What about Grace?

Keep the core thing the core thing

2011-08-25T08:49:00.003+02:00

I was ten minutes from the end of an energetic spinning class when the instructor announced that we'd be mixing things up. Your momma might have told you to never mix your drugs, but it became swiftly clear that she shoulda also said the same thing about spinning and other exercises. A minute later, still spinning away furiously, we added arm "exercises" (and I use the " " advisedly. I'm not quite sure what they were) - everything from punching the air to circling our hands around each other to doing spirit fingers, ala that mad dance instructor from Bring It On.

The whole point of this was, of course, to .. Actually, I don't know what the point was.

It's not like the exercises were going to have any measurable impact on our arms - they were faaaaaaaaar too flimsy for that. I eventually convinced myself that these additional exercises were supposed to help us focus on our core muscles, as the shifting movements destabilized our balance.

Yet, even that justification felt a bit weak, as I soon realized that the arm exercises were not only detracting from my focus on my core muscles, but also from my spinning. As an amateur multitasker, I was struggling to breathe, spin, and punch the air all at the same time with the result that I was punching the air in time with everyone else, while my breathing was erratic, and my cadence (the rate at which my legs were turning the pedals) had dropped down to about 50%.

Although I'm competitive by nature, and I fiercely kept up with everyone else's handswirling rate, I toned it down after about 5 minutes. My purpose of attending spinning class was, wait for it, to spin. Everything else, as beneficial as it might seem, was a bit of a waste if it distracted me from this main goal. Therefore, if it was the spinning or the arm exercises, then heck, the arm exercises had to go.

This made me think through my Christian walk over the last few years. I'd had quite a few periods where I became distracted by helpful/ exciting/ cool sideline interests that appeared beneficial to my relationship with Jesus e.g. spending a lot of time talking to other people about God, blogging about Him, thinking about Him. Yet, these 'sideline' habits at times overshadowed the most important things, e.g. talking to Him, with Him. When they overplayed their role, needed to be reassessed and placed again in their rightful position as an add-on, not the main thing. If it isn't about Jesus 100%, then there's no reason to even consider the add-on habits, you know?

As I left class that day, my legs buuuuurning nicely, and my core feeling all the stronger. My arms? They were feeling fine. And that was the way I wanted things to be. So lets make sure that we are all keeping the core thing the core thing!

Emphasising and working on spiritual beauty

2011-08-24T23:07:00.003+02:00

One of the topics that came up tonight was beauty, and I was reminded of an idea I'd had a few months ago (which, sadly, I hadn't given much more thought since).

It came from an increasing awareness of the triumph of physical beauty over beauty of character, beauty of spirit. Not that physical beauty is bad, not at all, but it really isn't the be-all and the end-all like the world says it is. I've found myself talking with the emphasis of the world, however, in frequently complimenting others on their physical attractiveness, or their clothes. I'd like to challenge myself in this: to compliment people more frequently because of who they are, or because of what they've done, e.g. "You're beautiful, because of your amazing spirit/ kind heart".

Another note:
In talking about spiritual beauty, I also find cycling (well, exercising terminology) helpful. As I've been developing muscles (it's true! cyclist calves.. oohhh), and growing stronger, and working out for longer, I've been struck by how apt a metaphor physical training provides for our own spiritual training (to be fair, the original analogy is used by the Bible :) ). In the same way some exercises work certain muscle groups, nowadays I talk about certain incidents giving me opportunity to work out my patience muscles, or doing a session with my kindness muscles.

These little visualization techniques have really helped me to process the ups and downs of the Christian walk. I no longer beat myself when I struggle as a Christian, 'cause, as I've come to expect from exercising, I know I'll have some off days, some good days, some days where my muscles hurt and don't do much, and some days where I do so much better. I know that I'm growing, and that growing involves often involves two steps forward, and one step back. I also know that it's something I need to be working on, otherwise I'll stagnate (oh, the dreaded sick periods when I can't gym for weeks.. not fun.) But unlike exercising where I can only do as much as my body can, and where I need to have frequent rest days so my muscles can build inside me, my spiritual growth is going to exceed my wildest expectations, because it's God's power and grace working in me.

Onwards, ever onwards :)

"Girls just wanna have funnnn"

2011-08-24T23:01:00.002+02:00

Just got back from a lovely evening with some of the girls who attend my local church. The two main organisers, E and K, went to a lot of effort, preparing food for about 15 girls, which is always a win, but what I really appreciated was the thought that went into preparing the conversations for that evening, as a Facebook message from K can attest:

Oh also E and i have been thinking how we could really make the night worthwhile. Cause as much fun as it is just sociallising girls often get into gossiping easily and we want to avoid that. So were thinking that often dinner we could have some cool chats and hear everyones opinions on some intresting subjects, such as modesty, guys, contentment, how should we as women act ect. gonna put all topics in a hat and pull out randomly to discuss. we wanting to make this very relaxed and chilled tho. just cool to hear peoples opinions about some subjects and what maybe people stuggle with ect.

And what a great night of encouragement, talking, sharing, wisdomising it was :) What a blessing it is to be in such a community where you can talk about similar struggles, identify with others, and really build each other up.

Yes, I think more of this must be done!

Listening

2011-08-24T12:15:00.002+02:00

- just because I love this quote, and believe that skills in listening is going to go a long way in establishing healthy, growing communities -

"When I ask you to listen and you start giving advice, you have not done what I have asked. When I ask you to listen and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel the way I do, you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as it may seem. Listen. All I asked you to do was listen, not talk or do. Just hear me. I am not helpless. Perhaps discouraged for faltering, but not helpless. When you do something for me that I need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness. But when you accept as fact that I feel what I feel no matter how irrational, then I can stop trying to convince you and get on with understanding what's behind that irrational feeling and when that's clear, the answer will be obvious and I won't need advice." - Anonymous

Cycling ll Christian walk - a lesson

2011-08-23T21:20:00.006+02:00

There's a shocking lack of blogging about my latest obsession: Cycling.

I. Am. Obsessed.

I've been cycling since December, and I'm now a keen spandex wearer, proud cycling tan-ner, and my eyes glaze over with joy when I meet another cyclist. I even started spinning (yes, in the gym) because winter came and I had to keep on cycling, whatever it took. How far the anti-gym-bunny has come.

Spinning/ cycling has been good for my relationship with God in many ways. Sitting on a bike for so long means that inevitably I have lengthy chats with God, or just general reflection time. Sitting on a bike for so long means I inevitably turn to God in prayer out of desperation (as irreverent as that sounds, the last hill is always a killer), or in praise for what our bodies are capable of and the beautiful surroundings I find myself in.

Cycling has also proved itself to be useful as a fruitful comparison to the Christian walk. It's hard work, takes discipline, is a pleasure, brings people together, is best undertaken in encouraging communities etcetc. These are all topics I'll probably write on in the future, but there's one particular topic that I had a revelation about recently so I thought I'd write about that.

Now the curious thing about cycling in the first few months was that I never lost weight. In fact, I think I gained a few kgs, even in the weeks I was doing 7-10 hours a week. That's a lot, anyone will tell you, and especially if you've gone from doing no exercise the last two years to doing this amount! When my cycling partner would tell me of the kgs he'd lost, I'd wonder in complete stupefaction as to how I was gaining when I did double the amount of training he did. We both clicked how this was possible a few weeks later when at a restaurant for supper. I polished off my pizza, whereas he only ate half.

Ahah! A clue!

I observed my eating patterns over the next few weeks, and came to the following conclusion: Already someone who ate a lot, I was eating even more than usual. Fair dinkum, I probably needed the extra energy, but alarmingly, because I was telling myself I was burning up hectic calories, my usually healthy eating plans were out of the window, and I was eating tons of junk food. Burgers, pizzas, pastries, sweet stuff- all things I usually ate in moderation were becoming everyday occurrences. In other words, me doing well in one aspect of healthy living (exercising) made me completely lax in another aspect of healthy living (eating). [I learnt my lesson after a few health issues, though.]

Processing this episode made me wonder - how often do we take a similar approach to our Christian lives? Just because we're doing one thing well, do we tend to pat ourselves on the back and ease off on other matters? Because we've been kind, gracious, patient in one circumstance, do we tell ourselves it's okay to be harsh, unloving, selfish in the next second? This is not to say that God doesn't have grace for us when we slip up - He does, and immeasurably so. This is also not to say that we need to be 100% perfect the whole time. Yet, I came to see through this incident that a danger I see in myself is becoming complacent and thinking that doing well in one area means I'm doing well in my whole Christian walk. Let's watch out for thinking like this :)

Driving home stream-of-consciousness.

2011-08-19T22:46:00.004+02:00

While driving home from a lovely evening with the girls in the Young Working Adults' Bible Study home, I switched on the radio to hear one of my favourite songs:

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends
- Green Day "Wake me up when September ends"

The lyrics saddened me. One month to go, and I'll be out of here. Gone.

But then the next song came on, one of South Africa's favourite rock bands, Plush, with their song 'Hope'

No I’m not going to lose hope today,
'Cause I'm one step closer,
to where I want to be.
No, I'm not going to lose hope today,
Though it's easy to
nothing good comes easy anyway.

It's not at all an answer to my sadness, but it's comforting knowing that taking another step forward takes me further than I was yesterday. Don't think it meant to, but the song just reminded me to trust and obey, and to hope. So sad I'll be, but no despair.

PS - a thought on living in community

2011-08-19T08:00:00.002+02:00

Discovered these wise words today, which are a useful illumination into my thoughts of yesterday:

The Gospel can only be witnessed to by a plurality of persons, because the witness to the gospel is something that happens between and among persons, not simply within them. One Christian can talk about the Gospel, but two or more Christians can enact its truth and power, namely in the way they treat one another. Individual righteousness is inconceivable in the New Testament apart from its expression in relation to others within the body.
- Tommy Givens

Helping.Helped - a thought on living within community

2011-08-18T09:11:00.005+02:00

Yesterday, I bumped into a friend I hadn't seen in ages. We quickly caught up about a number of things, including my prep for England. Very excitedly, I shared with her how I was feeling so much more at ease about going over ever since some people there had gotten hold of me and expressed a warm welcome. She thoughtfully said, looking at me: "That's so great, especially 'cause it must be such a different experience for you. I mean, you're the type who prefers helping out, not being helped."

Her honest words made me pause. Sheesh, I'm as readable as a Jane and Dick grade 1 reader. I am very much a I-can-do-things-by-myself-yes-sure-I-can-help-you-but-no-I-don't-really-need-any-help-from-you-okay-maybe-I-need-some-help-carrying-this-1-ton-elephant-by-myself. It's something I've always struggled with, with manifestation in a prominent so-called Saviour/ Superman complex.

But I realized then that over the last few years God has slowly been changing me, and I'm much better than I used to be. I've come to realize that being so stubborn about not allowing others to help me is actually a barrier to forming community and to creating open, transparent, equal relationships. Mutuality depends on a give and take; not just a take - and by selfishly saying that I was beyond other people's help, I closed down their power to make rightful contributions to our relationship or to our broader community.

This is a lesson that had many iterations, many episodes, and a number of people contribute to its articulation, but here's one situation to illustrate:
Every week during Thursday night Bible studies, a different cell group is on duty, which means that they help serve up dinner, do the dishes after, serve coffee/hot chocolate. Sometimes I'd be standing with friends on duty, and would end up helping them instead of letting the groups serve. However, I was struck by the fact that me helping out every now and then robbed the group members of serving the church family, something which we were trying to encourage by creating this very opportunity. Fail? Yes, much. Rectifiable? Of course. And so it goes.

I now try to stop my first instincts to be like Me, Me, I can help, especially if there's someone else who's just as capable and can use the opportunity to serve. I also try to tell people when I need their help, instead of doing everything by myself.

After all, if the church is a body, the kidney doesn't stand by itself. Neither does the liver. They work together as a conduit of fluids/ particles/ stuff. [Biological knowledge breakdown right here.] And it is in this working together, with each part bringing its own contribution, that the body works so beautifully :)

Adoption Day

2011-08-17T20:32:00.003+02:00

Today was Adoption Day - a full-day seminar on adoption with talks by professionals, as well as adoptive parents. I've been thinking about adoption for a few years, so this seminar was timely, as I was really keen on learning about adoption from a Christian perspective. I think it a necessary consideration, because I live in a country where the majority live in poverty, and where there are so many children in need.

The day was well-structured, and the topics chosen gave a thorough overview of adoption and many of its emotional, practical, socio-cultural, legislative factors. We went from the 'Legal Process of Adoption' to parenting adopted children and factors to consider when bringing a child into a family that already had children, understanding grief and loss in adoption, race and culture, and how to encourage adoption communities and engage with adoption within church families.

There were also some great testimonies. It was so heartwarming to hear how the adoptive parents loved and accepted their children, and how so many of their communities supported them in thoughtful, considerate ways. One family shared how their cell group hosted a baby shower for the mom - one of those events that are planned so matter-of-factly for a natural birth mom, but aren't usually thought necessary for adoptive parents.

Another story had me crying softly. The dad shared how they'd adopted a young HIV positive boy at 7 (the dad confessed that he'd first told God he'd adopt, but just not a HIV+ kid, as he felt that there'd be too many risks involved - little did he know God's plan for his life). Just before their first visit to the grandparents, he told the little boy that they were going to visit Nana and Oupa. "Nana and Oupa?" the little boy asked. "I have a Nana and Oupa?" "Yes, of course," the dad replied. "You've joined our family, now they're yours too." Now, what Nana had done was to download all the photos of the little boy she could find on Facebook, and had them printed, framed, and placed all around the house, just as if the little boy had always been part of the family. When the little boy walked into the house, he stared at all his photos showing that he too belonged, and turned to the dad and said: "She DOES know me!" What an amazing display of welcome :)

What laid the foundation for the whole day was a great opening talk on how we, as Christians, have been adopted by God into His family - one of the main reasons that have shaped my own desires to adopt. As a adoptive couple said: "We adopt, because we were adopted ourselves".

A few points from the talk: "Humanity abandoned its creator, but our Creator did not abandon us. In this context of voluntary orphanage, our Creator came down and offered to adopt us. Adoption is a picture of grace. Once we rejected God, His duty and responsibility to us ceased. But his love did not."

14 For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. 15 The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” 16 The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. 17 Now if we are children, then we are heirs— heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.
- Romans 8:14-17

Alun, the speaker, also reminded us of how we are to go about adopting: "Whatever you do, do it not from guilt or pride, but out of gratitude for your own membership in the greatest of families by what the greatest of Gods has done at the greatest of costs. [...]We need to get away from adoption as a second-best option: adoption is a first-choice option for people who know Jesus Christ first hand."

