The friend I was sitting next to is reasonably pedantic at times - so am I - so we spent the first few seconds being confused by the question: surely everyone lived by faith in something, even if it wasn't God? Then, somehow, we ended up re-interpreting his question as "what we'd be doing right now if we weren't at church".
My friend's response: "Well, I'd be dead."
Me: "Really?"
My friend: "Yes. I know myself. I'd have killed myself a long time ago."
It was a humbling moment of honesty - one I could identify with.
I'd had suicidal thoughts throughout my teenage years - anger, frustration, despair drove me at times to wonder what it'd be like to leave this world and its hurts, anguish and pain behind. I have one especially clear memory of a tumultuous evening in grade 11, when death seemed particularly enticing. I thought about it more seriously than I ever had, going through various options and trying to figure out which method was easiest (and cheapest!).
But for some reason, something said inside me: "NO. There's something more to life. Don't." A switch seemed to turn on inside me, and suddenly thoughts of death no longer seemed an option. I'd never before felt such a strong conviction that this would be a terrible mistake.
A few months later, I gave my life to Jesus. I wasn't expecting Him to be the answer - I already thought I was a Christian.
But since then, death has no longer been an option - whether I bring it upon myself physically, or, as an inevitable consequence of my spiritual rebellion and sin.
My friend's answer reminded me how some people, like myself, have been given life by Jesus multiple times: at birth as a baby, at birth as a Christian, and in saving myself from myself.
So if I stand, let me stand on the promise that you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace that first brought me to You
- Jars of Clay "If I stand"
[thanks to Marcus for the song lyrics]
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