God continues His work

TheresALotThatNeedsToBeWrittenHereBecauseIveBeenPrivilegedToHaveHadSomeReallyGoodConversationsWithPeopleInTheLastFewDaysAndWithGodAsWellAsSomeReallyIntenseThoughtSessions:

StuffAboutMyself,MyInsecurities,MyDesiresAndAmbitions,MyThoughtsAndEmotions. StuffAboutGod,AboutWhatIThinkOfHim. StuffAboutPeopleAndHowIInteractAndPerceiveThem.

RealizingAllOfThisHasBeenFruitfulButCrushingAndOverwhelmingAndThoughtProvokingAndHumbling.

At the same time, God remains to be praised:

You never abandon what You have begun. Make perfect my imperfections.
- via St_Augustine's Twitter Account

I'm not where I want to be. But, hopefully, I'm not what I used to be.

fruit of the Spirit: a thought on mentoring

Am I the only one who reads through the passage about the fruit of the Spirit love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control, and wonders: But what does that all mean? What does it mean to be loving? To be kind? To be gentle? To be faithful?

Theoretically, I've got it all down pat. Practically, I'm not quite sure what I'm doing.

I used to answer myself with the thought that I must be all these things like Jesus. But I soon came to realize that unlike Jesus, I can't show love by producing enough loaves to feed 5000 people, I can't die on the cross for them, I can't spend three years teaching and preaching. Sure, in some ways, I will be caring for others, telling them about cross, and sacrificially giving myself up for people, but my acts of grace, kindness, love, sacrifice, will be far smaller, simpler acts. My acts of grace, kindness, love, sacrifice will also take place in a context far from the Ancient Middle East, and this might call me to do things Jesus never did himself. After all, like Edgar Watson Howe wrote: "A boy doesn't have to go to war to be a hero; he can say he doesn't like pie when he sees there isn't enough to go around".

I further came to realize that my past life hadn't prepared me for life as a child of God. If you've spent your life following the god of the air, giving into your sinful desires and commands, to find yourself in the land of the light as a child of God is a complete surprise. How does one act then? If, for instance, you've given in to anger consistently, answering someone gently might not even enter your mind. And what would gentle look like anyway?

This is where God's people can step in to be an example or actively correct you, if needed. [Obviously, it's only God who can change you, but for the purpose of this post, I want to talk about people's responsibilities in modelling that change.]

Sometimes, I do something and people say 'Oh, that was kind' [Hooray, I say, I now have an example of what 'kind' is.] Sometime, I do something and people say 'Oh, that was harsh' [Sorry, I say, I didn't realize - and then I go ponder why it was unkind.]. Sometimes people don't say anything to me, but to each other, and from their reactions to each other I see what kind and gentle etc is.

We are not of night nor of darkness; so then let us not sleep as others do, but let us be alert and sober. For those who sleep do their sleeping at night, and those who get drunk get drunk at night. But since we are of the day, let us be sober, having put on the breastplate of faith and love, and as a helmet, the hope of salvation. For God has not destined us for wrath, but for obtaining salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died for us, so that whether we are awake or asleep, we will live together with Him. Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing.
- 1 Thessalonians 1:5-11

Thank you to those who have been modelling and correcting me :)

Almost-anniversary!

I realized today that it's almost my anniversary. Yes, three more months, and we shall have reached a full year since I first bunged up the wretched foot.

[Actually, to be fair, it's not the foot's fault. It's the fault of its wretched owner.]

But why so long?, might be the question on your lips. Why on earth aren't I back in full form, jumping from trees, and climbing over gates as I was wont to in my prime.

Because I am a fool. Stupid. Stubborn, some nicer people might say. In other words: unlike sensible-minded people who usually go to the doctor as soon as they feel a twinge where there should be nary such a feeling, I felt it necessary to reach an point of limp-age and extreme pain before I decided that it would be a good idea to see someone with a medical degree. And now, 9 months after the fact, I'm still having to go to my physio, as the injury had gradually affected many other parts of my system, e.g. my calf and thigh muscles (quite possibly a nerve).

In a similar way, I've also come to realize over the past few months that I've been stupid about my spiritual health. Like I blogged a few times earlier, (see Born Again... Lazy?!?!, Soul idols, or Sole idols) I'd lost sight of the plot, and in fact needed to reconfigure my emotional stability on God. But months later, I'm discovering more and more how this had affected my system, and how it isn't easy to just make things right again. There's a lot I've been challenged in and had to rethink through, but praise God He is with me.

I almost punched someone the other day...

Seriously.

The Guy had said something really stupid and unnecessary about bearing more responsibilities and workloads to a Girl who was already facing a lot of internal pressure, stress and perhaps a bit of burnout. And as he said it, I saw my fist reaching out, and smashing the smug grin off his face. But God kept me calm and gentle, and my fists open and by my side. And I very gently, very kindly, very softly rebuked him about his unhelpful comment and attitude.