As someone who has been taken by God into His most amazing worldwide family, as someone who is a temporary stranger on this earth, as someone who now has an eternal inheritance and a Dad who is Creator of the World, I cannot wait to adopt and to similarly take people into my own family :)

The perfect world?

2011-08-17T06:37:00.004+02:00

Max K is one of the loveliest, most sparkly packages of tech-cool dynamite operating in the local space. She's petite, much smaller than I am, but wow, her energy and ideas make her glow like a Catherine Wheel wherever she is.

Being a seeker of fascinating people and interesting conversation, I managed to pin her down for a one-on-one coffee date. Lucky me :) She's a natural mentor and provocateur of growth, so we ended up having some great conversations about where I wanted to be heading and what I wanted to do with my life. I remember saying to her that one of the things I'm most passionate about is social justice, so I'm currently considering career paths in that field. [She laughed and said, "Yeah, social justice is incredibly sexy, but maybe you could be more effective within other fields."]

Just as we were about to wrap up a longer-than-expected conversation, she suddenly stopped me and asked "What does your perfect world look like?"

Struck by the newness of this profound question, I paused and then mumbled off some stuff about an equal opportunity, democratic, financially sustainable world where people were accepted by one another. Blah blah blah blah. You know, all the cool things you've heard everyone else is fighting for. I was actually just throwing words together at the spot - and Max could tell this.

"No, seriously, what does your perfect world look like? If nothing was broken, if nothing needed fixing, how would people treat each other? The environment? Countries? You need to know what it is you're hoping to bring about so that you have something to fight for."

Sheesh. On my drive home, I tried to figure out why I couldn't find the words to describe the perfect world I could feel I believed in, the perfect world that was lying unexpressed in my heart. Whatever I came up with, however, kept on being taunted by the knowledge that this side of heaven, there would be no perfect world. Due to the fallibility, greed, sinfulness of mankind, nothing will ever be perfect.

And then the words came:

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” - Revelations 21:1-4

My perfect world, the one that was haunting the poorly expressed one I shared with Max, looks like the new heaven and the earth God has promised us. God has already perfectly described it for us in His Word. In my perfect world, there will be NO death or mourning or crying or pain. It will be a place where God and man live in perfect harmony, man forever glorifying God like he was created to be; and God being man's God.

Max's last point hit again: "If you know what your perfect world is, then you know what it is you're striving for."

And now I'm sitting with a question of my own: "If my perfect world is primarily one where people know God, not one necessarily marked by social constructs such as democracy, equality, financial security, then why aren't I doing more to further this goal, instead of other 'perfect worlds'?"

The Chronicles of Packing - leaving too early

2011-08-16T08:53:00.004+02:00

1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I'm so grateful to God that I didn't leave straight away in January, and that the UK university year only starts in October. I would've arrived burntout, sentimentally and emotionally broken, logistically inept, and would've probably struggled to settle in for months. The lovely thing about only leaving in September, 9 months after I received word that I'd gotten the Scholarship, is that I've had the gift of time. Time to recover from the last few years of madness, time to recover from the intellectual challenges of the last degree, time to spend and treasure moments spent with my friends and family, time to work on resting and exercising my foot and back (oh these persistent injuries), time to prepare myself mentally for the big shift ahead, time to just settle into myself again.

But now in these last weeks, time has become a burden. In my excitement for the adventures lying ahead, I wish I was there NOW. What I've become aware of is a faint drifting away of my heart and head into the future. I find myself in terms of my commitments, my thinking, my future, to have left already for England.

I remember saying to D at the end of last year, very honestly, that I'd probably not do much this year and in all probability, retreat from many of my friendships in an attempt to protect myself from losing people I love. Whack psychological thinking, eh. He just as honestly told me he thought that was quite cold-hearted. Fair, enough.

Fortunately, God has planned everything according to His schedule, not mine, and despite intention to withdraw, He knew that my time was still in South Africa, and that I still had to make contributions here to life here. He brought into my life many wonderful people and opportunities, to the point where in the last few months instead of cutting down on my friends, I have made more. [Even, random friends like the wonderful Miss L, who I met via Twitter. Kid you not. She's now one of my closest friends :)] I have been all the more richly blessed for following through on the doors God has opened up for me.

Through this all, in retrospect, God was reminding me that I am in a specific place at a specific time with specific people in a specific context. And if I am not wholly present in that space, then I am robbing people around me of my interaction, I am uncommitted to God's plan for me, I am not using opportunities to be a light to the world, and I am just wasting my time. I learnt this lesson in the broader change of a bit move overseas, but I wonder to myself how often I've done this in smaller contexts: at parties, at bible studies, during conversations.. where I have left already before my body leaves. If I am in one place, then I should be fully in one place :)

I mean this post to be an encouragement to think through your own 'spaces' that you're involved in, to investigate your attitudes to your commitments and your responsibilities, to see whether you are truly living out the belief that where you are right now is exactly where God wants you to be.

For me, I'd like to add the following to Ecclesiaste's list: there is a time to leave, and a time to stay.

And right now, I am still here.

The Chronicles of Packing - Worry #1: Friends

2011-08-15T16:16:00.003+02:00

Unfortunately, all of my friends have experienced normal physical development so no-one I know weighs less than 30kgs. Which is actually rather good for them as they might have been stuffed into a suitcase, and chucked unto a plane for a 18hr flight. But this is rather sad for me, because I'm leaving behind many, many beloved people.

This brings me to worry #1 about leaving: friends. My concern is not so much about making friends - I enjoy meeting people and get along with most people, so I've rarely lacked a friendly face or conversationalist when I've wanted to chat to someone. Rather, my concern is those friendships that take longer to evolve; a relationship of trust between two people who've decided to walk along life together for a while. Despite my seeming openness and transparency in my blog, I am a very very (private) person, and there are few people in the world I really trust to share most things with. Hence the problem. If I can't pack these people into a bag with me, then the first few months, maybe even year, is going to be quite difficult, particularly because I will be in a new space, which I expect to challenge me in any ways, and I won't have deep, solid friendships to encourage, rebuke, hold me accountable, and to ask me the hard questions.

But I should've factored in God's hand over my life. Lo and behold, today, three people got hold of me in pretty much the space of 5 minutes, all of them in the UK, all of them members of God's family, and all of them saying 'Hello, we are here to welcome you, don't worry :)'. It's such a privilege to be part of a world-wide family :)

Somalia

2011-08-15T15:46:00.002+02:00

There are times when I am too overwhelmed by the complexity of a situation and I do not want to pray to God because I am afraid that my words are too simple, too inadequate, too narrow for the multitude of factors that can be prayed for. Sometimes I do not want to pray, because I don't quite trust God when He says that the most important thing is not that people have food and clothes and shelter, but that they know Him. Other times, I cannot pray, because my heart is bleeding, and the sorrow drowns my thoughts.

Somalia, I am sorry.

Reversing

2011-08-15T15:20:00.003+02:00

So yesterday, after church, I hopped into my car, switched it on, put the gear into reverse, foot on accelerator... and my car went forward.

Not thinking twice about it, I put the gear into neutral, and then into reverse again. Again, the car rocked forward.

Now, really confused, I put it into neutral again and even more carefully into reverse. To no avail. Again, the car rocked forward. Every single gear that I put it in, reverse, first, second, third, made the car accelerate forward. My reverse gear had been eaten! [Which, I would like to point out, is a non-technical way of saying that my gearbox had obviously broken.]

At this point, C and M walked out of church, and seeing my car shift forward almost into a giant rock, motioned 'Reverse, reverse!'. Little did they know that a minute later, they'd be pushing my car sloooowly backwards, out of the parking lot, so that I could zoom off forward, ever forward!

As I was driving home, careful to stop with sufficient distance before all the stop streets and robots so as to avoid reversing, I suddenly realized what a great picture the car incident displayed of the necessity and power of community.

Sometimes, in our Christian walk, we get stuck. No matter what we do, it just seems as if we can't go anywhere. No matter how much vooma we have, the direction is all wrong. 'Stuck in a moment', as U2 sings. And it's only with the help of others that we are able to reverse/ repent/ get out of said tight spot. Without C and M, I wouldda sat there the whole morning long. There's much to be said about meeting with each other regularly, and being open and honest with our struggles, joys, and fears!

My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins. - James 5:19-20

The Chronicles of Packing - kind words, soft words

2011-08-14T16:23:00.003+02:00

A season of leaving tends to be accompanied by assessment, measuring, weighing up. What's been particularly lovely in these last few weeks is that many of my friends have made a point in telling me what I've meant to them, and how it is I've impacted them or made a difference in their life.

I've been humbled by their words and the way God has allowed me to work in so many people's lives. The reminder that what I do affects those around me (not in an arrogant sense, but a practical realization of the interconnectedness of community) has spurred me on to act more like what they appreciate me for, and to work harder on my selfishness, my unkindness, my general grumpiness.

These two verses on the strength of words sprang to mind:

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. - Ephesians 4:29

Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. - Proverbs 16:24

What I've come to realize though is leaving is too late to encourage someone. Encouraging someone and speaking words of truth and edification must come while you are with them, living life every day. So I've decided I'm going to make more of an effort to highlight people's strengths, their unique gifts to them while I'm with them. Yay :)

The Chronicles of Packing, and my organs

2011-08-14T16:14:00.004+02:00

On Friday night, as I was again sifting through my stuff (did I mention that I found I had some grade 10, 11, 12 notebooks? That I'd kept all my first, second, third year notes?!??! *cough cough* !hoarder!), I suddenly remembered about organ donorship.

The link between the two things (packing and organ donorship) might seem a bit random, but in retrospect I understand it to be because of the prompt of how we are in essence only temporary travellers to this earth, and that if I can't take much with me to England, there's even less I can take with me to Heaven. I am but a steward of things only temporarily mine, even if they are inside me.

FYI, if I'm ever in a fatal accident, I want my organs to live on in others. It's not like I'm going to need them in my next life :) I think it's definitely worth thinking through as a Christian, even though contemplating death might be scary to you. Either way, don't leave it too late - you never know when your time is here, and when you do go, I think it's pretty cool to know that you'll be contributing to saving 7 people's lives in your death.

So don't forget to check out your national Organ Donor Registry! For South Africans it's www.odf.org.za :) I'll also be signing up as soon as I touch down in England, yay :)

The Chronicles of Packing

2011-08-14T16:01:00.003+02:00

In precisely one month and one week, I'll be stepping onto a plane that takes me far, far, far away to a muddy wet island. As you can guess, part of my silence in the last few weeks has been due to the crazy business that comes from wrapping up a life of 24 years up. I've been particularly struck by how much time I've spent packing. Or rather, chucking stuff out, because in the spirit of not being here for 3/4 years, I thought it a good time to assess my material possessions in this time of movement.

A few thoughts:

- Packing has been such a joy and such a curse in forcing me to decide what I'm going to take and what I'm going to leave here. It was a curse, I felt, for the first two hours of my first packing (packing of things I wanted to have shipped across before I got there). I was quite emotional (read: grumpy) as I had to decide what clothes to pack, what clothes to leave behind. The intensity of my emotionality was due in part to the idea of a new adventure, but also in part to the attachment I felt to my stuff - a lot of which I'd never really used or worn like I'd intended. After about 2 hours of wrestling, I suddenly realized this most amazing truth: I AM NOT MY CLOTHES or my things or my possessions. I am just a steward of these things, temporarily; and with regard to a lot of things, I have been a very selfish steward. So I ended up dumping 4/5 black bags of clothes to the Sister and her Roommate, and giving away random bits and pieces. What a blessing to be reminded that ultimately I am more than inanimate objects linked to my name, and what great perspective to gain.

- It's been so lovely passing on my things. Quite a few people asked whether I didn't want to hold onto my things till I came back - I suppose I could've, but at the same time I don't know if I'll be coming back straight away; also, I'm tired of my stuff not being used while waiting for me. Like I said in my previous point, I came to realize that in the same way that my things do not define who I am, I am not the definer of my things. It is all God's, and He has graciously allowed me to use things for a while. Now, my purpose with them is done, so it's time for pass them on to others who can use them better.

- At one point, as I looked at the hundreds, indeed thousands, quite possibly, rands worth of stuff I was giving/ packing away in books, clothes, random bits and pieces I thought I needed, I felt quite sick to the stomach. All this stuff that I'd spent hours deciding whether to buy or not, the money I eventually ended up handing over, that dress that was slightly too big that I'd bought anyway 'cause it'd been on sale (that I'd ended up wearing only once or twice)... This whole process has really made me reconsider my purchasing habits. I've become a habitual impulse shopper in the last two years, I've realized, not because I need new clothes, but because I have money so I can spend it. It's been really great having this lesson hit home before I go over and start spending more money as I settle into a new place. I need to be far more firm and practical with the way I spend money.

- It's not easy, I must say, the initial parting from my clothes. I remember, I was taking two bags over to the Sister, and just before she came down, I was scrounging through the bags again just in case I'd missed one of my favourites.. I almost ended up taking a few items back, but I had to give myself a stern talk to leave it alone :) But it was more out of force of habit, than anything really. At this point in time, I've long forgotten most of the clothes I've given away, and I don't miss anything. So just because you don't feel like it initially, it's good to break through to a new habit :) I've decided to do this possession assessment once every year and give away stuff I'm not using!

To end off, I found this most beautifully poetic verse in the Psalms that has been such a joy, encouragement, rebuke, gift from God to encourage me in my understanding of generosity and stewardship:

Whom have I in Heaven but You
And being with You, I desire nothing on earth.
- Psalm 73:25

Opportunities

2011-07-11T22:09:00.002+02:00

So I'm going to England at the end of the year on a somewhat prestigious Scholarship. Every now and then I get beset by insecurities - did I really deserve it, or was I chosen because I'm an Asian, or because I'm a girl, or because I'm an Asian girl?

Princess S reminded me of this liberating truth today:

It doesn't matter if you're the best or not; it depends on God's will.

Quotes for the morning

2011-07-02T07:22:00.001+02:00

If we find God boring, we are like five-year-olds who find sex boring. The problem is not with sex.

- John Piper

"A blank piece of paper is God's way of telling us how hard it is to be God." Sidney Sheldon

Blessed Be Your Name

2011-06-30T16:32:00.003+02:00

I just got sent Matt Redman's 'Blessed be Your Name' by the lovely Miss L, and I realized that I'd forgotten how much I love this song.

