at myself in the mirror - it's ugly, but at least now I know what I am dealing with. There are many things I need to work through. And no, I will not be sinfree and faithful the whole time, but God will do immeasurably more than I ask, and He is bigger than I've ever dreamt Him to be. And that is more than sufficient for me.

So, I carry on. Trusting, one step at a time, one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. Back to reading His Word and praying. Back to trying. I'm tired of having a non-relationship relationship with the God of the Universe. It's time for the real thing.

Dear God

Dear God

Thank you for being patient and for giving us another day in which we can tell others about you. Thank you that you have given us another day to learn what it means to be your child and to walk in faith. However, there are many things we still struggle with (me especially). I'm struggling to see why you can't just make everyone I love a part of your family RIGHT NOW, 'cause Father, I know you can if you want to. But you know what, with you it's more than just a case of 'if you want to'. 'Cause if my heart is breaking to see how confused and alone some of my loved ones are, how much more compassion do you feel for a whole earth of your creations. You know far more than me when it comes to these matters.

So, Father, instead I pray for more patience on my part and trust and willingness to be obedience. I also pray for more patience on your part, and for mercy. Father, I know there is nothing I can do to twist your arm, but I also know that you hear my prayers and know my heart, so please have mercy on my friends and family that don't know you yet.

In Jesus' name,

Amen.

A N Wilson - return to faith?

Here's an article written by an "ex-atheist", a friend of mine passed along. It makes for an interesting read "from the other side" and he presents some intriguing insights and points. Very well-written and humourous as well :). I don't think the reasons he presents would convince every atheist, but I'm including this here, cause it's another prime example of God working to melt our stubborn, hard hearts:

http://www.newstatesman.com/religion/2009/04/conversion-experience-atheism

Facts versus feelings?

I think as a more rational person (as opposed to a more feeling-based person), I tend to ignore my feelings sometimes as they seem irrational. That's why the following two sentences were of such interest to me, as they place feelings as not-separate from facts:

"Faith follows facts. Feelings follow faith."

Faith is..

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1)

Faith is, in the end, a kind of homesickness - for a home we have never visited but have never once stopped longing for. (Philip Yancey, Disappointment with God, 1988:276)

Interesting.

Change, change, change

Sometimes I really get frustrated with people who aren't showing any signs of being convicted by the gospel of Jesus and who aren't changing in ways that my eyes can perceive. Then I was reminded of two awesome ...umm, for lack of a better word... reminders.
[I don't know who to reference for these - I stole them from a friend's Facebook note :)]

1. Give people time to change
I think there are some tensions and questions here, but we need to give people time to change. How long did it take for you to become perfectly like Jesus? Of course, you’re still changing. There are some sins we’re prepared to work on over a lifetime, but there are others where we demand instant change. Why is this? The answer, of course, is that we want them to become respectable. We don’t want a messy community. So we say, ‘You’re saved by faith, but to become part of the church (e.g. to be baptised) you need to change your life.’ So which is it? Are we saved by works or are we saved by works?

2. Focus on the heart
What’s your agenda for change? All too often we focus on behaviour. We can list the behaviours we would like someone to stop or start. But Jesus says our behaviour comes from the heart (Mark 7:20-23). Our focus needs to be on the heart. Our job is to help people love God and treasure Christ. In Philippians 1 Paul says the aim of his ministry among them is their joy (1:25-26). He wants them to find joy in Christ – only then will people turn from the pleasures of sin. I do need to describe a life that pleases God. But my job is not to go round telling people to reform their lives or change their behaviour. My job is help people find joy in Christ.

Bearing fruit

I read Jude the other day, and something that really struck me is this description of ungodly men:

They are like “autumn trees, without fruit, and uprooted- TWICE dead. (Jude 12)

Not only are they dead when they are uprooted, but they are also dead if they do not bear fruit!

I think it was reading that that the main point of James suddenly struck home – that faith without works is dead.

So think upon that, dear friends.