irrational fears...

N and I, oddly enough, both starting struggling with Christianity at around roughly the same time, and for similar reasons. Well, I'm mis-representing. We both still love Jesus and convinced it's the one and only way to God... We're just a little tired.

N smses me today: "I'm scared that God will make me be in a near-fatal accident so that I have to turn/ trust in Him."

I've never told anyone before, but this is an irrational fear that's been lurking deep in the darkness. But as I'm typing, I realized something even scarier

Me: "Me too. But I'm even more scared that God doesn't do anything and I remain in this unsteady insecure state for ever..."

I can't live in this one-foot-in-the-one-camp-and-the-other-foot-dangling-who-knows-where state forever. I'm going to have to decide sooner or later; I've never been good at half-hearted attempts.

a thought on suffering...

What I don't understand about suffering is why non-Christians have to go through it. This might appear random, but it's one of those thoughts that have appeared increasingly more in my mind as I'm hugging a friend who is crying, or holding someone else's hand. How often have I not had words that comfort when asked, WHY?

We, as Christians, have hope and God and community and eternity to get us through suffering. We understand that suffering is a natural consequence of a fallen world, and we have the love of Jesus Christ to sustain us and comfort us. But where do non-Christians turn to? Yes, suffering presents moments where God calls to non-Christians that I AM LORD, but... umm... aah. I just hit the real point of my post: I think what I'm really tired of is seeing people suffer without this drawing them closer to God but further away.

it's a true word, a hopeful word

A best friend, a good friend, a sibling, a loved one is allowed to say things that other people may not, dare not. J tells me the other day that I've been moaning a lot lately. This is unusual for J - she rarely says anything that touches on the emotional. And I realize she's right. I have, because I'm struggling (with everything, it would seem). My world has shrunk to (my world), and I'm struggling to see God for the brackets around my eyes. I say, 'Sorry'. She says 'It's okay. You don't always have to be the strong, positive one.'

A best friend, a good friend, a sibling, a loved one, is allowed to hold out hope in ways that other people shy away from, are slow to. She sends me this song after:

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

- Tenth Avenue North 'You are more'