So beautiful.

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Because it's been such a long time since I've heard this song, I paid more careful attention to the words. This refrain hit my ear in a fresh way:

You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

My heart will CHOOSE to say.

Choose wisely :) And don't forget, whatever you're going through, you do have a choice in how you respond.

Obsession

2011-06-26T22:38:00.003+02:00

David Crowder - Obsession

What can I do with my obsession
With the things I cannot see
Is there madness in my being?
Is it the wind that moves the trees?
Sometimes You're further than the moon;
Sometimes You're closer than my skin
And You surround me like a winter fog
You've come and burned me with a kiss

And my heart burns for You
And my heart burns... for You

And I'm so filthy with my sin
I carry pride like a disease
You know I'm stubborn, Lord, and I'm longing to be close
You burn me deeper than I know
And I feel lonely without hope
And I feel desperate without vision
You wrap around me like a winter coat
You come and free me like a bird

Prayer request

2011-06-26T22:31:00.001+02:00

My friend's brother was in a massive car accident last night. Please pray. It doesn't look good.

A cost-benefit analysis

2011-06-26T22:10:00.003+02:00

Cost-benefit analysis (CBA) [...] is used in the assessment of whether a proposed project, programme or policy is worth doing, or to choose between several alternative ones. It involves comparing the total expected costs of each option against the total expected benefits, to see whether the benefits outweigh the costs, and by how much.
- Wikipedia 'Cost-benefit'

This week, my church is participating in two different missions: one, by the sea, and another, here. Our youth group is running the one here, so tonight at church, we saw a few more youthful faces than we usually do. At one point, the minister asked them why they were participating in the week's activities, especially as they were giving up a week of their holidays to do so:

One: "'Cause I love working with little children."
Another: "Because we can teach others about Christianity and inspire them."

Then, someone: "'Cause God's worth it."

'Cause God's worth it.

The answer really placed the 'cost' of giving up a week holiday in perspective. It made me wonder again about my attitude... how I've been counting cost above benefit lately.

What comfort can be found in this short phrase - God IS worth it.

Amen.

How great Thou art!

2011-06-19T22:19:00.003+02:00

You might not see him, because he is so small, but on the shore stands a man. A monk, to be exact.

I don't think we're meant to notice him.

He is not the focal point. In fact, he's looking away from us, towards the beauty of the elements, of the nature around him; and in so doing guides our own vision toward the enormity, the grandeur and the overwhelming beauty of the sky and the sea.

Moreover, we're told that he is a monk in the title of the picture. I like to think he's contemplating how the things he sees are such gripping reflections of One he cannot yet see. I like to imagine he knows God personally, and he's able to direct his praise to the One who has created all.

I love this picture especially, because it reminds me of who I am before God: nothing. In comparison to His eternal character and being, I am just a person who once upon a time for a splitsecond of an eternity stood upon a beach somewhere, in awe.

And then, I want to sing :)

O Lord my God! when I in awesome wonder
Consider all the worlds Thy hands have made,
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed:

Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to Thee:
How great Thou art, how great Thou art!
Then sings my soul! my Savior God, to Thee:
How great Thou art, how great Thou art!

When through the woods and forest glades I wander
And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees;
When I look down from lofty mountain grandeur
And hear the brook and feel the gentle breeze:

Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to Thee:
How great Thou art, how great Thou art!
Then sings my soul! my Savior God, to Thee:
How great Thou art, how great Thou art!

And when I think that God, His Son not sparing,
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;
That on the cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin:

Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to Thee:
How great Thou art, how great Thou art!
Then sings my soul! my Savior God, to Thee:
How great Thou art, how great Thou art!

When Christ shall come with shout of acclamation
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart!
Then I shall bow in humble adoration,
And there proclaim, my God, how great Thou art!

Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to Thee:
How great Thou art, how great Thou art!
Then sings my soul! my Savior God, to Thee:
How great Thou art, how great Thou art!

PS I found this picture somewhere, on someone's website some time ago. I don't know what the name or the title is anymore. I'm sorry.

God continues His work

2011-06-19T22:10:00.003+02:00

TheresALotThatNeedsToBeWrittenHereBecauseIveBeenPrivilegedToHaveHadSomeReallyGoodConversationsWithPeopleInTheLastFewDaysAndWithGodAsWellAsSomeReallyIntenseThoughtSessions:

StuffAboutMyself,MyInsecurities,MyDesiresAndAmbitions,MyThoughtsAndEmotions. StuffAboutGod,AboutWhatIThinkOfHim. StuffAboutPeopleAndHowIInteractAndPerceiveThem.

RealizingAllOfThisHasBeenFruitfulButCrushingAndOverwhelmingAndThoughtProvokingAndHumbling.

At the same time, God remains to be praised:

You never abandon what You have begun. Make perfect my imperfections.
- via St_Augustine's Twitter Account

I'm not where I want to be. But, hopefully, I'm not what I used to be.

Happy Fathers' Day

2011-06-19T22:05:00.002+02:00

While trawling the mall yesterday, I saw a number of cutesy things to buy for Father's Day.

My favourite 'spotted' item, which I thought really apt for our relationship with God was a mug bearing the following words
"For someone who may be my father, but who I call dad."

Abba, Father.

afterthought: in sickness or health...

2011-06-13T19:59:00.002+02:00

Having said everything I said yesterday, I must be fair and confess that in my arrogance, I only listen to God when I'm broken and on my knees.

in sickness or health...

2011-06-12T22:04:00.004+02:00

Since second year at varsity, I've fallen prone to illness a number of times. In fact, in my second year and third year, I had sinusitis about 6/7 times each year (and each time I had to take antibiotics).

I finally figured out it's the dairy that's causing many of such issues, so now Life 2.0 is going a bit better. I still get ill quite regularly though.

In short, as one of my guy friends so earnestly remarked: "It's a good thing you're not living in the wild, 'cause otherwise you'd be dead by now. Survival of the fittest, you know?"

And this constant battle with my health has taken a toll that I didn't fully realize till tonight.

As I was sitting with the usual (headache, dripping nose, dripping post nasal drip, pressure in ears : the joys of sinusitis), waiting for prayer meeting to begin, I wondered why I never brought up my health as something to pray about it. Part of it was that I'm sick so frequently, it'd be a bit of schlep, but more importantly, I realized that although I have no doubt that God has the power to assure my eternal salvation, I'm actually not convinced about His being able to bring my physical body healing. When I get better, it's not 'cause I believe God has healed me, but rather the inevitable progress of the happy little fighter cells in my body.

But no, I told myself, I know that God has enough power! Jesus so clearly demonstrated this in the gospels, where he is shown to have power over illness, death, the elements, and people and spirits.

Then I realized that there's another level of disappointment within me: I feel now as though being sick is inevitable, and it's crippled my heart to the point where I don't think God cares enough to heal my physical being: That eternal life is enough, and so I should be satisfied with that. That I can't ask for more. That even if I were to, He'd say no.

What a feeble, sad, half-God I'm serving in my head, one that is clearly at odds with the loving, omnipotent Father in the Bible.

my way or Your way

2011-06-12T21:19:00.001+02:00

If you believe what you like in the gospels, and reject what you don't like, it is not the gospel you believe, but yourself.

- attributed to St Augustine on Twitter

Sanctuary

2011-06-05T22:32:00.005+02:00

Sanctuary: [...] a right to be safe from arrest in the sanctuary of a church or temple, recognized by English law from the fourth to the seventeenth century.
- Wikipedia

"The church is full of weirdos. This shouldn't surprise you. The Rotary club won't have them; the athletics club won't take them. But the church - the church takes them all in."
- Frank Retief

Even though the church no longer legally provides sanctuary, it's good to know that the body of Christ still performs a role as a place of refuge, albeit socially.

What a glorious picture of grace.

the attitude of serving

2011-06-05T22:19:00.002+02:00

You will certainly carry out God’s purpose, but it makes a difference to you whether you serve like Judas or like John

via @CSLewisDaily on Twitter

Jesus' blood never failed me yet

2011-06-03T21:50:00.003+02:00

I'm feeling a little homesick tonight, hearkening to a home I don't really know, but hope and pray for.

Gavin Bryar's Jesus' Blood Never Failed Me Yet (link to Wikipedia page here).

It's very simple - a clip of a homeless man singing the simple chorus "Jesus' Blood Never Failed Me Yet" that is gradually overlaid with instrumental tracks. It's very long (it unfolds slowly over 25 minutes), but a few verses are enough to be reminded of the simple truth:

Jesus' blood never failed me yet
Never failed me yet
Jesus' blood never failed me yet

This one thing I know
that He loves me so

[Watch/listen to the Tom Waits version here]

God is good. All the time.

“Lord, to whom shall we go?"

2011-06-01T19:47:00.003+02:00

I've come to realize more and more that there is no-one apart from Jesus Christ.

In my despair, in my fear, in my hopelessness it is to Jesus I cling, desperately reminding myself and the emotion that tries to sinfully wrest me away from Him that there is no-one else who can compare.

Sometimes I do not follow Him willing. Quite often, my sinful self wants to rebel. More often than not, I do. But I cannot turn away completely - because I am helpless without Him.

I cannot turn away - because He is all I have.

I cannot turn away - because without Him, I am nothing.

Why?

Simon Peter says it best.

From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.

“You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.

Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.”

- John 6:66-69

Aligning hearts

2011-05-31T08:44:00.004+02:00

The lovely Miss L sent me an news update from her friend about her struggles to get funding for some overseas flights. I found the most beautifully sentiment expressed in it:

I was convinced, however, that if going there was what God wanted me to do, He would provide. And if He didn’t want it, then I didn’t want to go anyway!

I absolutely love it. I am often disappointed or upset when things don't turn out the way I want or think they should. But here, the friend responds in faith and contentment, surrendering her plans to the Lord:"And if He didn’t want it, then I didn’t want to go anyway!" If only we were always so content and confident in God! If only we always believed that He knows what is best for us!

Dear God

please help my heart to align itself with Your plans for me today.

Amen.

"Lie to Me"

2011-05-30T09:51:00.005+02:00

I was introduced to the series "Lie to Me" on Friday, and proceeded to watch a number of episodes over the weekend. I tend to get obsessed with series, and this one's particularly thought-provoking. It follows the work of Dr Lightman, who's an expert in reading people through body language, especially micro-expressions. As he says: "the body never lies", and so, case after case, he's able to reveal and unravel the lies of anarchists, murderers, serial rapists, and ordinary citizens.

There was one episode that made a huge impact on me (read: mildly traumatized me). It was about a really good-looking pathological liar who'd trick girls into trusting him. He'd then blind them with acid and rape them. It didn't help my already nervous temperament that a half hour after we stopped watching (read: I actually spent half the episode under a blanket with my fingers in my ears), that the lights went out in the entire neighbourhood. Great irony in retrospect, but it wasn't so funny at the time. Thoughts run wild in the dark - so I started wondering whether I could ever trust anyone ever again. Especially if they were strangers. Good-looking ones. And male.

Fortunately, in the gentle light of the next morning, I was able to laugh a little at myself. Yet, although my slight terror had arisen from my fixation on the one extreme consequence of being lied to, the series as a whole was a sobering reminder of how our interactions daily are so entangled with minor lies and/ or major deceptions. The main message I was left with was that everyone lies - it's just that not everyone gets caught.

Furthermore, the series just confirmed what I'd experienced myself. Human relationships have ruined me. People have betrayed me, intentionally and unintentionally; and now I, like many others, hesitate before I trust someone fully. I no longer trust anyone with the simplicity that I used to when I was 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 years old etc. [In fact, I kept on mistakenly calling the series "Don't Lie to Me" - an unintentional, but revealing, indication of how I feel about lies and truth.]

What a wonderful happenstance it was to walk into church last night, while I was still pondering all these things, to hear the speaker talk about the trustworthiness of God based on Habakkuk's response in Habakkuk 3. In the face of complete poverty and hardship, Habakkuk iterates that it is in the Lord he will carry on having joy:

Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to tread on the heights. (Habakkuk 3:17-19)

How can this be? If you were in the same situation, wouldn't you think that God had betrayed you? I certainly would. I've been mad, angry, confused for less.

But Habakkuk continues to praise God because he remembers who God is, and what He is capable of

LORD, I have heard of your fame;
I stand in awe of your deeds, LORD.
Repeat them in our day,
in our time make them known;
in wrath remember mercy. (Habakkuk 3:2)

God has proven Himself over and over again to be trustworthy. Again and again, Habakkuk is reminded how God has previously rescued them from their enemies - and it is this history that comforts him in this confusing time of turmoil and troubles.

Similarly, how amazing is it for us to be able to be in a relationship with a trustworthy God - One who has proven his ultimate trustworthiness through what He has done for us through Jesus's death on the cross! Where other people might let us down/ have let us down, God will never. As Romans exhorts us to remember:

He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? Who will bring a charge against God’s elect? God is the one who justifies; who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
Just as it is written,
“FOR YOUR SAKE WE ARE BEING PUT TO DEATH ALL DAY LONG;
WE WERE CONSIDERED AS SHEEP TO BE SLAUGHTERED.”
But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:32-39)

Amen.

The Selfless Conversationalist

2011-05-29T22:50:00.005+02:00

I quite enjoy talking about myself; not so much listening to other people. I tend to interrupt others in their train of thought, because I get impatient to share my thoughts and my ideas. I fill in other people's thoughts and words when they take too long. In short: I'm quite a selfish conversationalist.

God has recently been teaching me how to be more selfless in paying attention to others, instead of bombarding them with me, me, me. For example, I've become good friends with two stutterers, and now I really try to make an effort to not steal words and fill in gaps because for them completing a word can often be a hard-won victory. Another friend and I have been having chats about what it means to be a good conversationalist (and he's got the most phenomenal listening skills, so I reassured him that he's got the hard part of talking right - the listening) and that's been really helpful in reminding myself about what actions are beneficial and helpful in conversation with others.

But I'm not going to lie. It is heavy going being a selfless conversationalist. Listening properly - with careful attention and consideration of someone else's thoughts, engaging so that you can respond to what they're saying and not what you think they're saying - is draining. With all the effort and concentration to listen to someone properly, no wonder people don't bother doing it too often.

