it's a true word, a hopeful word

A best friend, a good friend, a sibling, a loved one is allowed to say things that other people may not, dare not. J tells me the other day that I've been moaning a lot lately. This is unusual for J - she rarely says anything that touches on the emotional. And I realize she's right. I have, because I'm struggling (with everything, it would seem). My world has shrunk to (my world), and I'm struggling to see God for the brackets around my eyes. I say, 'Sorry'. She says 'It's okay. You don't always have to be the strong, positive one.'

A best friend, a good friend, a sibling, a loved one, is allowed to hold out hope in ways that other people shy away from, are slow to. She sends me this song after:

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

- Tenth Avenue North 'You are more'

Beyond mourning

There's nothing quite like starting a morning with a memorial service.

Somewhere over the rainbow

As I'm typing this, Ingrid Michaelson's busy singing Somewhere over the rainbow, and as I listen to the words, I think back to the last time I saw a rainbow. It was a giant of a stunner, stretching from the bottom of a mountain range to end up plonk in the sea.

What a beautiful day that'd been. I'd left the house at 7:00, no easy feat in the autumn days that are slowly turning into winter. Even worse - it'd started raining just as I hopped into the car. But as I drove along the winding road that would eventually lead me alongside a beautiful beach and a wind-swept sea, the rain gradually came to a halt, and the sun peeked out its shy head. And then, right in front of me, stretched the rainbow.

I'd had to slow down, lest I accidentally crash into the truck in front of me as I looked here and there, trying to see the rainbow in all its glory. Yay for God's reminders of His goodness and faithfulness :)

Then God said to Noah and to his sons with him: "I now establish my covenant with you and with your descendants after you and with every living creature that was with you—the birds, the livestock and all the wild animals, all those that came out of the ark with you—every living creature on earth. I establish my covenant with you: Never again will all life be cut off by the waters of a flood; never again will there be a flood to destroy the earth."

And God said, "This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind.

- Genesis 9:8-15

Jesus is King

Toilet doors the world over have the unique curse of being besmirched with graffiti. Sometimes it's nonsensical sayings, sometimes heartbreaking confessions, and mostly humourous one-liners - either way I've always been surprised at the number of people who seem to be carrying permanent markers around with them.

Today, I saw a new scribble on my favourite toilet door:

Jesus
is
King.

written in thick black coki.

Over that, however, someone had taken their pen and scribbled a horizontal line through Jesus, another through King, and a vertical line through is connecting the two horizontal ones. The result: A Big Fat I covering the truth underneath it.

Somehow, the author had (unintentionally, I presume) ended up creating a striking visual representation of what sin is - it is when we do not regard Jesus as King, but intentionally and rebelliously put ourselves at the center.

I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I.

Who knew that we'd find truths on toilet doors?

*Yes. I have a favourite toilet door. I actually have a number! These are the ones that have the most interactive conversations, that develop over time.

Surprised at suffering

I've been thinking about suffering a lot lately, what with the world-at-large falling to pieces around me, my friends going through their own trials, and me mine. Just yesterday, as I was flying home after a wonderful holiday, I overheard a conversation between two ladies sitting behind me: the one was coming down from Joburg specially to visit a friend who had been rushed to hospital that morning. It seems that if you're alive, you just can't escape suffering.

It's apt then, that the following verse popped up at Bible study:

Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you.
- 1 Peter 4:12

I wonder why Peter thought to write do not be surprised to his audience. Anyone in this day and age would be well aware that no-one escapes suffering. But even in this age of interconnectedness and hyperlinkedness, we as a people, as humankind, ARE surprised.

I've reached one general conclusion: The world's natural state is NOT to be one of suffering, and we recognise this in our responses of surprise to suffering. In being surprised at suffering, we recognise that there is another ideal that we subconsciously aspire to.

I've also reached another conclusion, however. Having been a Christian for a while, and having known the above truth for a while, I still find myself angry and surprised when people I know, friends, family, loved ones, find themselves suffering. And, I've come to realize that in some ways, as a Christian, I'm more surprised than before that we do suffer. My logic is as follows:
I know the almighty, loving Creator of the universe;
I am now His Child;
Why does He let me suffer like this?

I suppose my response is a natural one - after all, aren't we more hurt when loved ones, trusted ones, close ones disappoint us or let us down? Many times we forgive strangers far more easily than those who should've known better. I suppose at the root of my response is a selfish, sinful desire that God do what I want for MY life, not what He has ordained is best. I suppose it's a comfort that the One who is letting us go through suffering is the Only One who can see what the future holds and has deemed me able to go through what I need to go through. But for now, for good reasons, and selfish, I remain to be surprised at suffering.

Loving God isn't always easy

but sometimes Pop Songs speak Truth...

Cheryl Cole's song 'Fight for this love' is currently playing on the airwaves, and every time I hear it, I am reminded that...

We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for

Not that it's meant to be a Christian song, as such. God just knows that I sometimes need to be reminded of the truth through cultural means :)

[BTB, before I looked up the lyrics, I had heard the last line quoted above as "It's like heaven; it's worth fighting for"... So actually, my version really was tailor-made for me o.O]

Future factors?

I've been thinking about my future a lot (as always), as even though I seem to know what I'm doing within the next few days/ weeks/ (sometimes) months, I don't have a five year plan. Or a two year plan. Last year's one year plan was to finish my thesis, which should be happening at the end of this year... So it means panic stations again.

Having said that, I know I'm not alone in my 'ooh, aah, future, eek, what do i do'-ness. Recently I got an email from a friend asking for advice with regards to what he should be doing in the near future, or what his gifts were so that he could use that to guide his decisions.

After much thought (okay, a few minutes), I replied:

gosh, I have no idea. But what I can say that we've been given gifts, yes, but we've also been given heart. And I think that God gives us heart (passion, drive) to help us decide what gifts we're to use for his glory.

So what do you LOVE doing?

I was reminded of this again last night, when a friend related the following scene from the movie Chariots of Fire. Eric Liddell, the main character, is a Christian athlete, and is asked in frustration by his sister when he's ever going to do something for God instead of running the whole time. He responds:

I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure.

In the film, he ends up using this passion and the opportunities it brings into his life to further God's purpose- he ends up as an Olympic athletics coach in China where he also works as a missionary.

I'm not saying we should be dictated by what we love doing - I might love playing golf, but it might be an absolutely daft thing for me to be doing if I e.g. particularly suck at it. [BTB, I dislike golf. Intensely.] However, I think there's wisdom in not only assessing what you're good at/ gifted at, but also what you enjoy doing :).

Good. Now if someone could only tell me what I should be doing!! ....

Disclaimer: Now I know this post is potentially controversial, and it won't be helpful for everyone, so use it if you like, but don't use it if you don't want to.