in sickness or health...

Since second year at varsity, I've fallen prone to illness a number of times. In fact, in my second year and third year, I had sinusitis about 6/7 times each year (and each time I had to take antibiotics).

I finally figured out it's the dairy that's causing many of such issues, so now Life 2.0 is going a bit better. I still get ill quite regularly though.

In short, as one of my guy friends so earnestly remarked: "It's a good thing you're not living in the wild, 'cause otherwise you'd be dead by now. Survival of the fittest, you know?"

And this constant battle with my health has taken a toll that I didn't fully realize till tonight.

As I was sitting with the usual (headache, dripping nose, dripping post nasal drip, pressure in ears : the joys of sinusitis), waiting for prayer meeting to begin, I wondered why I never brought up my health as something to pray about it. Part of it was that I'm sick so frequently, it'd be a bit of schlep, but more importantly, I realized that although I have no doubt that God has the power to assure my eternal salvation, I'm actually not convinced about His being able to bring my physical body healing. When I get better, it's not 'cause I believe God has healed me, but rather the inevitable progress of the happy little fighter cells in my body.

But no, I told myself, I know that God has enough power! Jesus so clearly demonstrated this in the gospels, where he is shown to have power over illness, death, the elements, and people and spirits.

Then I realized that there's another level of disappointment within me: I feel now as though being sick is inevitable, and it's crippled my heart to the point where I don't think God cares enough to heal my physical being: That eternal life is enough, and so I should be satisfied with that. That I can't ask for more. That even if I were to, He'd say no.

What a feeble, sad, half-God I'm serving in my head, one that is clearly at odds with the loving, omnipotent Father in the Bible.