But doing it properly can bring such rewards to yourself and to your conversation partner, there really is no point in not working on it. And I believe that listening properly to others in a world that doesn't listen at all can be such a picture of grace :)

Adoption info session in August

2011-05-29T22:45:00.002+02:00

I've been thinking about adoption for a few years now (even though I'm waaaaaaaay not responsible enough to be having any kids for a while!) and for some reason, I've been telling everyone lately that I want to have an orphanage by the age of 30, or I want to have adopted someone :).

The reason I'm superexcited right now is 'cause I just saw a poster today that on August 17 there's going to be an adoption day info and thinking-through session in Cape Town. If you're interested and wanna come with, drop me an email!

the Rapture and Harold Camping

2011-05-24T15:17:00.005+02:00

I don't really want to rehash anything about the failed materialization of the Rapture on May 21 as predicted by Harold Camping, a radio presenter and preacher in America. If you like'd to know more, you just need to google those keywords.

But this - this is what I wanted to share: the morning after the world didn't end.

It's an article and photos by someone who claims to be the first journalist to talk to Mr Camping after the event. And the sad thing is, it's evident that Harold Camping didn't create this prophecy maliciously - he really believed in it. Just like his followers.

How tragically sad, to believe so earnestly in something. Yet, it's so evident that it doesn't matter how sincerely you believe something - you can be sincerely wrong..

"Home is home" - just an anecdote

2011-05-24T09:43:00.005+02:00

Carin and I were at Panarottis last night (yum yum), where a very friendly waitor served us. The place was quiet, so he was able to spend time chatting every now and then instead of moving off to other tables.

Out of curiosity, I asked him where he came from. The answer: "Zimbabwe". He'd been here for the last three years.

I'm become increasingly curious about people's attachment to their home countries since I'll be heading elsewhere at the end of the year, so I asked: "Do you miss it?"

"Yes," he said, his big smile fading, and a sadness dropping over his eyes. His voice softened. "Yes. I'm just here to make money. As soon as I have enough, I'll go back... Home is home."

His homesickness was so palpable, I couldn't stop thinking about him as I walked out of the restaurant later. "Maybe", I said to Carin, grasping on straws, "we could've given him a bigger tip so he has more money so he can get back home quicker."

Carin's response brought his sadness into perspective for us as Christians: "Just seeing him like that is just such a strong reminder of how we should also be, you know, as Christians: aliens and strangers in this world. Missing home. This isn't it."

"Home is home". And this Earth isn't it. Remember that as you're faced with difficulties and troubles today.

life.death

2011-05-22T22:34:00.007+02:00

Tonight, the preacher started by asking us to turn to a friend to discuss what we'd be living for if we didn't have faith.

The friend I was sitting next to is reasonably pedantic at times - so am I - so we spent the first few seconds being confused by the question: surely everyone lived by faith in something, even if it wasn't God? Then, somehow, we ended up re-interpreting his question as "what we'd be doing right now if we weren't at church".

My friend's response: "Well, I'd be dead."
Me: "Really?"
My friend: "Yes. I know myself. I'd have killed myself a long time ago."

It was a humbling moment of honesty - one I could identify with.

I'd had suicidal thoughts throughout my teenage years - anger, frustration, despair drove me at times to wonder what it'd be like to leave this world and its hurts, anguish and pain behind. I have one especially clear memory of a tumultuous evening in grade 11, when death seemed particularly enticing. I thought about it more seriously than I ever had, going through various options and trying to figure out which method was easiest (and cheapest!).

But for some reason, something said inside me: "NO. There's something more to life. Don't." A switch seemed to turn on inside me, and suddenly thoughts of death no longer seemed an option. I'd never before felt such a strong conviction that this would be a terrible mistake.

A few months later, I gave my life to Jesus. I wasn't expecting Him to be the answer - I already thought I was a Christian.

But since then, death has no longer been an option - whether I bring it upon myself physically, or, as an inevitable consequence of my spiritual rebellion and sin.

My friend's answer reminded me how some people, like myself, have been given life by Jesus multiple times: at birth as a baby, at birth as a Christian, and in saving myself from myself.

So if I stand, let me stand on the promise that you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace that first brought me to You

- Jars of Clay "If I stand"

[thanks to Marcus for the song lyrics]

God's love...

2011-05-21T21:54:00.002+02:00

I can't brag about my love for God because I fail Him daily, but I can brag about His love for me because it never fails.

- Owl City (yip, the pop act) via his Twitter

God's been saying a lot to me lately about His love for me. I must ponder these things, but I will write again.

The Weight of Glory

2011-05-19T16:56:00.003+02:00

I've just finished reading C. S. Lewis' essay "The Weight of Glory", and all I can say is... Wow. God really gifted him with insight and with writing ability.

I've included the link above, so while you click on it and open up the PDF, I leave you with some winning quotes :)

If you asked twenty good men to-day what they thought the highest of
the virtues, nineteen of them would reply, Unselfishness. But if you asked almost any of the great Christians of old he would have replied, Love.
You see what has happened? A negative term has been substituted for a positive, and this is of more than philological importance. The negative ideal of Unselfishness carries with it the suggestion not primarily of securing good things for others, but of going without them ourselves, as if our abstinence and not their happiness was the important point

we remain conscious of a desire which no natural happiness will satisfy. But is there any reason to suppose that reality offers any satisfaction to it? “Nor does the being hungry prove that we have bread.” But I think it may be urged that this misses the point. A man’s physical hunger does not prove that that man will get any bread; he may die of starvation on a raft in the Atlantic. But surely a man’s hunger does prove that he comes of a race which repairs its body by eating and inhabits a world where eatable substances exist. In the same way, though I do not believe (I wish I did)that my desire for Paradise proves that I shall enjoy it, I think it a pretty good indication that such a thing exists and that some men will.

It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to
may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted
to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all,
only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one
or other of these destinations.

[Thanks to JP for the link to the PDF :)]

The 4 G's of God

2011-05-19T08:28:00.002+02:00

Truths to hold on to in face of deceitful lies and sin's temptation:

God is great - so we do not have to be in control.
God is good - so we do not have to look elsewhere.
God is glorious - so we do not have to fear others.
God is gracious - so we do not have to prove ourselves. *

Two ways to respond to temptation:

First we need to nurture our trust in God's greatness, fear of God's glory, delight in God's goodness, longing for God's future, rest in God's grace.We need to do this day by day through the word, prayer and the Christian community [...].

Second, when we face temptation we need to say not only 'I should not do this', but also 'I need not do this'.
[...]
To say to temptation I must not do this' is legalism. To say 'I need not do this because God is bigger and better' is good news. *

The last poin reminds me of something I wrote yesterday: "If you've spent your life following the god of the air, giving into your sinful desires and commands, to find yourself in the land of the light as a child of God is a complete surprise. How does one act then? If, for instance, you've given in to anger consistently, answering someone gently might not even enter your mind. And what would gentle look like anyway?" [see post here]

It's so refreshing being told: Hey, you don't NEED to react the way you always have! There's ANOTHER way of responding!

So do it. Choose Jesus; Choose Life.

* all quotes from Tim Chester's You Can Change

Calvinism and the arts

2011-05-19T08:09:00.002+02:00

"It is the vocation of art, not merely to observe everything visible and audible, to apprehend it, and reproduce it artistically, but much more to discover in those natural forms the order of the beautiful, and, enriched by this higher knowledge, to produce a beautiful world that transcends the beautiful of nature. And this is what Calvin asserted: viz., that the arts exhibit gifts which God has placed at our disposal, now that, as the sad consequence of sin, the real beautiful has fled from us."

Kuyper - on Calvinism and the arts

[Many thanks to Sam Groves, patient man, who typed that out for me in an email. Follow him and his wife's blog here. Sarah writes the coolest stuff :) And they have many kids, one of them named JEDI. 'Nuff said.]

a word to brothers and to love

2011-05-18T23:57:00.005+02:00

I look up to and respect the Brother like very few other men, even people. In fact, I've said to Princess S before that I will marry the guy who I respect more than my brother; that I will know this hypothetical guy is a keeper if I turn to him ultimately for help instead of my brother.

Part of the reason for my admiration is because of his love for Jesus. He's been a great witness to me and the Sister, always guiding, correcting, rebuking and looking after us. Not only this, he's a great example in his active service of others - doing thoughtful little servant-hearted things that people quite often take for granted. Jesus has completely shaped and changed his life, which is evident from the way he challenges himself and his thinking when it's not in line with the Bible's teachings.

Sure, he's got his faults. I used to tune him a when we were younger about him not listening to other people's sides of things, and not really being gracious in response to errors - he tends to be quite hard.core-. God is changing him, however, and he is also eager to grow.

You can imagine then, how shattering it would be if one of his beloved sisters were to decide to stop being a Christian. I hadn't really thought of the effect on him when I sent out an email with a link to my post entitled 24 April 2011: The night I decided not to be a Christian anymore - Part 1.

He received the email, but had to dash off without reading my post. What I will never forget, though, are his final words to me before he walked out of the door: "Grace, whatever it is you've decided; remember, I still love you."

Even though the post wasn't what he thought it would be, I was completely overwhelmed by his words of love. And then I realized this was because I'd just experienced first hand how God treats human beings and sin: to hate what we do as sinners, but to love who we are as human beings.

My walk is not your walk, but is God's

2011-05-18T15:36:00.004+02:00

A friend just responded to my latest posts via email:

Who is this new author of What about Grace? I don't recognize her from the one I knew last year :)
It's very encouraging and I praise and thank God for it!
Do you remember its about a year and a half ago we both started out with "You can change" - you have changed :)

I can't tell you how pleased I was to hear this. I'd been thinking this morning I hadn't really changed much; in fact, it felt like I was struggling more. After reading this email though, I had to reassess myself and have come to the conclusion: I definitely feel more settled, more confident in God's ability to run my life, and more comfortable about trusting Him than I have in a long time. Last year, I felt like John Mayer's heroine, "walkin' like a one man army/ fighting all the shadows in my head". Now, I'm still fighting, but it's more like a four man army.*

This incident reminded me of something I read a few weeks ago. [I paraphrase now because said friend is borrowing the book.] The author contrasts different types of the Christian walk, and points out: "Some people appear to be ever consistent, progressing steadily in godliness. Others seem to have patches of nothing interspersed with periods of phenomenal growth. Everyone is different."

[Something like that. I'll type it out in full in one of the comments once I get the book back.]

Point is, when I read that, for the first time I realized I might not be the former type as I'd always thought a good Christian should be. And that it was okay.

Sometimes there are stretches where it's hard, painful. There are stretches where I don't read anything or pray, and I want to withdraw and I want to give up. There are stretches where it's easy to be God's child, where I gobble up solid Christian book after another, and have a great phat chat with God throughout the day. Both these stretches are okay, 'cause God is in control. And everyone's path is different.

I'm not saying that we should renounce responsibility for maintaining our relationship with God. This is rather me saying that I've learnt that I need to let go and to trust God with His plan for my life.

Who knows, maybe the rest of the year is going to end up being as severe a drought like last year (where, interestingly, the number of blog posts was also indicative of the amount of time I had for God). God only knows.

But whatever happens, it's for my good. 'Cause He, not me, is in ultimate charge of my growth plan.

*Me, Jesus, God, and the Holy Spirit. They love a good fight.

LGE11

2011-05-18T11:26:00.003+02:00

Today is Local General Elections Voting Day in South Africa :) I'm SUPERstoked even though I can't vote.

Praise God for His kindness towards this country - 20 years ago, safe and democratic elections would've been considered the pipedreams of lunatics.

Happy Voting :)

fruit of the Spirit: a thought on mentoring

2011-05-18T10:50:00.005+02:00

Am I the only one who reads through the passage about the fruit of the Spirit love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control, and wonders: But what does that all mean? What does it mean to be loving? To be kind? To be gentle? To be faithful?

Theoretically, I've got it all down pat. Practically, I'm not quite sure what I'm doing.

I used to answer myself with the thought that I must be all these things like Jesus. But I soon came to realize that unlike Jesus, I can't show love by producing enough loaves to feed 5000 people, I can't die on the cross for them, I can't spend three years teaching and preaching. Sure, in some ways, I will be caring for others, telling them about cross, and sacrificially giving myself up for people, but my acts of grace, kindness, love, sacrifice, will be far smaller, simpler acts. My acts of grace, kindness, love, sacrifice will also take place in a context far from the Ancient Middle East, and this might call me to do things Jesus never did himself. After all, like Edgar Watson Howe wrote: "A boy doesn't have to go to war to be a hero; he can say he doesn't like pie when he sees there isn't enough to go around".

I further came to realize that my past life hadn't prepared me for life as a child of God. If you've spent your life following the god of the air, giving into your sinful desires and commands, to find yourself in the land of the light as a child of God is a complete surprise. How does one act then? If, for instance, you've given in to anger consistently, answering someone gently might not even enter your mind. And what would gentle look like anyway?

This is where God's people can step in to be an example or actively correct you, if needed. [Obviously, it's only God who can change you, but for the purpose of this post, I want to talk about people's responsibilities in modelling that change.]

Sometimes, I do something and people say 'Oh, that was kind' [Hooray, I say, I now have an example of what 'kind' is.] Sometime, I do something and people say 'Oh, that was harsh' [Sorry, I say, I didn't realize - and then I go ponder why it was unkind.]. Sometimes people don't say anything to me, but to each other, and from their reactions to each other I see what kind and gentle etc is.

We are not of night nor of darkness; so then let us not sleep as others do, but let us be alert and sober. For those who sleep do their sleeping at night, and those who get drunk get drunk at night. But since we are of the day, let us be sober, having put on the breastplate of faith and love, and as a helmet, the hope of salvation. For God has not destined us for wrath, but for obtaining salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died for us, so that whether we are awake or asleep, we will live together with Him. Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing.
- 1 Thessalonians 1:5-11

Thank you to those who have been modelling and correcting me :)

I am a rude BB owner

2011-05-18T10:35:00.004+02:00

And in the spirit of taking the moral higher ground, which I do quite often, I get quite offended when other people are texting away on their cellphones in front of me, but it's all perfectly okay when I do it. In fact, I think I probably imagine I'm invisible as soon as I turn my attention to my phone - that can only be the real reason why I let myself do it, when I get so irritated when others do it to me ;)

Here's a great, thought-provoking article on how the increase of digital devices is affecting our manners and politeness: Bad Manners Masquerading as Media.

I particularly found this point about 'Digital Courage' helpful...

