"Lie to Me"

I was introduced to the series "Lie to Me" on Friday, and proceeded to watch a number of episodes over the weekend. I tend to get obsessed with series, and this one's particularly thought-provoking. It follows the work of Dr Lightman, who's an expert in reading people through body language, especially micro-expressions. As he says: "the body never lies", and so, case after case, he's able to reveal and unravel the lies of anarchists, murderers, serial rapists, and ordinary citizens.

There was one episode that made a huge impact on me (read: mildly traumatized me). It was about a really good-looking pathological liar who'd trick girls into trusting him. He'd then blind them with acid and rape them. It didn't help my already nervous temperament that a half hour after we stopped watching (read: I actually spent half the episode under a blanket with my fingers in my ears), that the lights went out in the entire neighbourhood. Great irony in retrospect, but it wasn't so funny at the time. Thoughts run wild in the dark - so I started wondering whether I could ever trust anyone ever again. Especially if they were strangers. Good-looking ones. And male.

Fortunately, in the gentle light of the next morning, I was able to laugh a little at myself. Yet, although my slight terror had arisen from my fixation on the one extreme consequence of being lied to, the series as a whole was a sobering reminder of how our interactions daily are so entangled with minor lies and/ or major deceptions. The main message I was left with was that everyone lies - it's just that not everyone gets caught.

Furthermore, the series just confirmed what I'd experienced myself. Human relationships have ruined me. People have betrayed me, intentionally and unintentionally; and now I, like many others, hesitate before I trust someone fully. I no longer trust anyone with the simplicity that I used to when I was 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 years old etc. [In fact, I kept on mistakenly calling the series "Don't Lie to Me" - an unintentional, but revealing, indication of how I feel about lies and truth.]

What a wonderful happenstance it was to walk into church last night, while I was still pondering all these things, to hear the speaker talk about the trustworthiness of God based on Habakkuk's response in Habakkuk 3. In the face of complete poverty and hardship, Habakkuk iterates that it is in the Lord he will carry on having joy:

Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to tread on the heights. (Habakkuk 3:17-19)

How can this be? If you were in the same situation, wouldn't you think that God had betrayed you? I certainly would. I've been mad, angry, confused for less.

But Habakkuk continues to praise God because he remembers who God is, and what He is capable of

LORD, I have heard of your fame;
I stand in awe of your deeds, LORD.
Repeat them in our day,
in our time make them known;
in wrath remember mercy. (Habakkuk 3:2)

God has proven Himself over and over again to be trustworthy. Again and again, Habakkuk is reminded how God has previously rescued them from their enemies - and it is this history that comforts him in this confusing time of turmoil and troubles.

Similarly, how amazing is it for us to be able to be in a relationship with a trustworthy God - One who has proven his ultimate trustworthiness through what He has done for us through Jesus's death on the cross! Where other people might let us down/ have let us down, God will never. As Romans exhorts us to remember:

He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? Who will bring a charge against God’s elect? God is the one who justifies; who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
Just as it is written,
“FOR YOUR SAKE WE ARE BEING PUT TO DEATH ALL DAY LONG;
WE WERE CONSIDERED AS SHEEP TO BE SLAUGHTERED.”
But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:32-39)

Amen.

I am happy as a pig stuck in mud at Bible Study

So this year, I decided not to lead Bible study. "Good", I thought. "I'll get a bit of a break.""Not so good", whispered my conscience. "You know that in the past you were under-stimulated and thus got highly distracting in bible studies."

So it was with a little bit of trepidation that I decided to join a Bible study group that was led with two good friends of mine. But last night, I realized it's going to be a WONDERFUL year of growth and learning!

Why? Well. Apart from the two leaders, there are only TWO members! (Actually three, but the one's going to England soon to have her baby there). And so, we have time to work through the passage thoroughly, and also to nut out practical applications. And because we all know each other quite well, it's a very comfortable environment within which to share and encourage and rebuke, if necessary.

Another lovely thing is that because all of us in the group have at one time or another led a group, it's also easier for the leader to lead, because our levels of exposure to the Bible are quite similar - we've all been Christians for a while, and there aren't any new family members etc in our group (which isn't a bad thing, it's just an easier thing in terms of practicalities: there aren't different levels of exposure to the bible in the group). And it's not really that we're being taught by one leader- it's that we're all teaching and leading under the facilitation of one.

So many 'ands'. This is a good thing :) Yay, my heart is happy. It's going to be a great year!

Talking about Sleepy Time

I just read the most interesting post on Why we need sleep and yet don't want it.

The crux of the matter is:

We don’t like sleep because sleep is an admission that we aren’t in control. It’s a physical expression of our spiritual need to lay down and rest in the arms of One who is sovereign and never sleeps.

I think it's time for me to go rest now, so you read the complete post here at Life2getherblog.com

Me, me, me, me, ministry : update

I've been thinking about my ministry involvement a lot in the past half-year, especially after my near-bout of burn-out. I've been pretty much involved with most church ministries at one point or another the last few years, and so, as BO (burn-out, not body odour, silly) hit me, I was forced to reflect on the real reason why I was so involved. Was it really 'cause I was wanting to serve the church, or was it just because I'm one of those types that likes helping out/ not being served? [Seriously, I once walked into a restaurant and absentmindedly flipped through the reservation book and would have seated myself if the maitre'd hadn't stopped me!][I think my thinking behind it was that I'd save him some time by doing it myself][Who knows?!!?!?]