Anyway, let's not worry about the fact that I coulda taken him on, but let's rather focus on the issue of thinking through what we say, how we say it, when we say it. Particularly with regards to being rebuked, and rebuking others. I mean, I'm all for it, but I've been reminded of two important things recently:

1) Hebrews 5:2 talks about the responsibilities of the high priest: "He is able to deal gently with those who are ignorant and are going astray, since he himself is subject to weakness". Now if this passage is speaking about the human high priests, how much more gently must Jesus have been in dealing with those going astray? And if Jesus is the one we are to be following, we too should be dealing gently with those going astray.

2) "For moral criticism to be responsible, it must be addressed to an audience belonging to the tradition criticized who can respond to it" (Tala Asad "A comment on Translation, Critique, and Subversion"). This quote is from a reading I'm doing for Translation Theories, and it's actually speaking about the responsibility ethnographers have to the culture and peoples they have written about. But as I read it, I suddenly realized how appropriate it is for our interaction with each other- it's not fair to talk about other people behind their backs. If you're really concerned about rebuking them, say it straight to their face!

So let's make life easier for tired, busy girls and think twice before we just speak. But if you do, and end up getting punched... You have been warned!!

Yay for naysayers!

So I went and did something stupid the other day.

Actually, by saying it was stupid I make it sound as if it was unintentional, but it wasn't. It was selfish, and (what's more) quite well thought out. I had told myself that I wouldn't do it for such-and-such reasons, and having patted myself nicely on the back for being so mature about the whole situation and coming up with good reasons not to do it, I went and did it.

Stupid, huh.

And the thing is, it was quite easy to justify it to myself and to others afterwards, but when I told one of my very best friends, Princess Sarah, she immediately cut through to the core of my selfishness, and gently and kindly rebuked me. And you know what? I was so so so encouraged by her rebuke, even through the 'ooh, aah, cringe cringe cringe, uuuhh, bbooooh' feeling, that I asked her to repeat it.

Now, I know that makes me sound like a masochist, but her gentle words made me realize how long it had been since I'd last been challenged so clearly. And what I really appreciated, was that she was more concerned about what was best for me - the growth of my godliness - rather than whether I would dislike her for picking up on a seemingly small matter [ahah! Self-justification again!]. That just made me re-realize that I have so many yay-sayers in my life - people who are hesitant to say 'nay' to me or hesitant to rebuke or critique my actions, so that I end up thinking that everything I do is superwonderfulhunkydory, even when it isn't. Furthermore, it really made me realize that I desperately missed having someone saying 'nay' when I needed to hear it: when I had misbehaved badly, when I'd gone too far, when I'd been inconsiderate and selfish.

Like Proverbs reminds us: "Wounds from a friend can be trusted but an enemy multiplies kisses" (27:6)

Hahaha, okay, that's a bit extreme, but you get my point!

Let's hold on to those people in our lives that do say nay, 'cause they are far and few between.

Ministry matters

I've always been quite intrigued by all the various little psychological syndromes that appear in print in the self-help section at the bookstore. There's Texas Syndrome (similar to Short Man Syndrome, the need to have everything bigger and better), Peter Pan Syndrome (for men who refuse to grow up and act like adults), Barney Syndrome (when you believe that you're a giant purple dinosaur) [joking ;)] etc.etc. I've successfully diagnosed myself with the Saviour Syndrome (the belief that I can 'save' people by helping them out and doing things for them), and the Superman Syndrome (the belief that I can do everything!) ;).

What this means practically that if someone asks me to do something I shall say yes. Never mind if I'm already getting less than 8 hours of sleep (okay, okay, I sleep a LOT so this is a BIG DEAL for me!!), and barely get time for a lunch break! GRACE SHALL DO IT [do you hear the Superman theme song in the background??]

Except... Neither the Saviour nor Superman were actually little Asian girls... In fact, Superman don't even exist, dude!! So God's been teaching me over the last few years that I need to say NO.

I can not do everything. And even if it seems as if I'm coping, God reminds me that He doesn't want me just to cope - He doesn't care what the results are, 'cause what matters to Him is my attitude towards whatever I'm doing.

This realization has struck me particularly concerning my work and my ministry so I shall tackle this in two different posts.

This rebuke struck home particularly with regards to youth ministry. I shall confess now that I rarely spent much time prepping for youth. In fact a few times I would just read the passage we were to tackle before the session, and wing it on the good solid teaching I'd received and able memory God had graciously blessed me with. And they got the lesson, but that doesn't matter regarding my godliness 'cause God cares how I treat ministry because this shows how I regard His work and therefore Him. What I was showing was that I didn't really care that much!

A verse that jumped out at me during a time of conviction and rebuke about this issue was 1 Thessalonians 2:8. Paul writes:

We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well.

I think this is an amazing model of ministry. We are called to share the good news of God with others, but how will they believe us, and how will they see the change in our lives if we cannot share our lives with them and show that our sharing of the news comes from our love for them - that we want the best for them! Ministry is serious - and we can see it in the way Paul (for example) treated it!

So often my mistake is to do the one thing and not the other... e.g. with some of my friends I'll share the gospel of God with them (in this case I happily did so with my youth), and with others I shared my life with them but I didn't share the Word of God with them...

What a lot to think about!