There are some things we do in life that are just plain difficult. They require courage; they cannot be easily avoided or delegated. A constant temptation we face, especially in an age of pervasive mediated communication, is to do in mediated form what ought to be done face to face (or to do by text message what ought to be done by phone). We can probably all think of times that we have chosen to communicate via email or text message what we should have said directly.

Ultimately, though, I'm not 100% against having cellphones kept out of conversations. Like Ecclesiastes says: There's a time and a place for everything.

Self-control and grace

2011-05-18T10:06:00.003+02:00

I'm re-reading Tim Chester's book You Can Change, and I've been struck again by his insistence that only Jesus can ultimately change us.

It's been my experience, however, that I quite often end up forgetting this, like Tim Chester points out:

It seems that our first instinct when we want to change is to do something. We think activity will change us. We want a list of do's and dont's. (p.47)

Whenever I want to get something done, my first instinct is to do something RIGHTNOW. If I can't do something about it RIGHTNOW, I get antsy and start drawing up lists and plans, preparing for that moment of RIGHTNOW when I can do something. [Anal, much? Yes.]

Yet, if a recent study in TIME is anything to go by, it appears that there's evidence suggesting that self-control will never get us anywhere:

The prevailing theory is that because self-control is a finite resource, when you deplete it — say by consistently choosing carrots over cupcakes or by refraining from splurging at the shoe store — you're less likely to be able to control urges toward anger or aggression when they arise at inappropriate times.

Then why do we keep on persisting with our little rituals and rules? This, Tim Chester suggests is due to an error in cause and effect. Behaviour doesn't correct behaviour. Heart corrects behaviour:

Our rituals might change our behaviour for a while, but they can't change our hearts. (p.48)

So what now, hey, Tim Chester, what now??

The answer is simple: Stop relying on rules and legalism to change your heart, when you should be loving Jesus more and more so that your heart's desires change focus. He puts it far more eloquently than me, though:

In Greek mythology, the Sirens would sing enchanting songs, drawing sailors irresistibly towards the rocks and certain shipreck. Odysseus filled his crew's ears with wax and had him tie him to the mast. This is like the approach of legalism. We bind ourselves up with laws and disciplines in vain attempt to resist temptation. Orpheus, on the other hand, played such beautiful music on his harp that his sailors ignored the seductions of the Siren song. This is the way of faith. The grace of the gospel sings a far more glorious song than the enticements of sin, if only we have the faith to hear its music. (p.64/65)

--
See previous posts from here onward.

One last post to the actors out there from an almost-one

2011-05-17T21:47:00.006+02:00

Today, I got asked whether I wanted to be a female lead in an indie full-length feature film being shot in Cape Town in July. They needed an Asian South African.. I am an Asian South African. But what about my lack of acting experience? No, no, not to worry, I was told.

Oooh yeah, I love a good adventure; I love a new adventure; I love a random adventure. Never mind the fact I've never acted before in my life (as Jeff-pop later asked: "Not even a school play?" "No." "Not even a little play at church?" "No".)

But, indie, a voice whispered in my head; it's basically a synonym for SNL nowadays. I started reading the script, and yip, there it was. Not that it was gratuitous; not that there was even a lot of it; but it was very real. After all, my character was married and in a relationship with someone else. A stark representation of the mundanity of life, intertwined as my story was with the story of another couple - and it'd be something I'd ordinarily be quite interested in watching. I'm the first to say that as Christians we need to be engaging in the realness of the world; I'm the first to say that as Christian artists we should be portraying the fallenness of humanity, but now having to consider myself in the position of someone actually acting this out, I suddenly started thinking about the job of an actor in a much more sober light.

It must be really really really hard being a Christian actor or actress, having to navigate the fine-line between reality and fiction. It must be really really really hard balancing the Christian call to be a light, yet to be a good actor in the roles you take upon to reflect a fallen world.

Kudos to you - I don't know any, sadly - but if you are one, tonight, I'll be praying for you.

Sleeptime thought

2011-05-17T21:39:00.000+02:00

Gospel Implications: Because Jesus is your righteousness; fret less, pretend less, strive less, doubt less, sleep better

- Scotty Ward Smith (via his Twitter)

The Admin Lady

2011-05-17T15:34:00.002+02:00

We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

- Romans 5:3-4

Doesn't that sound nice? YES, let's face suffering with courage because we know that it's only going to make us more like Jesus!

But sometimes, you realize it only sounds nice in theory - especially when you're facing heaps of admin, you'd rather the suffering was facing someone else.

There are some people who are gifted at admin and who love it. There're some people who are gifted at admin and who abhor it. There're some people who neither enjoy admin nor at gifted at it. You either want to be Type 1 ('cause then you'll love what you do), or Type 3 ('cause then no-one expects you to do your own admin or theirs).

Unfortunately, I'm type 2. Which means I quite often get volunteered into admin.

Yesterday, I found myself sitting with a lot of admin. Great. Lots of nitty-gritty emails to be sent out - stuff that I'd been avoiding for ages. I foresaw the whole day being spent in from of the computer *sadness*

But I decided to change my attitude, and be excited for this opportunity to practise my perseverance. There was a lot of prayer involved, but soon I felt quite pleased about exercising my admin muscle.

I felt so chuffed with my attitude, I tweeted the following:

Hate cold-calling. But. Good practise for my patience and overall calmness :)

.

Two seconds later, a friend of mine messaged me about our trip to England, a bit down in the dumps about all our upcoming admin: "Cellphone stuff. Shipping of personal belongings. Banktasks. Calculating of finances.. Great stuff. Not even to mention VISAs."

Have I mentioned previously how God enjoys irony?

Sin and grace

2011-05-17T08:57:00.003+02:00

When I was younger, I used to be far more judgemental about other people's sin. It came from an arrogant mistakenness about my own levels of super-humanness, really. And because God shielded me with his strength, I suppose, only allowing me to endure what a baby Christian could endure.

But nowadays, having fallen so often and at the most ridiculous things, I instead think to myself "There for the grace of God I go."

There is a story to this - there are many stories to this - but this is not the time and place. This is just a reminder of Ephesians 2:8

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God

.

And it is grace that will keep us. Do not reject His grace today. Amen.

Thought for today

2011-05-17T08:56:00.000+02:00

The danger with 'cultural Christianity': it sells Jesus as Savior, without demanding Jesus as Lord.You can't have the one without the other.

- Johan Verster via his Twitter account

I prayed for YOU today

2011-05-17T08:43:00.001+02:00

[I might have plagiarised from Paul, but he did say it so nice]

14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

I hope God blows your mind today with His awesomeness!

On Slavery

2011-05-16T07:49:00.003+02:00

My lovely Princess S married her Prince J a few months back, so now they both look out for me :) J sent me a few words of encouragement recently in response to a post I'd written about giving up as a Christian a while back; particularly, my following sentence:

"No matter how much I mess up, it's not up to me to call the shots - the only one who can ever tell me to quit is God. And He never will."

Who wouldda thought the words of encouragement would be on SLAVERY? This is what J had to say:

Last week I had the pleasure of listening to some sermons as I drove around Jo'burg. In one of the messages Tim Keller spent a decent chunk of time defining slavery. Our modern understanding of slavery is largely "race-based African/Indian slavery" which was essentially kidnapping, oppression and abuse (all of which God is clearly against). As we read scripture though, slavery is not always/not necessarily cast in a bad light, because the slavery of the day was very different from now. A slave was not necessarily poor - in fact a person could sell themselves into slavery to better their economic standing! Many slaves owned slaves. Slaves were not distinguishable by their clothing or by markings or by race or any such thing. They could own things, and were essentially managers and stewards of other people's assets, to increase these. They could therefore also manage their own things profitably and sometimes even then buy themselves out of slavery. So, at this point in the sermon, I thought: "What's the difference between a servant and a slave? They sound exactly the same... " In good preaching planning, the next sentence brought up this question and Keller proceeded to address it.

Scripture distinguishes between slaves and servants. Throughout the New Testament, we are described as slaves of [God, Christ, the gospel, each other]. Most English translations soften the word "doulos" to "servant", but that's wrong because it means "slave", and "servant" has its own word. (I'll say "apparently", because I've no knowledge of Greek.)

The difference (The Conclusion I hope will be nutritious) is that a slave can not quit.

At any time, a servant may hand in his resignation and leave on equal terms. But a slave can not quit.

So, you are correct in saying it is not up to you. For us, who have been bought out of slavery to sin (we could not quit that), we are now slaves of Christ. We are to serve (and we are free to serve) Him, and people, according to His command of love. We are not allowed to quit, and we find that this is a great safety and encouragement when we belong to the wisest, most loving and sovereign Master.

I've never been grateful before for being called a slave!

Just a thought

2011-05-15T21:49:00.001+02:00

I've been praying a lot recently. It is good with my heart. Now I must actually give God a chance and let Him talk to me through His Word :) There's nothing suckier than being in a relationship with a monologuer ;)

Good day, good day :)

2011-05-09T10:10:00.002+02:00

Having a good day. Feeling far more focussed and less frenetic than I have been in a while. Think it's 'cause I had a good chat with God this morning as I was gymming. :) Luckily for me, God hears me wherever I am, whether my eyes are open or not, whether I'm praying out loud or quietly :)

Update

2011-05-02T08:23:00.003+02:00

Oh my. So last night I went to bed, having written this post, completely saddened by the current state of the world, the dictators, tyranny, oppression, injustice.

I wake up this morning, and my Twitter's going crazy.

Osama Bin Laden had been killed during the (South African) night.

What a terrifying reminder of God's sovereignty and His justice.

[See some comments on Mark Driscoll's FB page here: "The cheering crowds remind us that justice is glorious & comes ultimately through Jesus cross or hell. Justice wins" and here: Romans 13 "there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God...if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God’s wrath on the wrongdoer."]

"the whole creation has been groaning"

2011-05-01T22:38:00.004+02:00

I was asked to pray a prayer of intercession tonight at church. Below, some of it:

In the global context, Father, it seems as if every day the list grows longer of countries that are rising up against dictators or oppressive governments. We praise You for having created humans in your image, humans who know the difference between justice and evil, freedom and oppression, but Father, this has led to horrific accounts of violence, deaths, oppression in the Middle East and Africa in countries like Syria, Yemen, Tunisia, Uganda, Cote d’Ivoire, Nigeria, Zimbabwe. We pray for your people in these countries, that they will hold firm to Your Word and to Your Sovereignty, and we pray for Your Will to be done.

Father God, we also pray that people in these contexts and around us will realize that true freedom is only to be found in you, that no matter what they do to fight evil in this lifetime, evil can only be ultimately defeated by what you have done in Jesus. Romans 8 reminds us that “the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.”

In doing prep work on the various countries, I grew increasingly saddened. So many countries on this Guardian.co.uk map, and so many countries mentioned in this Foreign Policy article on the events in THIS WEEK ALONE. I was going to list more in my prayer, then realized that I'd be listing most of the countries in Africa and in the Middle East.

Oh Lord, your creation is moaning.

Works-based Grace (me)

2011-05-01T07:41:00.004+02:00

Lady L tells me last night that she's a bit worried - that my latest posts and emails have been sounding like 'do, do, do, do, do, do, do'. She didn't say it as such, but in a 'do, do, do, do' focus it's very easy to slip into a works-based faith.

I've been going through all of my posts in my recent label-tagging frenzy (sorry for anyone whose RSS feed went crazy), and I realize she's right.

So again, like Sophie said, I'm actually really really going to have to just chill, just love Jesus, and be strong in Him and His faithfulness and grace instead of being anxious and overthinking what I can do to deserve being His child. [not that I was consciously thinking this, but yes, in closer examination of my subconscious, I do kinda think that you must do things for people to like you.. so I might be struggling with the concept of grace. I hate it when people do things for me 'cause then I sorta feel like I need to reciprocate to the same amount to cancel out my debt to them.]

Ummm. Hmmm.

This might be harder than I thought.

mediocrity

2011-04-28T20:25:00.004+02:00

Aah. In light of my previous post on ambition, and several posts before that on not being a half-and-half person, a forwarded email from Kyle 'The Man' Johnston was particularly timely.

Few people aspire to mediocrity. But they often drift into it because the temptation to cut corners and take the easy route is often not recognized. It’s not recognized because it’s often veiled in the advice to “be reasonable.”

But if you are going to be effective — that is, if you are going to truly serve people well (which is what effectiveness is about), then you can’t settle for being reasonable. You have to go the extra mile.

significant others and ambition

2011-04-28T19:41:00.004+02:00

the groom (an overachiever of note) told of how he nearly broke things off with my friend because he felt she wasn't ambitious enough. intense! but understandable given the incredible business and personal achievements the groom had racked up in his short life. but then the groom told of how his wife-to-be-then responded, she said "No, you're wrong. I am ambitious. My ambition is to love my neighbour as myself".
BOOM. game over.

- from the lovely Lauren's blog

Confession: if there's anyone who I am more like in the story, it's the groom. Not that I'm that much of an overachiever, but because I'm starting to struggle increasingly more with pride, status anxiety etc...

For a long time, I've thought about who I might possibly end up with one day (if marriage is on the cards), and I've come to realize now that the characteristics I'd listed were along the line of the world's definition of success. Some of my preferences are definitely wisdom choices, but some of them were just.. unimportant, really.

Reading La's friends' story was such a helpful antidote because of the way that the girl so gently and firmly reminds the guy of what priorities are in life.

Here's to ambition, hoorah hoorah. I'm rewriting my list so that it has one thing on it: Main ambition in life must be to be more like Jesus Christ every day.

hate: a thought

2011-04-27T09:12:00.004+02:00

So many people think that the commands to Love the Lord your God and Love your neighbour means that the Bible thinks that hate is bad.

Not so.

There are many things we are called to hate. Sin, injustice, prejudice, murder, evil, wickedness, dishonesty, corruption...

Remember this.

an orphan heart versus heart of a son

2011-04-27T08:54:00.003+02:00

I had lunch with a friend the other day, and we were talking about our struggles as Children of God. She shared that because of her fractured relationship with her parents, one of her biggest challenges was accepting God was a loving Father, Someone who cared for her deeply, Someone she could rely on in times of trouble and need.

Unfortunately, this is a truth for many of the believers in the world - even more so as families are increasingly falling apart, and the family unit as pictured in the Bible (a happy, loving, godly family unit) is become harder to find.

At this point, I want to point you to my friend Lauren's blog, and a post she recently put up about the Heart of an Orphan versus the Heart of Sonship.