As a result, I decided to give up nearly all my ministries, firstly so that I could have a break and allow other people to serve [yes, you reading this, step up to the plate!], and secondly so that I could work on my relationship with God personally, instead of it being mediated by things done for the church. I decided to commit to only music ministry, as I love playing the ol' banjo (I don't really play the ol' banjo; one of my friends just calls it that, and I think it's awesome].

I also knew, though I didn't acknowledge that to myself, that it would be the easiest way out. No real work. I pitch up, play a few tunes, stand on stage looking muso, and then that's done. But I still look involved, 'cause it's a high-profile ministry (in that, we're obviously visible on stage). Easy kapeasy.

God wasn't having any of that. And He has been gently reminding me that I have gifts that I could use more effectively in the service of the church body (a banjo is a nice-to-have, not a need-to-have), and so, I resigned yesterday so that I can focus on a word-teaching ministry for the year.

To be honest, I'm quite stoked. Sure, I'm going to miss playing with the bands, but at the same time, I've played most mornings and evenings for the last five years. This way I get to sit in the congregation and get to learn the words (and sing!) [I don't know as many titles of the songs as I should... people sometimes have to hum the tune so that I can figure out what they're talking about!]. It also frees me up to welcome newcomers who have the misfortune of sitting next to me, as with music ministry I was always stuck up on stage :)

So yeah, this is me me me me me and ministry for now :)

It's been a long year, I realized,

when I walked out of the video store empty-handed, because I suddenly realized I didn't have the emotional capacity to commit to someone's troubles and turmoils for two hours, albeit fictional.

Time for a holiday, methinks.

On that note, I'm going AWOL for a while, so I'll see you on the fresh side of 2010.

Famous last words: Just love Jesus!

Ciao

Iboohoohoo

I am currently sitting in my bed, just having left an awesome party. I've already spent the last SIX days in bed, and was quite convinced that I was ready to tackle the real world and its people once more. But after a mere two hours, I was already exhausted, and my throat was acting up so instead of speaking louder to compensate from the pumping music, I could only speak softer. Blergh. So I left.

As I got into the house, relieved to walk into a quiet zone, without people around without whom I'd want to exert energy on, I realized that I am not grateful enough. How must it be for people who don't have the blessing of good health? I'd go MENTAL if this was to be my existence for more than a week or two. Shoh. Why is it that it's only when things go wrong or get broken that we are remember to be grateful for the things we have?

Anyway, I'm going to sleep now. My throat and head are still kinda wooooooozy.

Back to burnout, back to basics

So ladies and gentlemen, let us return to the topic of burnout. I have finally realized that I might not have had a full blown-out case of it, but I was definitely was on the verge. And a lot of the reasons for this came from my need to take on more and more things because of proud arrogance. I realized this when my friend, let's call him G-Dawg, was talking to me and said: "I think it's probably best for you to not do so much, 'cause I'm sure that some people could cope easily with the amount of things you were doing, but you couldn't". At that point, the proud voice inside me shouted: "WHAT?!?!? Do you have ANY idea how much I was actually doing?!?! Do you know that mere mortals would've succumbed to yellow fever and depression and scurvy all at the same time because of the pressure from all the things I had to struggle with?!?!" And then my rational voice kicked in, and I sheepishly laughed (still only mentally, as a burst of sheepish laughter at this point would've probably alarmed my poor friend, who would've probably thought that this was a true indicator of insanity and burnout). Not only did this voice reveal my overinflated sense of self, but I also laughed at God being so wise to give me friends who didn't treat me like the Be-all, End-all, and All-Capable-Superwoman.

On that note, I was recounting the number of people I know who recently was struggling with burnout to a friend of mine. Now, many of the people I told him about are highly involved in ministry at my church, so he understandably picked up on this: "Woah. Your church sounds like a Church of Works," he mused aloud. 'Agh, don't be silly', I thought, but later as I was driving home, I thought about it. Something I'd realized from this whole situation, was that I'd perhaps fallen into the trap of thinking that 'do do do' was the answer, and that if i 'did did did', I didn't really need to spend that much time with God, or work on my relationship with him. For as much as serving is a reflection of what Jesus' death means for you, it can also be turned into a bad thing of becoming a reflection of your misunderstanding of Jesus' death for you. In other words, serving changes from being a way of saying thanks to God for Jesus' death, into a way of working your way into heaven.

So, I'm now rethinking through a lot. Please pray for me every now and then :)

Burn out or rust out?... Part 3

Part 3: How do we keep ourselves?

We have a duty to keep ourselves and to keep each other.

What is the single best way to keep yourself in ministry?
1) Keep yourself a Christian
2) Keep yourself continuing in what you have learnt

We also have a responsibility to keep each other
- there is no such thing as privatized Christianity.

Umm. Yeah. This is a short one, 'cause I kinda got over taking notes at this point. Heehee.

