Almost-anniversary!

I realized today that it's almost my anniversary. Yes, three more months, and we shall have reached a full year since I first bunged up the wretched foot.

[Actually, to be fair, it's not the foot's fault. It's the fault of its wretched owner.]

But why so long?, might be the question on your lips. Why on earth aren't I back in full form, jumping from trees, and climbing over gates as I was wont to in my prime.

Because I am a fool. Stupid. Stubborn, some nicer people might say. In other words: unlike sensible-minded people who usually go to the doctor as soon as they feel a twinge where there should be nary such a feeling, I felt it necessary to reach an point of limp-age and extreme pain before I decided that it would be a good idea to see someone with a medical degree. And now, 9 months after the fact, I'm still having to go to my physio, as the injury had gradually affected many other parts of my system, e.g. my calf and thigh muscles (quite possibly a nerve).

In a similar way, I've also come to realize over the past few months that I've been stupid about my spiritual health. Like I blogged a few times earlier, (see Born Again... Lazy?!?!, Soul idols, or Sole idols) I'd lost sight of the plot, and in fact needed to reconfigure my emotional stability on God. But months later, I'm discovering more and more how this had affected my system, and how it isn't easy to just make things right again. There's a lot I've been challenged in and had to rethink through, but praise God He is with me.

Dear God

Dear God

Thank you for being patient and for giving us another day in which we can tell others about you. Thank you that you have given us another day to learn what it means to be your child and to walk in faith. However, there are many things we still struggle with (me especially). I'm struggling to see why you can't just make everyone I love a part of your family RIGHT NOW, 'cause Father, I know you can if you want to. But you know what, with you it's more than just a case of 'if you want to'. 'Cause if my heart is breaking to see how confused and alone some of my loved ones are, how much more compassion do you feel for a whole earth of your creations. You know far more than me when it comes to these matters.

So, Father, instead I pray for more patience on my part and trust and willingness to be obedience. I also pray for more patience on your part, and for mercy. Father, I know there is nothing I can do to twist your arm, but I also know that you hear my prayers and know my heart, so please have mercy on my friends and family that don't know you yet.

In Jesus' name,

Amen.

Temptation

C.S. Lewis on temptation:

"A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is.... A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in."

four and a half

it's the toughest thing having size four and a half feet

(Princess Sarah told me the other day)

'cause size five is too big, and size four just a wee bit too small,

so no matter what size you end up wearing, they always fit just a little bit not right...

and that (she mused) is sometimes how it feels like not being a Christian: not of this world, but not of the next either.

Putting the Amazing back into Grace

I climbed into the car this morning and put on my favourite CD of the moment... yes, you're right: The one and only Miss Regina Spektor. And as I was driving, her song 'Eet' started playing...

 

"It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song.
You can't believe it; you were always singing along.
It was so easy and the words so sweet.
You can't remember; you try to feel the beat.."

 

And that made me think about the way that we sometimes simply forget about grace. Or rather: how easy it is to forget about what God has done for us through his grace, and what a truly amazing gift it is. We're so aware of this key Christian word and concept that sometimes, just like the person in the song, overexposure to the idea of grace perhaps dulls our consciousness of its magnitude. We forget the words, even though it's our favourite song. I know that I definitely forget at times what it means to be someone who has received grace and still continuously receives grace, and then fall into the trap of thinking that I'm not good enough for God. Or that I'm too good for God. Or that I can do enough to be with God. But that's not true. God's grace is the only way, and all we need.

 

Let's go relearn the words to our favourite song....

 

Back to burnout, back to basics

So ladies and gentlemen, let us return to the topic of burnout. I have finally realized that I might not have had a full blown-out case of it, but I was definitely was on the verge. And a lot of the reasons for this came from my need to take on more and more things because of proud arrogance. I realized this when my friend, let's call him G-Dawg, was talking to me and said: "I think it's probably best for you to not do so much, 'cause I'm sure that some people could cope easily with the amount of things you were doing, but you couldn't". At that point, the proud voice inside me shouted: "WHAT?!?!? Do you have ANY idea how much I was actually doing?!?! Do you know that mere mortals would've succumbed to yellow fever and depression and scurvy all at the same time because of the pressure from all the things I had to struggle with?!?!" And then my rational voice kicked in, and I sheepishly laughed (still only mentally, as a burst of sheepish laughter at this point would've probably alarmed my poor friend, who would've probably thought that this was a true indicator of insanity and burnout). Not only did this voice reveal my overinflated sense of self, but I also laughed at God being so wise to give me friends who didn't treat me like the Be-all, End-all, and All-Capable-Superwoman.

On that note, I was recounting the number of people I know who recently was struggling with burnout to a friend of mine. Now, many of the people I told him about are highly involved in ministry at my church, so he understandably picked up on this: "Woah. Your church sounds like a Church of Works," he mused aloud. 'Agh, don't be silly', I thought, but later as I was driving home, I thought about it. Something I'd realized from this whole situation, was that I'd perhaps fallen into the trap of thinking that 'do do do' was the answer, and that if i 'did did did', I didn't really need to spend that much time with God, or work on my relationship with him. For as much as serving is a reflection of what Jesus' death means for you, it can also be turned into a bad thing of becoming a reflection of your misunderstanding of Jesus' death for you. In other words, serving changes from being a way of saying thanks to God for Jesus' death, into a way of working your way into heaven.

So, I'm now rethinking through a lot. Please pray for me every now and then :)

Despaireth not, oh little AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH-er

I wanted to start on a new set of posts for September, but suddenly realized it might seem a bit raggedy-jaggedy-out-of-place considering that the last post seemed to have been a cliffhanger of sorts.. And like a cliffhanger, there was nary a word from her for 3 weeks: What had happened? Was Grace still holding onto the cliff edges by the tips of her little fingers, or had she wearily let go, down into the abyss of self-pity?

 

So let's take it from here. No, I'm quite alright, but I have been thinking a lot. Sometimes it's very easy to fall into despair as Christians, for we see how sinfully and dirtyly and blemishedly we still behave, even though we know we are new creations. But, it's important to keep this in mind:

 

As we grow more in godliness, we will become more and more awear of our sinfulness. As we grow more and more Christlike, we will grow in hatred of our sinful natures. And in this way, the despair we feel at being wretched sinners is sometimes an indicator of how far we've come along. So we don't need to be kicking ourselves in the kidneys when we're down, for the standards by which we're comparing our acts to are getting higher the more and more we are changed by the Holy Spirit (we hope and pray :) ).

 

So remember.. We're not the men/women we want to be. But we're not the boys/girls we used to be.

 

Amen to that.