What I love about it is that it compares and contrasts what it's like being a Fatherless child, and a child with a Father. It's not a prescriptive list, but just something useful to think through. e.g., in the category of "Image of God", it has 'See God as Master' for an Orphan, and 'See God as a loving Father' as Son. In the category of 'Self-image', the Orphan has 'Self-rejection from comparing yourself to others' to the Son 'Positive and affirmed because you know you have such value to God.

I think I'm going to print it out and put it up somewhere :) That way, when I fall into the habit of thinking like an Orphan, I can say to myself, No, think like a Daughter!

24 April 2011: The night I decided not to be a Christian anymore - Part 2

2011-04-26T10:29:00.003+02:00

I'd never seriously contemplated giving up - I'm no quitter. Especially if someone tells me I can't do something. But something was saying in me, Walk away, you are not good enough, you can't ever please God, you're going to carry on hurting Him, and carry on failing. You're an adultress, an idolater. Against that, another voice was whispering, quieter, stiller, weaker, Just hold on, don't believe the lies, God's grace is sufficient for you. Don't listen to the lies. Hold on.

The song ended, and I left the hall with everyone else. I wanted to tell someone, anyone, and ask them to pray with me, but at the same time, I suddenly realized that this was a battle I had to fight for myself. I felt like Jacob, wrestling with the Lord in the middle of the night. No-one else could be Jacob in my place.

It was a long night in many ways, but a good one. As I sat by the window, looking out at the lights sparkling in the city, I realized two very big things:

1). One of the biggest problems illuminated by this situation was that I make everything about myself. I felt unable to trust my own faithfulness, unable to trust in my own my own power in keeping focused on God. Meanwhile, it's only through God's power that I have come to know Him, and only through His power I will remain in Him. He is the one who provides the power with which I live daily for His glory. No matter how much I mess up, it's not up to me to call the shots - the only one who can ever tell me to quit is God. And He never will.

2). I had cheapened grace. My eyes had turned inwards, towards my sinfulness, away from Jesus and His sacrifice in making me white like bleach before Him. Yes, there are very few human partners who are able to deal with unfaithfulness, but our God is a loving and compassionate God, slow to anger. He is bigger than anything I can thow at Him, and His love for me through Jesus surpasses any of my iniquities, future, past and present.

The decision to walk away from God, as short as it had lasted in 5 minutes, was the best thing that could've happened to me. It's not something that would've worked so well for everyone as a shock into thinking and assessing their lifestyles, but it really opened my eyes to my tiredness of living a half-and-half life. I have realized that as much as I felt that I wanted to live a life without God, I cannot. He is all I have, and all I am. I also was rudely awakened into how at my utmost core, my foundational understandings were shaky, and how I had lost the plot a little.

So, where to now? What have I taken from my experience of seeing a future without God?

If anything, I have a renewed conviction that I must carry on as a Christian, but with a much realistic assessment of my struggles and the temptations I face. I am not completely re-energized - in fact, my sinful desires still have a firm grasp on me, and I am far more drained emotionally after this camp than encouraged. But I feel like I have finally looked at myself in the mirror - it's ugly, but at least now I know what I am dealing with. There are many things I need to work through. And no, I will not be sinfree and faithful the whole time, but God will do immeasurably more than I ask, and He is bigger than I've ever dreamt Him to be. And that is more than sufficient for me.

So, I carry on. Trusting, one step at a time, one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. Back to reading His Word and praying. Back to trying. I'm tired of having a non-relationship relationship with the God of the Universe. It's time for the real thing.

24 April 2011: The night I decided not to be a Christian anymore - Part 1

2011-04-26T10:02:00.006+02:00

As you can see from a few of my preceding posts, Equip was a really profound time. So how was it that I found myself on the last night, seriously contemplating giving up my walk with Jesus Christ? This is the story. [please read post 1 and 2.]

--

As Andrew's talks on Exodus continued, I started re-realizing the awesomeness, the intenseness, the power, the majesty of the Lord God Almighty. I had forgotten this in the last few months (if I'm honest, it's probably more like last year, or last two years). I'd fallen into the trap of making my God tiny, small enough to do my bidding when I wanted to, small enough to do my plans. But as Andrew worked clearly and faithfully through God's relationship with Exodus, my eyes were re-opened. I came to see that there was so much I'd been failing in, and little by little, I became more and more shaken at how I'd drifted away in pursuing a relationship with God.

Two particular points of his talks stand out:

The first, when we reached the Ten Commandments.
Andrew recontextualized these commandments within the framework of a typical human relationship. It's a given that when you enter into relationship with someone, you both spend time figuring out what you both do and do not like (if you don't tell each other directly from the start). For God, it's simple: You don't cheat on me with others, and you don't mess around with my name. Further, with commandments like 'do not murder', God's also saying, Don't mess around with those I have created. With these ten black and white commandments placed in such an everyday, familiar relational context, no longer did they seem unreasonable, illogical, or perplexing, but rather, obvious, a natural consequence, a perfectly reasonable expectation stemming from the objectives of a relationship.

The second, when we reached the part about the golden calf.
Andrew used the example of human relationships again to articulate how ridiculous it is when WE tell God what He is like, instead of letting Him tell us what He is like. Imagine a friend tells you that he only likes milk stout, not beer, not wine, not coffee. Just milk stout. How would he feel if you kept on buying him everything else except for milk stout? And you kept on telling him it was because he liked it? He'd be mad, right? Then why on earth did the Israelites think that God would be happy with their way of worshipping him (the golden calf), when He'd told them how, when, what, how He preferred??? Moreover, as I sat there listening to Andrew, I suddenly realized I'd made a golden calf out of God. I'd told Him to be satisfied with whatever scraps I had left of my heart and time.

As someone who regards her friendships and relationships highly, these two illustrations made a huge impact on me. And so, as I stood up with the others, ready to sing in response to Andrew's talk on the golden calf, I didn't start singing when everyone else did. Instead, I took a long hard internal look at my progress over the last few years. And, I realized that I wasn't going to make it. If I'm honest, I'm already living less convictedly, less passionately, than I was when I first became a Christian. I thought I could see the future, and my future revealed that I am going to be one of those people who twenty years from now will no longer be a Christian - someone who quietly, ever so quietly, just managed to drift off and slip away. Being a Christian was hard, was becoming harder the older I became, and perhaps, was too hard.

Moreover, it wasn't only myself I was worried about for once. Suddenly, considering things from God's side, I came to understand the ugliness of my disobedient sinfulness, of my half-hearted service and love, as well as my adultery in running after things of this world, and my increasing hesitation about letting others know that I am a Christian. What a pathetic life I've been offering to a most amazing King. I felt sickened to the core, as I imagined how it must feel if I loved someone so much to send my son to die for them, only to have them spit in my face. Shame. Guilt. Sorrow. My fault. All, my fault. And I 'm tired of hurting God with my idolatry.

In a spate of seeming logic, two thoughts came together: 1. I hate adultery. I have seen the effects it has on individuals and families, and I made a promise to myself I would never be unfaithful. 2. I am an all-or-nothing person. Therefore, the solution appeared so simple: if I can't guarantee myself that I won't hurt God with my adultery (and I will, for I am sinful and weak every single day), then I must leave God now before I hurt Him anymore. So this is it - it was time for the goodbye. Rather than wasting my time and His, I decided it was time to walk away.

It sounds like foolishness, like madness, like a rash of insanity. But as I stood there, I convinced myself that this was the only honourable thing to do. And as the song ended and the session ended, I walked out of the hall, almost in tears. This was it - my last night ever as a Christian.

Struggling with pride

2011-04-26T09:42:00.004+02:00

When I was younger, I used to be far more wotevva about what people thought of me. Now I've come to realize that I struggle with status. As I may have mentioned before, I really like people, which is both a blessing and a curse. The blessing is that life is far more interesting because people are so fascinating and I enjoy making friends. The curse is that I get far too worried about what people think of me.

Why I bring this up is because I'm going over to England at the end of the year because of a prestigious scholarship. Ever since people have started hearing the news, they look at me slightly differently, and treat me slightly differently.. as though I'm a big deal.

Not helpful, no no. And I've started noticing that in my thoughts and deeds, I'm starting to drink the Kool-aid of their praise.

I told Sophie I'm concerned I'm becoming arrogant and proud. That I'm starting to believe that I am all that.

Sophie, again, was very helpful in this regard: "Do you know the antidote to arrogance and pride? Keep humble by engaging in small acts of menial service for others. Are you washing the dishes? Are you packing out chairs?"

And if I have to be honest, I've stopped helping so much with that. My attitude at church has become one of 'oh I'm too busy doing this, or talking to this person, or sitting on this chair, keeping it warm' or 'someone else should have the opportunity to serve'. These are all valid points in themselves in certain contexts, but in my situation, I use them over and over again to get out of everyday drudge work. If I'm honest, sometimes my attitude has become: 'I've served enough already; it's time for other people to serve me'.

Ooh. When did church become about me, me, me. When did my response to Jesus' sacrifice become 'what more can I get for myself out of this?'

Back to washing dishes then :)

Some further thoughts on future plans

2011-04-26T09:28:00.003+02:00

Every now and then [read: frequently] I worry about my life, and where I'm heading. Part of my concern comes from my interest in pretty much everything. What am I to do with my gifts and talents when most future careers seem like a possibility (or, at least interesting? I doubt I'll ever make it as a neuroscientist, though that sounds pretty cool!)

Had the opportunity to talk through some things with a number of people on camp, including the lovely Sophie. She had some useful things to say to me:

- firstly, prioritize God first and foremost in whatever you're doing. grow your relationship and just draw near to Him.
- don't think so much about it - just relax. She laughed at this point and said it's probably a good thing that I think so much about it, but women (moreso than men) tend to analyse and second-guess and overthink and then analyse again through motives, assumptions, thoughts, acts etc. Her husband's been particularly helpful in this regard by pointing out the times she does it unnecessarily.
- don't rush into making decisions now - I'm still young, and I should trust God to work things out for me.
- pray and ask God to make it clear to you if you are missing any opportunities, and if there are any things you can do which are preventing you from growing.

I think what particularly helped with Sophie's words were the frank recognition of my overthinking, and just the humble kind way she basically told me to chill out by prioritizing more important things like putting God first. After all, God's in control, and wherever I will end up is where He wants me to be. Amen.

A little musical interlude

2011-04-26T09:06:00.003+02:00

One of my favourite songs from Equip: 'You are the Everlasting God' - Chris Tomlin

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord (repeat)

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer

You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint, You won't grow weary

You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

Social justice ministry vs Word ministry: What about work

2011-04-26T08:37:00.003+02:00

In my previous post, I dealt with my (pretty lame) reasons for prioritizing my involvement in social justice ministry over word ministry.

Which brings me to the question of work. Like I explained earlier, I've been encouraged to consider full-time paid ministry. So far, I've been hesitant about this - also explained earlier.

I hadn't reckoned for God's firm hand upon His plans for me. Richard Coekin did a great interview on ministry (it's entitled 'Maximising your gospel ministry - check out the Equip website for the MP3). At one point, he was asked: "What would you say to those people who've been encouraged to go into full-time ministry but don't have the desire?"

Wham, bam,boom.

I paraphrase his response now, but it was something like this: "Try explaining that to Jesus". The interviewer asked him for more, but Richard left it black and white - we will be accountable to Jesus one day for the way we've lived.

Wham, bam, double boom boom.

With the reminder of the power of God's word, the necessity for spreading the truth in the gospel, the love and wrath of God, and this key segment from Richard's talk, I've now reopened my future work in word ministry as a choice (not that I really a choice - God is far too powerful to need my acquiescence. He's just gracious in giving me time to come to realize that He is right.)

A number of further thoughts on choosing work:
- as Christians, our first and foremost priority should be sharing the word with others
- when considering work, this priority should also take into consideration other factors like ability, financial needs. e.g. If you don't have the ability to teach the Bible, then full-time ministry's probably not for you. e.g. If you don't have the money to go into full-time ministry and can't raise support, perhaps it's best if you work for a few years.
- if, you choose not to go into full-time paid ministry, then make sure that your work does give you time to engage in your local community and serve there as well.

Having said all that:
- Richard seemed to have a very black and white view of what to do with your gifts - if you have the gifts, use them. If you don't, go work to raise money to support others to use their Bible-teaching gifts.
- At the same time, I think it's helpful to remember, as I've been reminded, that every industry needs Christians in it - the film, the engineering, the sciences. Just keep in mind, it's only worth being at the top, if you're using your position to influence. If you're not, why are you really there?

Fortunately, I still have three/four years before I have to make any hard and fast decisions about work, but as a slow thinker, it's best I start thinking now ;)

Social justice ministry vs Word ministry: Not a vs

2011-04-26T07:39:00.006+02:00

One of my bugbears is how so many Christians do not care about what's happening in the world. As someone who tries to keep up-to-date with what's happening, it frustrates me when others have no heart for what's going on in Egypt, Liberia, Japan. Not that everyone needs to know everything, but when people know even less about what's happening in their own country? This makes me REALLY worried.

I have become more and more convicted that part of our calling as Christians is to be invested in our world and understanding what's happening here. I remember sending an email to someone on this matter, pressing upon the urgency and necessity of doing so:

How can we be stewards if we do not understand the contexts and the times we live in? How can we minister, when we do not understand the issues and the people we minister to? Particularly in South Africa, where we have such a hectic past that still is a huge influence in the way that people interact and engage with each other today. Particularly in South Africa, where God has chosen to show such beautiful diversity, which is being used to keep separate, instead of together. Particularly in South Africa, when there is SUCH a need for godly leadership, for leaders in all sectors who actually care for their people, as opposed to the examples of many in government. Particularly in South Africa, for God in his infinite wisdom has placed each one of your classmates here and said "Here. This is the place you will make a difference."

It all sounds good, doesn't it, my passion for social justice? Over the years, I've felt increasingly convinced that I want to spend the rest of my life working in social justice projects and initiatives.

I hadn't realized though how I'd made my passion for social justice oppositional to and exclusionary of gospel ministry. I remember, when I was told to consider going into full-time paid ministry, responding: no, no, I don't have the desire for it. I think God's telling me to go into social justice ministry. Wise people advised me that these two things weren't oppositional, but I made them so in my thinking. Even worse, I placed social justice ministry over and above word ministry.

I've come to recognise a number of stupid reasons were shaping my thinking. [I'm first going to go into the reasons, before heading into a next post with thoughts about work.]