Hmmm. I found it helpful to reconsider reasons for ministry etc., but I was expecting many more practical tips about burn out. Instead, I found that after these sessions, I felt obligated to get involved with more ministries, instead of trying to cut down on my own current number (which a person containing a measure of sensibility might suggest). So. Burn out, huh. Fortunately, a friend of mine recently went to see a Christian psychologist about this, who was apparently VERY helpful with practical tips, so once she has emailed me the notes, I'll post them up here. Till then, exercise, eat healthy, sleep enough, and laugh.

A thought on burnout...

So I just got back on Sunday from a HECTIC week attending an awesome youth summit, and when I walked into church that evening, Doug (our crazy student minister) promptly invited me to a training day the next on the subject: Burn out or rust out? As he suddenly went into a bout of 'wide-eyed, focussed looking' and 'nodding', I finally clicked that this sudden attack of physical movement wasn't because he was undergoing a minor epileptic fit, but because he was trying to subtly hint that I was a prime candidate for attending this meeting. As if I was in danger of burning out like other minor mortals, pschaw. Puhleeeeaassee. So last year.

But as I thought about it, it's actually something we should be seriously considering as people who live for Jesus. It doesn't matter whether we're in full time ministry or not- we are all called to serve in our own contexts. And because the implications of being in ministry and serving others in the name of Jesus are so huge, wonderful, eternal, and great, we tend to push ourselves more often than not. I'm not going to type out the notes from the 3-part series here now, as I'm actually supposed to be packing for another conference (yeah, yeah, so maybe Doug was right to be hinting so violently), but there's definitely food for thought here about how we're going about in our ministries, and whether we're doing too much or not at all..

BLERGH... being sick sucks :(

You might have noticed that this month's posts this far, have been more signposts to other people's words and sites, rather than my own blogposts.

This is because I have only recently returned from the dead. *cough cough*

[Excuse me, evidently melodrama, as well as the odd germ, evidently still courses through my blood.]

Either way, I bet you it wasn't pretty. I'm not quite sure myself, as I was out of it most of the time. I'm not even sure what hit me. Whatever it was, it hit swiftly, and it hit hard. Sunday morning I was feeling a bit yuck. Sunday evening, I went to bed with a slight fever.. and then proceeded to sleep for pretty much 33 hours (with maybe three hours on-off/asleep-awake dozing inbetween). And I've pretty much spent most of that time since in bed, recovering. Slowly. Sigh.

And the irony of it all was that May was/is CRAZY month. Lots of admin, lots of research, lots of marking, lots lots lots lots of things scheduled into my diary. And with one swift invasion of little invisible bacteria, all this was cleared out of my lifeplan and instead rest and sleep became priority. And I think there're two key lessons that can be drawn from this:

1) Perspective. Like I said, I'd thought this would be my crazy month, but as soon as it came to the point of living (by staying at home to rest) or dying (forcing myself to go to all those scheduled things), perspective came into place and all the things that had seemed so important, didn't really seem so important after all. And I suppose that's what the eternal perspective we need to be keeping - not in the sense that we should be lassez faire and unconcerned about everything.

2) Control. God really reminded me again that He is in sovereign control. I'm one of those people who organise and plan like crazy (mostly 'cause I have to - much to the frustration of my inner slob - what with all my interests and hobbies), but sometimes God gently reminds me (or in this case, rather abruptly) that I'm not in control - He is. I had no idea this was coming, and I had no idea how long this would last. Only God does!

So yay. I actually think I had a good week off work - though tomorrow I'm going to have my first full day in four days - and time to think through some stuff. Who thought being sick would be so productive!

Relearning old lessons, and struggling on..

So all those amazing lessons I learnt regarding work, time, and priorities last year?? I think I need to learn them again.

Or, to be more honest, I've had to relearn them. Wednesday night found me sleeping for a mere hour and a half in an effort to finish off an assignment for Thursday 9:00. What a fool I was!! Barely compos mentis, I printed off the assignment at 8:45, rushed to class, only to find a note on the door telling me that my lecturer was ill!!!!! WARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Serves me right!! I then had to struggle through the rest of the day, and apart from a brief 30 minute nap at a friend's who also had worked the whole night through, had no sleep or rest until 22:00... (Well, I did nod off a few times in my lunchtime lecture!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, okay, I actually don't remember a word the guy said. Which makes me so sad, cause the topic was something I'm really interested in!!!!!)

I'm STILL recuperating from my sleep deprivation now, three days later (or is it two? I don't know!!).

Sadness.

But I think I have relearnt my lesson....

Time for a holiday!!

Anyway, now that it's holidays, I've also been thinking about how to be constructive with all the free time I have. This is going to sound silly, but holidays are fun and a great time to catch up with everything and everyone, but we need to make sure that we also have a good rest and look after our bodies as well. I realized I was taking my holidays too seriously, when a mere crazily-packed two days after my holidays started, I was over at a friend's house and promptly fell asleep on his bed!! Also, I think it's also going to be a challenge keeping so focussed when there's all this wonderful free time. I don't know. I'm the type who can get everything done if there ain't enough time, but if there is too much free time, oh dear...