a sense of hypocrisy

I was telling N on the phone last night about the Rob Bell video, how I was left in a turmoil of fury and intense sadness that this proclaimed representative of Christianity didn't seem to hold to the most essential beliefs.

But as I carried on talking, I realized that underlying the intensity of my emotions was a sense of deep hypocrisy, a sense of fury at myself.

I told N: At least he's open and honest. What am I doing? I know the Jesus of the Bible, and I claim to be following Him, but I'm not even reading His Word, or making any attempts at building and deepening our relationship. At least Rob Bell, misguided as some of his teachings appear, is doing something.

What is knowledge, after all, when it translates to nothing?

The Guilty Conscience Speaks

Over the last few weeks, E, a good friend, has been trying to talk to me more about Jesus, particularly since our chats where I told him that I was struggling to read God's Word.

He lent me a book in Isaiah studies on Thursday, on condition that I read it in two weeks and spend a good solid few hours dwelling on what it's got to say about God. [Okay, okay, the deal was that I spend two of my best hours of the day on a study each time.] [I didn't want to share that, 'cause that'd mean that you'd be able to keep me accountable.] [So far, I've read about 30 minutes of Isaiah.] [To be fair, I read faster than the average Joe.][Excuses.] [Anyway.]

On the one hand, I'm really grateful that he's looking out for me in this way. Because I move between so many different circles, I can slip between the cracks if I so wish. And somewhere, a niggling voice is telling me that my relationship with God's Word shouldn't be in the state it currently is, so to have his active intervention is kinda a relief, an ultimatum of sorts.

On the other hand, I'm slightly irritated. I've had thoughts of defensiveness and rationalization ever since our discussions: "I really don't know why he's so concerned that I read this. It's not like I'm not a Christian. It's not like I'm not talking to God. Puhleease, I'm like a mature follower of Christ".

I've been intrigued by these thoughts - Why do I see his helpfulness as an accusation, rather than support? Why am I trying to assuage a guilty conscience with talk of "I'm fine, I'm fine?"

If anything, I've finally realized that my attitude is a strong indicator of the necessity of me plunging back into the Word.

You say, God says

YOU SAY	GOD SAYS	BIBLE VERSES
You say: 'It's impossible'	God says: All things are possible	(Luke 18:27)
You say: 'I'm too tired'	God says: I will give you rest	(Matthew 11:28-30)
You say: 'Nobody really loves me'	God says: I love you	(John 3:1 6 & John 3:34 )
You say: 'I can't go on'	God says: My grace is sufficient	(II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)
You say: 'I can't figure things out'	God says: I will direct your steps	(Proverbs 3:5- 6)
You say: 'I can't do it'	God says: You can do all things	( Philippians 4:13)
You say: 'I'm not able'	God says: I am able	(II Corinthians 9:8)
You say: 'It's not worth it'	God says: It will be worth it	(Roman 8:28 )
You say: 'I can't forgive myself'	God says: I Forgive you	(I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)
You say: 'I can't manage'	God says: I will supply all your needs	( Philippians 4:19)
You say: 'I'm afraid'	God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear	(II Timothy 1:7)
You say: 'I'm always worried and frustrated'	God says: Cast all your cares on ME	(I Peter 5:7)
You say: 'I'm not smart enough'	God says: I give you wisdom	(I Corinthians 1:30)
You say: 'I feel all alone'	God says: I will never leave you or forsake you	(Hebrews 13:5)

The Parable of the Sower

³ “Listen! A farmer went out to sow his seed.⁴ As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. ⁵ Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. ⁶ But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. ⁷ Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants, so that they did not bear grain. ⁸ Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up, grew and produced a crop, some multiplying thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times.”

[Jesus explaining:] ¹⁴ The farmer sows the word. ¹⁵ Some people are like seed along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them. ¹⁶ Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and at once receive it with joy. ¹⁷ But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. ¹⁸ Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; ¹⁹ but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. ²⁰ Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop—some thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times what was sown.”

Mark 4: 3-8

Last night we dealt with Mark 4's the Parable of the Sower.

Confession time: This parable scares me because it shows me what I could still become, what I could fall to be.

I know that I'm not Soil #1 (the unaccepting path) because I've accepted Christ.

I want to be Soil #4, someone who will produce lots of crop.

But I could still fall and be Soil #2, the rock who loses the seed because of persecution.

Even more scarily, Soil #3, where there's no active persecution, but rather a drifting away due to other interests, other idols, other loves.

Time will tell.

Insiders/ Outsiders, Belonging, Church

The number of Bible Studies I've been to this year have been minimal so far, though I'm still a regular Sunday attender. A number of things have come up on a Thursday, cycling things (oh yes, I've started cycling - more about that later), Toastmasters (yip, joined that too this year), so last night was my second time.

It's a bit weird, being so infrequent with my .. for lack of a word... visitations. Every so often at Sunday church, I feel like everyone's growing up without me. Friendships are formed through weekly and daily experiences, and as one of the 'older' ones, bumping into people between classes, or randomly in our food mall is a rare occurrence. It makes me feel a little detached at times, but gratefully so - I feel that I've served my time in many ways and it's good to know that things are functioning fine without me and will carry on like that when I leave.

Back to last night.

We started with some shared experiences about when situation where you'd felt like an outsider. A bit ironic in light of my confession before. The experience I shared, however, was one that never left me: I went to an Afrikaans church when I was younger. I clearly didn't fit in - struggled with the language, came in shorts and T-shirts (my mom heartily tried her best with me) when all the other girls were in pretty lady-like dresses.

No-one befriended me.

I'm sure they tried, but after so many times struggling with linguistic differences, there's only so much you can do. I probably wasn't the happiest of campers then, anyway.

But last night, while we were sitting there sharing our stories, and then studying the Word together, I was reminded that this is what church is about: belonging and acceptance.

Rob Bell and MSNBC

Yowzer... Burnt, baby, burnt.

Watch Rob Bell, pastor of Mars Hill Church on MSNBC. It's a pity for him that the host is a Christian who evidently knows his scripture better than Rob does.

I get so sad when 'Christians' preach that Christianity doesn't matter. And I'm super-impressed at how the host is so clear and firm about the way that Bell is mishandling God's Word.

Free grace

Noun, not verb. I don't need freeing.

Or, no, maybe I do.

I'm still thinking me me me, do do do so much, when I should be thinking Jesus Jesus Jesus, done done done.

I love this explanation by Tim Keller about what the actual implications of grace:

"Consider the free grace of Jesus until there is (a) no cowardly avoidance of hard things (since Jesus faced evil for me), (b) no anxious or rash behaviour (since Jesus' death proves God cares & will watch over me). It takes pride to be anxious - I am not wise enough to know how my life should go. Consider free grace until I experience calm thoughtfulness and strategic boldness."

Yeah, no more cowardlyness! No more anxiety and rashness. Let's be real trusting children of God.