The first, and most deceptive, was a defeatist opinion of the gospel's power. Discouraged particularly by the lack of response from one specific non-Christian friend who I'd been praying for and sharing the gospel with numerous times (actually, he did respond - he just became bitter about Christianity and rejected it eventually), I'd come to believe that the gospel had no ability to change anyone's life. Why, God, should I do anything, if you're not going to do anything with my efforts? Why, God, should I care about people's eternal lives, if they're not going to get to eternity? Not that I actually articulated this belief in such a way - I just started acting on this in how I prioritized my time and energy. For the last two years, I haven't really been involved in any ministries at church, for lack of time (aah yes, what a convenient excuse) and want. I'd decided subconsciously that the best thing to do, if people weren't going to get to heaven, was to make their lives here on earth as comfortable as possible.

Some whack logic there on my part, right? I had, of course, underestimated, ignored, and completely blown off God's sovereignty, His power, and His priorities.

The second, just as insidious, reason was that I'd become ashamed of being a Christian. Being involved in social justice would still give me the space to make a difference in this world, as I believe I am called to, but without having to wave the Christian flag. It's far cooler to be a I-wanna-save-the-worlder than a I-believe-that-2000-years-ago-someone-died-for-me-one-the-cross-and-in-so-doing-my-sins-were-healed-and-that's-why-I-am-compelled-to-work-for-justice-in-this-world. In fact, I kept on using the word 'ministry' with the phrase 'social justice' to fool myself in thinking that it would be something I did for God's glory and for God's church. In reality, 'ministry' was just a nice little Christian-sounding add-on to comfort myself and my critical listeners.

Equip was illuminating in reminders of God's power, His sovereignty, His perfect control. He is not a crippled, half-powerful god who is unable to do things, but an unbelievably awe-inspiring God whose plans are not mine to question, but mine to trust and obey. I have been put in my place - I recognise now I wanted God to follow MY timing, and MY idea of what the future should be like. I have been reminded of the power of the gospel, not only as I felt myself being corrected, rebuked and encouraged as I listen to the talks, but as I observed others being challenged and grown.

So what does this mean for me, and for my oppositional placing of social justice ministry vs word ministry?

Firstly, I need to let go of my sinfulness and pray for forgiveness for belittling God and His word. The gospel is able to do immeasurably more than I allowed myself to believe. I need to pray also for idolizing my (future) work in social justice, and placing this as a higher priority above sharing the news about Him.

Secondly, I'm going to have to assess a whole lot of thinking and make sure that foundationally I haven't been suckered into further deception about what I want to do with my life, and the reasons and priorities for doing so.

Thirdly, as much as I've been saying no to considering full-time paid ministry, I am reopening that option as an option, and leaving it up to God.

Fourthly, I'm going to get plugged back into serving at my church again - for it's the gospel that will truly change the way people live here on earth, and this has again become a priority, alongside wanting to make a different to people's material lives.

Equip 2011

2011-04-26T07:32:00.003+02:00

For the last five days, I've been near a most gorgeous sea-curved stretch of the world, attending a Christian conference (*cough cough* camp, conference sounds so ... larney) called Equip. The conference was split into four main divisions: main talks on Exodus given by a brilliant English guy by Andrew Sach, one short talk by Richard Coekin (he was also brilliant, but for the lack of sounding repetitive, let's call him superduper challenging), one main strand on teaching the Bible (I did a strand on systematic theology), and an elective (called God's Mission and you).

God was really really really gracious in using the time to challenge, rebuke and to call me back to sanity. Already on the first day, I realized that I had succumbed to a number of fallacies in my thinking about my Christian walk, and I had to face a few ugly truths about my sinfulness and things I'd been struggling with (see next few posts). It didn't stop there - every day, I was confronted with another truth. And God in His mercy planned this all to happen at a time where I was surrounded by a number of older, wiser individuals who I could accost and talk to in a matter of hours :). I feel as though Equip 2011 was a minor watershed moment in my Christian walk - I have rarely been so honest with myself about so many things lately, and I just want to praise God for giving me the time and the family members to help me recognise my errors.

So.. here goes... :)

I run to You

2011-04-15T09:00:00.004+02:00

This isn't a Christian song (not that I know of), but I'm hijacking it today.

Lady Antebellum's I Run To You

I run from hate, I run from prejudice
I run from pessimists, but I run too late
I run my life or is it running me, run from my past
I run too fast or too slow it seems

When lies become the truth
That's when I run to you

This world keeps spinning faster
Into a new disaster so I run to you, I run to you
When it all starts coming undone
Baby, you're the only one I run to, I run to you

We run on fumes, your life and mine
Like the sands of time slippin' right on through
And our love's the only truth
That's why I run to you

This world keeps spinning faster
Into a new disaster so I run to you, I run to you
When it all starts coming undone
Baby, you're the only one I run to, I run to you

Whoa, oh, I run to you

This world keeps spinning faster
Into a new disaster so I run to you, I run to you
When it all starts coming undone
Baby, you're the only one I run to, I run to you, I run to you, yeah

The homeless, giving, and God

2011-04-12T19:17:00.003+02:00

Bergies overwhelm me. Every time they spot me and head my way, my heart starts thudding tightly in my chest, I try to avert my eyes from their gaze, and I turn my head away slightly. Doesn't matter if it's a 50 year old emaciated man, a young 20-something looking mom abba-ing a baby on her back, or teenagers - I try to avoid them all.

My policy with the homeless is consistent: don't give anyone money, no matter what their story is. And you can tell from my response above, that I'm not comfortable with this approach. It breaks my heart to say no to the little baby and her mom, it hurts me to know that I have not helped the refugee immigrant. Yet, I'm even less comfortable with giving money. Who knows what they might do with it? And how do I decide who to give money to? 'Cause surely I can't give to everyone. So yes, it's better if I just have a standard response to everyone.

I've been rethinking this stance though. I read a thought by NY Times Nick Kristoff a few weeks ago that hasn't left me since: "We know we cannot feed all the children in the world. But consistency doesn't require us to feed none". Consistency does not require us to take no action. So maybe I'm wrong in thinking so black and white....

Further, I've been wondering whether I have the right to decide what others are going to do with my money. I am not God. I do not really know if they are going to use the money to pay for a train trip to get their HIV/ AIDS medication, to buy their baby milk, or whether they're going to use it for drugs and alcohol. But surely, it is not my place to 'know' what they are perhaps going to do with it. Isn't it my role to instead be obedient to God? And if so, God has commanded us to be generous, and to love like He has loved.

However, we cannot forget that at the same time, He has also told us to be wise stewards over what He has granted us.

Sigh.

Read some more thoughts at Jon Bloom's blog posts on Desiring God: part 1, part 2.

a bit of a ramble

2011-04-12T09:08:00.005+02:00

Another question to ponder:

Isaiah acknowledged, repented, trusted, listened and obeyed. Which of these do you struggle the most?

My initial thought was that my struggle was in obedience. God is perfectly clear on godliness and what that means (in most cases), but his commands tend to hang on the fringes of my life.

But, I wondered if it wasn't a more fundamental issue - that of trusting. Surely, my disobedience came from an inherent distrust of God's plan for my line.

Or, maybe it's something even more fundamental?

I can't stop thinking of Isaiah's response in chapter 6 when he comes before the Lord on His throne:

"Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts!"

I realized, then, that my fault starts at the beginning of the chain. I do not really understand the awesomeness, the greatness, the magnitude of God. I do not acknowledge who He really is. I do not grasp Him in all his grace, mercy, anger, wrath, judgement, love, kindness, consistency. This is partly due to God's grace - so that my tiny little brain is not blown to smithereens while trying to wrap my head around this amazing truth, and so that I am not completely overwhelmed by horrific realizations of how truly sinful I really am - but also partly due to my own stubbornness and refusal to see Someone Else as greater than myself.

Something to work on, eh.

Reactions to God's Word

2011-04-12T09:02:00.004+02:00

Isaiah is told that his preaching will not make it easier for Israel to believe and repent. On the contrary, it will make it harder. This is so because humans are independent beings at their core. Preaching about the rule of God often challenges people and hardens them, thus confirming them in their independence and in their fate.

If people are independent at heart and preaching makes them more so, how can anyone turn back to God?

- Two Cities: Isaiah - Andrew Reid and Karen Morris

Makes you think, huh?

I take being rebuked, challenged, encouraged, taught by God's Word as a given (sometimes, a very uncomfortable given with hard truths), but as Reid and Morris point out, it's clear from Isaiah 6 that this isn't the natural, default reaction.

How gracious God is in causing us to react to His Word in ways other than becoming more hardened.

words, words, words

2011-03-30T10:54:00.004+02:00

As someone who's been trained in the literary discipline, words are a natural fascination. Add to this, the emphasis laid upon words in the Christian faith: God spoke the world into being, God who talks to us through His Word, the Bible, and His Son who preached, and we, His people, communicate and build relationships through words.

K. Myers' words are thus quite provocative/ concerning/ interesting...

A culture that is rooted more in images than in words will find it increasingly difficult to sustatin any broad commitment to any truth, since truth is an abstraction requiring language.
- K. Myers

Thoughts?

Idolatry, and human pride

2011-03-30T10:30:00.004+02:00

I like people. A lot. Unfortunately, this means that every now and then I really really really care about what people think of me. Although I'm a reasonably independent ninja, deep down inside, at the most inopportune moments, there's a little voice going "What would people think?". Or, "Yay, people think I'm cool - I must be".

Isaiah's got a helpful reminder about people's place in humanity. Sure, human beings were created to be lord over the earth, but this is under God's ultimate Lordship.

22 Stop trusting in mere humans,
who have but a breath in their nostrils.
Why hold them in esteem?

Isaiah 2:22

Similarly, Isaiah reminds us of the foolishness of worshipping idols, reminding us clearly that all idols are man-made.

20 In that day people will throw away
to the moles and bats
their idols of silver and idols of gold,
which they made to worship.

Isaiah 2:30

Why worship createds when you can worship the Creator?

Easier said than done, though.

From Calvin's Institutes. Read, and be awed.

2011-03-29T19:26:00.002+02:00

Institutes II.xvi.19

When we see that the whole sum of our salvation, and every single part of it, are comprehended in Christ, we must beware of deriving even the least portion of it from any other quarter. If we seek salvation, we are taught by the very name of Jesus that he possesses it; if we seek any other gifts of the Spirit, we shall find them in his anointing; strength in his dominion; purity in his conception; gentleness in his nativity, in which he was made like us in all respects, in order that he might learn to sympathise with us: if we seek redemption, we shall find it in his passion; acquittal in his condemnation; remission of the curse in his cross; satisfaction in his sacrifice; purification in his blood; reconciliation in his descent to hell; mortification of the flesh in his tomb; newness of life in his resurrection; immortality also in his resurrection; the inheritance of a celestial kingdom in his entrance into heaven; protection, security, and the abundant supply of all blessings, in his kingdom; secure anticipation of judgement in the power of judging committed to him. In short, since in him all kinds of blessings are treasured up, let us draw a full supply from him, and none from any other quarter.

Some men, not content with him alone are borne hither and thither from one hope to another, even if they concern themselves chiefly with him, they nevertheless stray from the straight way in turning some part of their thinking in another direction. Yet such distrust cannot creep in where men have once for all truly known the abundance of his blessings

On religion and a relationship with God

2011-03-29T11:11:00.003+02:00

One last thought from reading through Isaiah 1:

11 “The multitude of your sacrifices—
what are they to me?” says the LORD.
“I have more than enough of burnt offerings,
of rams and the fat of fattened animals;
I have no pleasure
in the blood of bulls and lambs and goats.
12 When you come to appear before me,
who has asked this of you,
this trampling of my courts?
13 Stop bringing meaningless offerings!
Your incense is detestable to me.
New Moons, Sabbaths and convocations—
I cannot bear your worthless assemblies.
14 Your New Moon feasts and your appointed festivals
I hate with all my being.
They have become a burden to me;
I am weary of bearing them.
15 When you spread out your hands in prayer,
I hide my eyes from you;
even when you offer many prayers,
I am not listening.

- Isaiah 1:11-15

God SO clearly hates religion and seeks a relationship with Him, He, Himself. Look at all the rituals described in the first few verses - sacrifices, offerings - acts that would've been the markers of 'holy' people back in the day. They're doing okay, right? NO. As God carries on talking, it becomes clear that the Israelites have lost the plot and are indulging in acts of worship of other gods (New Moon feasts etc). And God's not pleased. If it's going to be half-hearted, He don't want no part in it at all.

Isaiah - First Study

2011-03-29T10:50:00.003+02:00

So I finally started on Isaiah, using the study guide lent kindly to me by E.

Oh Lord. I almost wept tears all over my Bible. But I didn't. Because I'm hardcore. And I have no tear ducts. Like Chuck Norris.

2 Hear me, you heavens! Listen, earth!
For the LORD has spoken:
“I reared children and brought them up,
but they have rebelled against me.
3 The ox knows its master,
the donkey its owner’s manger,
but Israel does not know,
my people do not understand.”

- Isaiah 1:2-3

Chapter 1 is not the most fun piece of emotional literature I've ever read. I don't know if you've ever spoken to someone, and all of a sudden they just let forth a whole lot of really personal stuff, and you're drawn into empathising with them in an unbelievably vulnerable and 'real' way? Your relationship is never the same afterwards, for you understand so much more about who they are, and why they are the way they are.

Isaiah 1 has always been like that for me. In it, I feel like I really get to see a window of God's emotions and thoughts.

This is not to say that in the NT (or the rest of the Bible), you don't get glimpses of Jesus' realness - you do, e.g. when he cries over Jerusalem, and when he's praying so fiercely in the Garden to have the cup of wrath taken away from him. However, in Isaiah, you get raw chunks of intimate revelations of hurt from a Lover who desperately wants His Beloved to turn back to Him, and Someone who is moved to action to cleanse His City of the corruption that has permeated it. There's a great quote in my study book "human-centeredness has pushed God out of his own city".

But still He loves:

18 “Come now, let us settle the matter,”
says the LORD.
“Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
they shall be like wool.
19 If you are willing and obedient,
you will eat the good things of the land;
20 but if you resist and rebel,
you will be devoured by the sword.”
For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.

- Isaiah 1:18-20

Hallelujah.

Tsunamis

2011-03-28T09:35:00.005+02:00

I haven't had the heart yet to watch any of the Japanese tsunami footage or look at any of teh photos so far. The thought of looking at so much devastation has crippled any curiosity in me.

I'm watching something this morning, though.

I'm absolutely terrified. Look. Look at the cars, houses, buildings, lives, homes, prefecture, nation just being pulled apart. The water is absolutely sickeningly beautiful in its sheer awesome strength. What a stark reminder of the power of our God - if the water is so terrifying, how much more is a God who can make something like this happen.

And here's another sobering thought: if He said "Be still", the water would be still.

Thesis Shmesis. Acknowledgements

2011-03-28T08:20:00.003+02:00

I was reading through Carakind's blog, and giggled at her post about Thesising and Writing Acknowledgements.

Read through mine this morning in prep for a meeting with my supervisor:

The last word of acknowledgement is to Jesus Christ, my Lord God and Saviour, without whom none of this would have been possible. As Source of life and being, and the ultimate Word from whom all words flow, thank You.

[You're right, reading my acknowledgements weren't really necessary for the meeting - it just helps to process the sense of trauma that arises at having to read my thesis again].

But I particularly liked her friend's way of phrasing things (mentioned on her blog):

First and foremost I would like to thank God for all the conversations we had leading up to the completion of this study. Amidst all the loneliness of thesis writing you were there throughout.

Oh yeah. Thesising is tough work. God and I had a lot of good talks too. Mostly, with me on my figurative knees.

Good luck to all you people out there who're suffering, I mean, working very hard.

Amazing grace, names, me

2011-03-28T08:04:00.004+02:00

I love this song: Amazing grace (the Chris Tomlin version, in particular).

We sang it last night, after a really good sermon explaining that only Jesus can bring us freedom, and God is NOT the enemy of freedom. Jesus sets us free to be who we are, free from any impossible standards imposed upon us by our parents, friends, peers, society, ourselves.

Helpful truth to be reminded of that I needed. God's got good timing like that.

I like to joke with God that He gave me the name Grace so that my egotistical self never forgets about Him. (Hearing my name a million times during a service also makes sure I pay constant attention to what's happening up front :).) Being named after God's incredibly act of mercy ensures that I never forget what He's done for me in Jesus. Sometimes, my name gets 'old', but then I meet people who aren't accustomed to my name, and their surprise at hearing such a beautiful name reminds me afresh of what meaning my name carries.

Grace. God's Riches/ Redemption At Christ's Expense.

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, My Saviour, has ransomed me
And like a flood, His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace

a sense of hypocrisy

2011-03-23T08:41:00.004+02:00

I was telling N on the phone last night about the Rob Bell video, how I was left in a turmoil of fury and intense sadness that this proclaimed representative of Christianity didn't seem to hold to the most essential beliefs.

But as I carried on talking, I realized that underlying the intensity of my emotions was a sense of deep hypocrisy, a sense of fury at myself.

I told N: At least he's open and honest. What am I doing? I know the Jesus of the Bible, and I claim to be following Him, but I'm not even reading His Word, or making any attempts at building and deepening our relationship. At least Rob Bell, misguided as some of his teachings appear, is doing something.

What is knowledge, after all, when it translates to nothing?

The Guilty Conscience Speaks

2011-03-20T22:05:00.004+02:00

Over the last few weeks, E, a good friend, has been trying to talk to me more about Jesus, particularly since our chats where I told him that I was struggling to read God's Word.

He lent me a book in Isaiah studies on Thursday, on condition that I read it in two weeks and spend a good solid few hours dwelling on what it's got to say about God. [Okay, okay, the deal was that I spend two of my best hours of the day on a study each time.] [I didn't want to share that, 'cause that'd mean that you'd be able to keep me accountable.] [So far, I've read about 30 minutes of Isaiah.] [To be fair, I read faster than the average Joe.][Excuses.] [Anyway.]

On the one hand, I'm really grateful that he's looking out for me in this way. Because I move between so many different circles, I can slip between the cracks if I so wish. And somewhere, a niggling voice is telling me that my relationship with God's Word shouldn't be in the state it currently is, so to have his active intervention is kinda a relief, an ultimatum of sorts.

On the other hand, I'm slightly irritated. I've had thoughts of defensiveness and rationalization ever since our discussions: "I really don't know why he's so concerned that I read this. It's not like I'm not a Christian. It's not like I'm not talking to God. Puhleease, I'm like a mature follower of Christ".

I've been intrigued by these thoughts - Why do I see his helpfulness as an accusation, rather than support? Why am I trying to assuage a guilty conscience with talk of "I'm fine, I'm fine?"

If anything, I've finally realized that my attitude is a strong indicator of the necessity of me plunging back into the Word.

You say, God says

2011-03-19T07:05:00.004+02:00

YOU SAY	GOD SAYS	BIBLE VERSES
You say: 'It's impossible'	God says: All things are possible	(Luke 18:27)
You say: 'I'm too tired'	God says: I will give you rest	(Matthew 11:28-30)
You say: 'Nobody really loves me'	God says: I love you	(John 3:1 6 & John 3:34 )
You say: 'I can't go on'	God says: My grace is sufficient	(II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)
You say: 'I can't figure things out'	God says: I will direct your steps	(Proverbs 3:5- 6)
You say: 'I can't do it'	God says: You can do all things	( Philippians 4:13)
You say: 'I'm not able'	God says: I am able	(II Corinthians 9:8)
You say: 'It's not worth it'	God says: It will be worth it	(Roman 8:28 )
You say: 'I can't forgive myself'	God says: I Forgive you	(I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)
You say: 'I can't manage'	God says: I will supply all your needs	( Philippians 4:19)
You say: 'I'm afraid'	God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear	(II Timothy 1:7)
You say: 'I'm always worried and frustrated'	God says: Cast all your cares on ME	(I Peter 5:7)
You say: 'I'm not smart enough'	God says: I give you wisdom	(I Corinthians 1:30)
You say: 'I feel all alone'	God says: I will never leave you or forsake you	(Hebrews 13:5)

The Parable of the Sower

2011-03-18T09:51:00.003+02:00

³ “Listen! A farmer went out to sow his seed.⁴ As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. ⁵ Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. ⁶ But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. ⁷ Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants, so that they did not bear grain. ⁸ Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up, grew and produced a crop, some multiplying thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times.”

[Jesus explaining:] ¹⁴ The farmer sows the word. ¹⁵ Some people are like seed along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them. ¹⁶ Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and at once receive it with joy. ¹⁷ But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. ¹⁸ Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; ¹⁹ but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. ²⁰ Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop—some thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times what was sown.”

Mark 4: 3-8

Last night we dealt with Mark 4's the Parable of the Sower.

Confession time: This parable scares me because it shows me what I could still become, what I could fall to be.

I know that I'm not Soil #1 (the unaccepting path) because I've accepted Christ.

I want to be Soil #4, someone who will produce lots of crop.

But I could still fall and be Soil #2, the rock who loses the seed because of persecution.

Even more scarily, Soil #3, where there's no active persecution, but rather a drifting away due to other interests, other idols, other loves.

Time will tell.

Insiders/ Outsiders, Belonging, Church

2011-03-18T09:04:00.004+02:00

The number of Bible Studies I've been to this year have been minimal so far, though I'm still a regular Sunday attender. A number of things have come up on a Thursday, cycling things (oh yes, I've started cycling - more about that later), Toastmasters (yip, joined that too this year), so last night was my second time.

It's a bit weird, being so infrequent with my .. for lack of a word... visitations. Every so often at Sunday church, I feel like everyone's growing up without me. Friendships are formed through weekly and daily experiences, and as one of the 'older' ones, bumping into people between classes, or randomly in our food mall is a rare occurrence. It makes me feel a little detached at times, but gratefully so - I feel that I've served my time in many ways and it's good to know that things are functioning fine without me and will carry on like that when I leave.

Back to last night.

We started with some shared experiences about when situation where you'd felt like an outsider. A bit ironic in light of my confession before. The experience I shared, however, was one that never left me: I went to an Afrikaans church when I was younger. I clearly didn't fit in - struggled with the language, came in shorts and T-shirts (my mom heartily tried her best with me) when all the other girls were in pretty lady-like dresses.

No-one befriended me.

I'm sure they tried, but after so many times struggling with linguistic differences, there's only so much you can do. I probably wasn't the happiest of campers then, anyway.

But last night, while we were sitting there sharing our stories, and then studying the Word together, I was reminded that this is what church is about: belonging and acceptance.

Rob Bell and MSNBC

2011-03-16T20:38:00.002+02:00

Yowzer... Burnt, baby, burnt.

Watch Rob Bell, pastor of Mars Hill Church on MSNBC. It's a pity for him that the host is a Christian who evidently knows his scripture better than Rob does.

I get so sad when 'Christians' preach that Christianity doesn't matter. And I'm super-impressed at how the host is so clear and firm about the way that Bell is mishandling God's Word.

Free grace

2011-03-15T22:33:00.003+02:00

Noun, not verb. I don't need freeing.

Or, no, maybe I do.

I'm still thinking me me me, do do do so much, when I should be thinking Jesus Jesus Jesus, done done done.

I love this explanation by Tim Keller about what the actual implications of grace:

"Consider the free grace of Jesus until there is (a) no cowardly avoidance of hard things (since Jesus faced evil for me), (b) no anxious or rash behaviour (since Jesus' death proves God cares & will watch over me). It takes pride to be anxious - I am not wise enough to know how my life should go. Consider free grace until I experience calm thoughtfulness and strategic boldness."

Yeah, no more cowardlyness! No more anxiety and rashness. Let's be real trusting children of God.

Marriage, and the sanctity

2011-03-15T22:28:00.003+02:00

Let me get this straight...Charlie Sheen can make a "porn family", Kelsey Grammer can end a 15 year marriage over the phone, Larry King can be on divorce #9, Britney Spears had a 55 hour marriage, Jesse James and Tiger Woods, while married, were having sex with EVERYONE. Yet, the idea of same-sex marriage is going to destroy the institution of marriage? Really?

Stole this off a friend's FB page. Think the point is arguing for same-sex marriage, but all I can see is how people have completed trashed the sanctity of marriage. No wonder less and less marriages are taking place - who'd want to, with examples like this?

confession time

2011-03-15T22:23:00.003+02:00

The last few months haven't been going well in terms of my walk with Christ. I can't remember the last time I read the Bible by myself. I'd say it's 'cause of being so busy (which it was - oh hell, August, September, October, November were insane, and December, January were spent recovering), but you know, priorities should remain priorities. God is gracious in that even though I'm not upholding my side of the relationship (i.e., listening to Him talk), I know He's still listening to all my selfish thoughts. He's kind like that.

Praise Him for His enduring patience and kindness.

I wish this post was me saying Okay, I'm ready to start reading the Bible again by myself, but it's not quite that. It's just a recognition of my sinfulness and fallibility. Confession time.

A few quotes that have been on my mind lately:

2011-03-15T22:18:00.002+02:00

"What we want is not more books about Christianity, but more books by Christians on other subjects" - CS Lewis

‎"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." Mahatma Ghandi.

"God does not expect me to do more than I can." - For Christians who try to take on more than they can manage in the name of Christ.

Fingerprints of God

2011-03-15T22:05:00.004+02:00

What started my re-discovery of Steven Curtis Chapman was a hunt for a particular song of his called "Fingerprints of God".

A friend and I had been chatting about stereotypes- and all of a sudden, she confided that she felt really ugly as everyone teased her about being a ginger. One guy had gone so far as to say that she would never ever be more than a 5 on a scale of 1 - 10 because she was a redhead.

It. Blew. Me. Away.

She is absolutely gorgeous, and has this phenomenal shock of golden brown/ ginger hair. Part of her beauty comes from her being taller and more built than the average girl her age - more striking, more bold - but I've heard from numerous other girls before that being tall doesn't make life easier as a girl, so I suppose this is something of an insecurity for her.

I'd forgotten what it's like when you're younger to be so completely at the mercy of what other people think of you. I mean, I still struggle now, but I remember now that when I was younger, it used to be so much worse. What people thought, really mattered. And the song by Steven Curtis Chapman was like salve on an open wound - as he sang about how beautiful the girl was that he was singing to, because she showed the fingerprints of God as a beautiful and marvelous creation, I was reminded and comforted that no matter how ugly I felt, our God, loving Father, does not make mistakes.

Listen here: Steven Curtis Capman - Fingerprints of God

Steven Curtis Chapman - Speechless

2011-03-15T22:00:00.003+02:00

I've rediscovered Steven Curtis Chapman's Speechless today.

I used to listen to it over and over again when I first got to know Jesus. It was playing at Crossword, the camp where I gave my life to the Lord, as filler - music between sessions. As soon as I got off camp, I went and bought the CD and proceeded to play this one over and over again.

Happy memories :)

Listen:

Words fall like drops of rain.
My lips are like clouds.
I've said so many things, trying to figure You out.
But as mercy opens my eyes, and my words are stolen away.
With this breathtaking view of your grace...

And I am Speechless
I'm astonished and amazed
I am silenced by Your wondrous grace.
You have saved me
You have raised me from the grave.
And I am Speechless
In Your presence now.
I'm astounded as I consider how
You have shown us a love that leaves us speechless.

irrational fears...

2010-07-20T17:23:00.004+02:00

N and I, oddly enough, both starting struggling with Christianity at around roughly the same time, and for similar reasons. Well, I'm mis-representing. We both still love Jesus and convinced it's the one and only way to God... We're just a little tired.

N smses me today: "I'm scared that God will make me be in a near-fatal accident so that I have to turn/ trust in Him."

I've never told anyone before, but this is an irrational fear that's been lurking deep in the darkness. But as I'm typing, I realized something even scarier

Me: "Me too. But I'm even more scared that God doesn't do anything and I remain in this unsteady insecure state for ever..."

I can't live in this one-foot-in-the-one-camp-and-the-other-foot-dangling-who-knows-where state forever. I'm going to have to decide sooner or later; I've never been good at half-hearted attempts.

a thought on suffering...

2010-07-19T23:59:00.004+02:00

What I don't understand about suffering is why non-Christians have to go through it. This might appear random, but it's one of those thoughts that have appeared increasingly more in my mind as I'm hugging a friend who is crying, or holding someone else's hand. How often have I not had words that comfort when asked, WHY?

We, as Christians, have hope and God and community and eternity to get us through suffering. We understand that suffering is a natural consequence of a fallen world, and we have the love of Jesus Christ to sustain us and comfort us. But where do non-Christians turn to? Yes, suffering presents moments where God calls to non-Christians that I AM LORD, but... umm... aah. I just hit the real point of my post: I think what I'm really tired of is seeing people suffer without this drawing them closer to God but further away.